Ronnie Shields:
Damn, she got some boobies on her.
Wheeler:
You sure are a fan of the boobies, kid.
Ronnie Shields:
Oh yeah. Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher". I even have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher".
Wheeler:
Okay. You know, I have a theory about boobies.
Ronnie Shields:
Really?
Wheeler:
Oh yeah. You see, there are as many women as there are men in this world.
Ronnie Shields:
True dat, true dat.
Wheeler:
And every woman has two boobs, for the most part. So there are twice as many boobs as there are men. We're outnumbered and it's overwhelming. We're powerless, and we have to accept it.
Ronnie Shields:
I like yo' take on boobies. And I like boobies.
Wheeler:
Kid, you got a lot to learn.
Ronnie Shields:
I know what I'm doin'.
Wheeler:
Oh really? So you don't realize you've just committed one of the most common rookie boob-watching errors?
Ronnie Shields:
What you mean?
Wheeler:
Never stare at the boobies, kid. Once you get caught, the game's over.
Ronnie Shields:
But how?
Wheeler:
It's called training. You know, being aware without drawing attention. You don't think I've noticed those 34 C's in the camouflage tank top setting up a tent directly to the left of us? Or how about those twin cannons hiking up a mountain ridge 50 yards due west? Or the ridge itself? Round mounds of grass shaped like...
Ronnie Shields:
Boobies!
Wheeler:
Don't look over there. Look here. Focus... You'll get it.
Brad:
You wouldn't have these problems if you would just follow my rules: 100. Friends don't let friends fuck ugly people 99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong 98. Fat girls give the best head because they're always hungry 97. Cologne: overrated... Deodorant: a must 96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they're having more fun 95. After puberty, that's not "baby fat" 94. ATM = the Holy Grail 93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow 92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly 91. BBBJ or why bother? 90. Women cannot parallel park 89. If you wanna fuck it, you've got to be willing to lick it. 88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs - in that order 87. If it's not dirty, you're doing something wrong 86. If a friend's apartment is running low on toilet paper, you're required to use it all 85. Cheerleaders are overrated 84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella 83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her 82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night 81. Dogs are better than cats... period 80. Bigger is never better when they're fake 79. Don't leave the house until you're camera ready 78. A period does not equal a week off from sex 77. Mustaches and hunting = gay 76. Sucking your best friend's dick = priceless 75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the morning 74. If her mom isn't a MILF, chances are she won't be one either 73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they're not yours 72. The G-spot does not exist 71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women 70. Persistence gets you laid 69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk 68. No panties = a good night 67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night 66. Tongue piercing = God loves you! 65. Saliva isn't always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply 64. White cotton panties and knee socks. Enough said! 63. Never lend money to friends 62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone 61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down 60. Elvis is not dead 59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone 58. What's good for you usually won't taste better. Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind 57. People who don't use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences 56. Never let a girl shave your balls 55. Porn saves lives 54. Republicans are better at... well... nothing 53. If you've never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you've never had pizza. There is no pizza in New York or Chicago. Don't argue, you'll just sound foolish 52. Old country = cool Alt-country = really cool New country = sucks 51. Condition your hair once a day 50. Masturbate twice a day 49. Eat three square meals every day 48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they're going to play for the other team 47. Crying is blackmail 46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet... or yourself 45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given 44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them 43. There's no such thing as "giving 110%" 42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters 41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex 40. Body hair just gets in the way 39. Rip bread, don't slice it 38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can 37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion 36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses. 35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it 34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime 33. If your pubic hair is blonde or red, shaving is optional 32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs 31. If they don't answer, it means yes 30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity 29. Sex is better in warmer climates 28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks 27. Never trust people who don't drink coffee 26. Springsteen really is The Boss 25. If there's a problem, talk it out 24. If you can't talk it out: fuck, then try again 23. Never lease what you can buy 22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it 21. Never say "no" to a green-eyed girl 20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible 19. Don't lie, you will get caught 18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier 17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit 16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions 15. Pussy farts are charming 14. Only wear a bra if you're going to offend me 13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder 12. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye 11. Never underestimate the power of stupid peoplein large groups 10. When in doubt, mumble 9. Masturbation is overrated 8. Small boobs are misunderstood 7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared 6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy 5. If you can't convince them, confuse them 4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad 3. Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule 2. Never overthink... And the most important rule of all: Friends don't fuck.
[We see Homer writing to Dr. Larch and hear the words in his voice as we are shown variously relevant scenes]
Homer:
Dear Dr. Larch. Thank you for your doctor's bag, although it seems that I will not have the occasion to use it, barring some emergency, of course. I am not a doctor. With all due respect to your profession, I'm enjoying my life here. I'm enjoying being a lobsterman and orchardman. In fact, I've never enjoyed myself as much. The truth is, I want to stay here. I believe I'm being of some use. [We hear the words Dr. Larch writes back to Homer in response]
Dr. Wilbur Larch:
My Dear Homer: I thought you were over you adolescence - the first time in our lives when we imagine we have something terrible to hide from those who love us. Do you think it's not obvious to us what's happened to you? You've fallen in love, haven't you? By the way, whatever you're up to can't be too good for your heart. Then again, it's the sort of condition that could be made worse by worrying about it, so don't worry about it. [the back and forth correspondence continues interwoven with scenes from Homer's life at the time]
Homer:
Dear Dr. Larch, What I'm learning her may not be as important as what I learned from you, but everything is new to me. Yesterday, I learned how to poison mice. Field mice girdle an apple tree; pine mice kill the roots. You use poison oats and poison corn. I know what you have to do. You have to play God. Well, killing mice is as close as I want to come to playing God.
Dr. Wilbur Larch:
Homer, here in St. Cloud's, I have been given the opportunity of playing God or leaving practically everything up to chance. Men and women of conscience should sieze those moments when it's possible to play God. There won't be many. Do I interfere when absolutely helpless women tell me they simply can't have an abortion - that they simply must go through with having another and yet another orphan? I do not. I do not even recommend. I just give them what they want. You are my work of art, Homer. Everything else has been just a job. I don't know if you have a work of art in you, but I know what your job is: you're a doctor.
Homer:
I'm not a doctor.
Dr. Wilbur Larch:
You're going to replace me, Homer. The board of trustees is looking for my replacement.
Homer:
I can't replace you. I'm sorry.
Dr. Wilbur Larch:
"Sorry"? I'm not sorry. Not for anything I've done. I'm not even sorry that I love you. [Cut to scene of Dr. Larch sitting on a hospital bed reading Homer's letter. He is crest-fallen and one of his nurses sits down to console him]
Dr. Wilbur Larch:
[Speaking to the nurse] I think we may have lost him to the world.
Princess Tiana:
[while standing on the balcony, she sees a wishing star] [sighs]
Princess Tiana:
I can't believe that I'm doing this. [looks up]
Princess Tiana:
Please... Please... Please [looks down and sees a frog sitting on the balcony]
Princess Tiana:
Oh, very funny. So, what now? I reckon you want a kiss?
Prince Naveen:
Kissing would be nice, yes? [Tiana screams and backs into Charlotte's room]
Prince Naveen:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. [sees Tiana about to launch stuffed animals at him]
Prince Naveen:
Wait, wait, wait, hold on. [Tiana starts throwing the stuffed animals at him]
Prince Naveen:
You know, you have a very strong arm, princess. Wait, please! Put the monkey down. [Tiana throws a stuffed monkey at him]
Princess Tiana:
[lifts up a book] Stay back, or I'll... I'll...
Prince Naveen:
Please, please [hops ontop of a table]
Prince Naveen:
, allow me to introduce myself: I am Prince Naveen [Tiana squashes him]
Prince Naveen:
... of Maldonia.
Princess Tiana:
A prince? But I didn't wish for any... Hold on, if you're the prince, then WHO was that waltzing with Lotte on the dance floor?
Prince Naveen:
The only thing I know, is that one minute I am a prince, charming and handsome, cutting-a-rug, and the next thing I know [trips over his feet]
Prince Naveen:
... I am tripping over these [points to his feet and Tiana lifts the book again]
Prince Naveen:
Wait, wait [catches sight of the book's title]
Prince Naveen:
Wait a moment, I know this story! The Froggie Printo!
Princess Tiana:
[hands the book to Naveen] The Frog Prince?
Prince Naveen:
Yes, my mother had the servants read this to me every night. [begins to flip back and forth between the last two pages of the book]
Prince Naveen:
Yes, yes, this is exactly the answer! You must kiss me!
Princess Tiana:
Excuse me?
Prince Naveen:
You will enjoy it, I guarantee. All women enjoy the kiss of Prince Naveen. Come, we pucker. [his throat bulges out and then returns to normal]
Prince Naveen:
That's new.
Princess Tiana:
Look, I'm sorry. I'd really like to help you, but I DO NOT kiss frogs.
Prince Naveen:
But on the balcony, you ask me.
Princess Tiana:
I didn't expect you to answer!
Prince Naveen:
Oh, but you must kiss me. Look, besides being unbelievably handsome, I come from a fabulously wealthy family. Surely, I can offer you some reward or a wish that I could grant, perhaps?
Princess Tiana:
[reluctantly] Just one kiss?
Prince Naveen:
Just one. Unless you beg for more [licks lips]
Princess Tiana:
[they lean in to kiss, but Tiana flips at the last second] [sighs]
Princess Tiana:
All right, all right. Get it together, Tiana. [she turns around quickly and kisses Naveen]
Prince Naveen:
[lets out a dissapointing sigh, upon realizing that he is still a frog] [he looks down and gasps in horror]
Prince Naveen:
[speaks Maldonian]
Princess Tiana:
[gazes up at the table] Well, you don't look any different. But how did you get way up there? And how did I get way down here, in all this. [sees her hands are webbed. She looks in the mirror, sees she is a frog, and screams]
Dollar Bill:
Stripping business started in Africa. Long time ago, long long time ago, white man went to Africa. And he saw all these bootiful black women, walking around, dancing, working, living, in the nude. Bucked Nakeds! You could see their public hairs. This white man went from village to village to seek out these bootiful black women, watching them perform, in the nude. TITTIES! Asses. Free. White man got an idea. He figure he go back to Europe and start the same type of business, taking away from our black women, trying to get them white bithches to dance the same identical way, huh? But to no avail. Wasn't no shame in our black women walking around BUCKED NAKED! So he went over to Europe and tried the same thang. Them white bitches told that white man the must bootiful words you ever want to hear in our profession.
Ebony:
What did she say?
Dollar Bill:
Baby, them white bitches looked that white man dead in the eye and told him, "Fuck that. Pay me!" Ha ha! That's why I get 30 percent.
Ebony:
When can I start?
Dollar Bill:
Immedjately.
Connor:
[on the phone with Sidda] Hi.
Sidda:
How did you know it was me?
Connor:
Who else? How are you feeling?
Sidda:
A little disoriented.
Connor:
Well, horse tranquilizers will do that for you.
Sidda:
I can't believe you let them do this.
Connor:
They didn't ask my permission. They called me on the way to the airport, they informed me of their plan. I saw you off.
Sidda:
From where?
Connor:
I met you at the airport, helped them get you on the plane. They're organized. They even had a note from a doctor. By the way, your pills are in your bag.
Sidda:
[to Ya Yas] I have a bag?
Caro:
Yeah, in the closet. Tell Connor we say hello.
Connor:
[Sidda asks Connor if he heard them] Yeah. I'll tell you one thing, meeting them explains a lot about you.
Sidda:
Such as?
Connor:
Well, let me put it this way. You're a hell of a lot more normal than you've any right to be.
Sidda:
Listen, I'm gonna try and bust out of here tomorrow. I gotta get back for work.
Connor:
Don't rush back on my account.
Sidda:
I just said it was for work.
Connor:
And I just meant maybe you ought to try to stay and fix this thing with your mother for once and for all.
Sidda:
Why are you so worried about this?
Connor:
Because I'm afraid that one day our kids may feel that way about you.
Sidda:
Ow.
Connor:
These women may be nuts, but I have a feeling they might know something that you don't.
Sidda:
I don't think it's fair that you're bringing kids we don't even have into this, Connor, okay? That was just a really low blow.
Connor:
Well, that's the way I feel. Stay there. Deal with it.
Sidda:
[hangs up] YOU deal with it.
Betty Warren:
[Betty's Third Editorial Voice Over] Wellesley girls who are married have become quite adept at balancing their obligations. One hears such comments as, "I'm able to baste the chicken with one hand and outline the paper with the other." While our mothers were called to the workforce for lady liberty it is our duty, nay, obligation to reclaim our place in the home bearing the children that will carry our traditions into the future. One must pause to consider why; Ms. Katherine Watson, instructor in the art history department, has decided to declare war on the holy sacrament of marriage. Her subversive and political teachings encourage our Wellesley girls to reject the roles they were born to fill.
Katherine Watson:
Slide - Contemporary art...
Connie Baker:
No, that's just an advertisement...
Katherine Watson:
Quiet. Today you just listen. What will future scholars see when they study us, a portrait of women today? There you are ladies: the perfect likeness of a Wellesley graduate, Magna Cum Laude, doing exactly what she was trained to do. Slide - a Rhodes Scholar, I wonder if she recites Chaucer while she presses her husband's shirts. Slide - hehe, now you physics majors can calculate the mass and volume of every meatloaf you make. Slide - A girdle to set you free. What does that mean? What does that mean? What does it mean? I give up, you win. The smartest women in the country, I didn't realize that by demanding excellence I would be challenging... what did it say? [Walks over to a student and picks up her copy of the editorial]
Katherine Watson:
What did it say? Um... the roles you were born to fill. Is that right? [Looks up at Betty]
Katherine Watson:
The roles you were born to fill? It's, uh, it's my mistake. [Katerine drops the student's paper back onto her desk]
Katherine Watson:
Class dismissed. [Katherine walks out of the classroom]
Little Vivi:
These are the headdresses of the queens that have gone before us. They come from Indian holy ground... the jungles of the ancients... prairies of the Norwegians... and the forests of the mighty Amazons. The royal crowns of our people. [pouring something from a jar into a glass]
Little Vivi:
This is the blood of our people, the wolf people, the alligator people, and the moon women from which we gain our strength to rule all worlds. [Hands glass to Little Teensy. Little Teensy shakes head no]
Little Vivi:
It's ok, it's just chocolate. [Teensy drinks]
Little Vivi:
Teensy Melissa Whitman: I declare you, Princess-Naked-As-A-Jaybird.
Little Teensy:
[whispers] Ah Cha Cha!
Little Vivi:
[turns to Little Caro] Caro Eliza Bennett: I declare you, Duchess Soaring Hawk. [turns to Little Necie]
Little Vivi:
Necie Rose Kelleher: I declare you, Countess Singing Cloud. And I: Viviane Joan Abbott, am hereby and forever Queen Dancing Creek. [pulls a knife out of a shield]
Little Necie:
Now, wait just one second y'all... I don't think we should be cutting ourselves with that knife...
Little Vivi:
Silence! [nicks her hands with knife and passes it down to Little Teensy]
Little Vivi:
We are the flames of the fires, the whirling of the winds. We are the waters of the rains and the rivers and the oceans. We are the rocks and the stones. And now by the power invested in me, I declare we are the mighty Ya-Ya priestesses. Let no man put us under. Now our blood flows through each other as it's done for all eternity. Loyal forever. We raise our voices in the words of Mumbo Gumbo... YA-YA!
All little Ya-Ya's:
YA-YA!
Dagmar:
So, tell me about Karin. I don't know her very well.
Lars Lindstrom:
Oh, she's wonderful. Gus and I are very lucky with women - she's wonderful. But she...
Dagmar:
That's okay, let's find you something to read
Lars Lindstrom:
No, it's just… between us?
Dagmar:
Of course.
Lars Lindstrom:
I'm worried about her. I think she has a little problem.
Dagmar:
Oh, well, maybe you shouldn't tell me.
Lars Lindstrom:
No, that's okay. It's just, and I think it's because she's insecure, it's just, she's just always trying to hug everybody. You know, some people don't like that. Some people don't like to be hugged. But she doesn't realize that. She takes it personally, and, it hurts her feelings. I don't know what to do about that. Do you?
Dagmar:
It's such a comfort sometimes, just to have somebody's arms around you. Don't you think?
Lars Lindstrom:
No.
Dagmar:
It feels good.
Lars Lindstrom:
It does not feel good. It, it hurts.
Dagmar:
Oh, like a cut, or bruise?
Lars Lindstrom:
Like a burn. Like when you go outside and your feet freeze and you come back in and then they thaw out? It's like that. It's almost exactly like that.
Dagmar:
Same with everyone?
Lars Lindstrom:
Uh, not really with Bianca. But everyone else
Katherine:
Oh my god, I have to tell you about this reall artsy party this French-Canadian girl in my acting class threw. Like everyone there they wrote like poems or novellas or something. So this one college guy, he was asian, he gets up with his little leather portfolio with a satin ribbon to tie it shut and he's gonna read his poetry. But before he starts reading, he tells us about his fascinations with the human body and he says what fascinates him even more is what comes out of the human body. [sighs to her french fries]
Katherine:
I know I'm really lactose intolerant but I really wish these had cheese on them. Anyway, evidentally he's tasted everything that's come out of his body except shit and he says he'll probably taste that one day too. And then he reads a poem about "shit" so I'm thinking, "Okay, this guy really likes shit," right? And then he keeps reading and he reads 17 poems all about shit. 17! I'm not kidding. And he's talking about the smells and the colors and the farting... Gabe, can you pass me the ketchup? Thanks. Anyway, I was so relieved when he got tired of reading. Then this ethnic woman stands up, she was like Native American or Pilipino, I can never really tell the difference, she didn't have a poem to read so she tells us about a problem that she's having. A sex problem. She says that there's like some force that's making her screw around all the time. All these guys are after her and I mean, she's not what I would call sexy. Well, not that I'm into women that way, but I can tell when a woman's sexy. I mean, she's not what I would call a skank or anything, she's just not what I would call sexy, that's all. So, anyway, this is really funny [chuckles]
Katherine:
, I drank soo much homemade ice tea that I really had to pee right in the middle of her story, right? So I get up, I go to the bathroom, but the bathroom door's locked. So I'm kind of standing there looking at the wallpaper, which is really kind of giving me a headache. Then all of a sudden the toilet flushes, the door opens and the "shit guy" walks out and he's smiling. And not one of those like polite acknowledgement smiles, but he's like SMILING like he's happy about something and all of a sudden I didn't have to pee anymore.
