Milo:
Say, Audrey. No-no offense, but how did a teenager become the chief mechanic of a multi-million dollar expedition?
Audrey:
I took this job when my dad retired. But, the funny thing was, he always wanted sons, right? One to run his machine shop, another to be middleweight boxing champion. But, he got my sister and me, instead.
Milo:
So, what... what happened to your sister?
Audrey:
She's 24 and 0, with a shot at the title next month.
David:
[Austin is sticking ads everywhere to find his Cinderella] Dude, why are you going through all this trouble for one chick?
Austin:
Look, she's not just some chick, all right? She was real.
Ryan:
Real. Like, she still had her old nose?
Austin:
No, real. The kind of girl who has more on her mind than what she wears, or how much weight she wants to lose. She listens to me, you know?
David:
Listens yo you? Hey, brother, I listen to you, okay? I feel your pa... [gets distracted by a girl passing by, then talks to the girl]
David:
...Hello, kitty!
Austin:
Yeah, you're a great listener.
David:
Well...
Ryan:
Look, man, you found her cellphone. You just gotta get some clue from that.
Austin:
The phone's locked. All I keep getting's these text messages like, "I need you", and "Come see me now."
David:
Oh dude, it's so hot.
Austin:
See, that's what I thought. Until I got one that said, "Come fix fryer".
David:
Oh, dude, that's hot AND kinky, baby! You know what I'm saying? Can I get one? Let me get a pound, baby.
Austin:
[looks at David disapprovingly]
Ethan Hunt:
[Ethan narrates someone getting into the vault] The only person allowed inside has to pass through a series of security checks. First is voiceprint identification
CIA Analyst William Donloe:
William Donloe.
Ethan Hunt:
Then, he has to put in a 6 digit code. [Donloe enters the outer room]
Ethan Hunt:
That only gets him into the outer room. Next, he is positively identified by retinal scan. [Donloe passes the retinal scan]
Ethan Hunt:
Finally, the security measures are only deactivated after insertion of a double electronic keycard... which we won't have. [Donloe then enters the vault]
Ethan Hunt:
Once inside the vault, there are 3 security systems in operation whenever the technician is out of the room. First is sound sensitive; anything above a whisper will set it off. The second is temperature-sensitive. Even the body heat of an unauthorized person inside the vault can trigger the alarm if the temperature rises just a single degree. And that temperature is controlled by an air conditioning vent 30 feet above the vault floor. That vent is guarded by a laser net. [Donloe leaves the vault, security measures activate]
Ethan Hunt:
The third one is on the floor, and it's pressure sensitive. Just the slightest increase in weight will set it off. And any of these systems, if set off, will trigger an automatic lockdown. Now believe me when I tell you, gentlemen, that all 3 systems, are state of the art. [condensation from Donloe's drink drops to the floor sets off the alarm]
Holabird:
I am looking at the same inventory, Captain, and I am sorry, I don't see where it says, 'Today we threw fifty slaves overboard', on May tenth or any other day.
Captain Fitzgerald:
As, of course, you would not.
Holabird:
I do see that the cargo weight changed. They reduced the poundage, I see. But that is all.
Captain Fitzgerald:
It's simple, ghastly arithmetic.
Holabird:
Well, for you, perhaps. I may need a quill and parchment, and a better imagination.
Captain Fitzgerald:
And what poundage do you imagine the entry may refer to, Sir? A mast and sails perhaps?
David:
I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer:
Well, why don't you get her back right now?
David:
Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer:
It sounds horrible.
David:
Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.
Edgar:
I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck. [Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Edgar:
Figures.
Whitaker:
Come on you Butterball move it!
Twins:
Sir, I'm trying, Sir!
Whitaker:
Stop trying and do it!
Twins:
Sir, yes, sir!
Whitaker:
You know what, I'm gonna start calling you Twins, do you know why, Twins?
Twins:
Sir, because I carry the weight of two normal people, sir
Whitaker:
Oh you're smart too, so you can realize that if your fat ass doesn't make it up that obstacle your fat ass will be separated! Do you understand Twins?
Twins:
Sir, yes, sir
Dante Hicks:
You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves:
Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." [throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves:
You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
