Lou:
My sweet vanilla creamy, chewy jellybeany, absolutely dreamy girl. Your juicy fruity lips, good and plenty. A cherry bomb in every bite, rich and lovely chocolate kisses delight. Mmm and mmm, melts in my mouth and in my hands. I want to nestle in your mounds and revel in your snickers, I want to Godiva into your bit o'honey, almond enjoying you, kissing up your peppermint patty, I am your sugar daddy. All saltwater Taffy, my sweet tart Sassy... hook, line, and sucker.
Mr. Jones:
Now when I went to bed last night. Didn't I tell you take out the trash?
Craig Jones:
Yeah.
Mr. Jones:
So, why didn't you do it?
Craig Jones:
I fell asleep.
Mr. Jones:
I wish you was sleeping right now, I knock you upside your head with a left hook make your ass wake up and take out that damn trash.
Craig Jones:
[Craig goes to the trash can to dump out his cereal]
Mr. Jones:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
Craig Jones:
I'm throwing this away. We ain't even got no milk.
Mr. Jones:
You better put some water on that damn shit!
Craig Jones:
Alright, I'll eat it.
Mr. Jones:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Take the garbage out front son!
Mary Katherine Gallagher:
Oh my God!
Jesus:
Oh my Me! How are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher:
It's going OK. Are you the Lord?
Jesus:
Well, to you I am. See, technically, you're, like, in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Skye, and your dad. Basically, your subconcsious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?
Mary Katherine Gallagher:
Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?
Jesus:
No, I'm good. I'm God!
Mary Katherine Gallagher:
Oh. Right.
[Dalton opens a shell casing that was in the Bradley during testing]
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Sand.
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
That's correct, sir.
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Tell me, Sergeant. Has anyone around here ever mentioned the term "court martial" recently?
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
No, sir.
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Really? That's truly amazing, Sergeant. Because here we are, watching water leak out of the gas tanks, and sand spill out of the ammunition, right before test to find out whether the damn thing is safe! And no one mentioned the word "court martial"? Why is that, Sergeant?
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
We were under orders, sir.
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
And do you believe that following those orders is conscionable, Sergeant?
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
It doesn't matter what I think or do, sir. One way or another, one of you weekend warriors from Washington will always make sure the tests come out the way you want them to.
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
I'm not here to manipulate test results, Sergeant. I'm here to learn the truth.
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
The truth? We get a new white knight here every six months, sir, and they all start out like you - big speeches that turn to shit until your next promotion comes due, and then it's business as usual.
Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Really? And where did you develop this lousy attitude, Sergeant?
Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
Right here, sir. Watching guys like you.
Professor Moody:
So, what curse shall we see first? Weasley!
Ron:
[scared] Yes?
Professor Moody:
Stand! [Ron does]
Professor Moody:
Give us a curse.
Ron:
Well... my dad did tell me about one. The Imperius Curse?
Professor Moody:
Oh, yeah, your dad would know all about that one. Gave the Ministry a lot of trouble at one time. Perhaps this will show you why. [opens a jar full of spiders and picks one out]
Professor Moody:
Hello, my little beauty! Engorgio. [the spider grows to a huge size]
Professor Moody:
Imperio! [the spider begins hopping around the room, onto student's clothes, faces, etc. Everyone starts laughing]
Professor Moody:
Don't worry, she's completely harmless! If she bites... she's lethal! [laughs with everyone]
Professor Moody:
Talented, isn't she? What shall I have her do next? Jump out the window? [the spider jumps toward the window, which is closed, and slams into the glass. Everyone stops laughing at once]
Professor Moody:
Drown herself? [the spider jumps to a pail of water and poises on the rim, ready to dive. Then he brings her back to his arms]
Professor Moody:
Scores of wizards and witches claimed that they only did You-Know-Who's bidding under the effects of the Imperius Curse. But here's the rub... how do we sort out the liars?
Master Control:
[monitor activates] I am Master Control, computer of the future.
Billy:
Aaahh! [jumps on Grim's arms]
Grim:
That'd better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy.
Master Control:
I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure, I know everything there is to know, and I'm not too shabby at checkers.
Grim:
Wait, how can you know *everything*?
Master Control:
I just do, so there.
Grim:
If you know everything, then what's the meaning of life?
Master Control:
Life has no meaning, only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale.
Grim:
Hmm, I didn't think he'd get that one right.
Billy:
Oh, yeah? Then what's my favorite color?
Master Control:
Blue.
Billy:
What's the best kind of bean?
Master Control:
Pinto.
Billy:
Why is the sky blue?
Master Control:
Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky.
Billy:
Why do I ask so many questions?
Master Control:
Because you're stupid!
Billy:
What's the color of my underwear?
Master Control:
White... [raises an eyebrow]
Master Control:
... with pink frilly lace.
Billy:
[checks in his pants] Wow. It really does know everything.
Bill:
He'll accept you as his student.
The Bride:
Caught him in a good mood, aye?
Bill:
More like a sadistic one. Just seeing those steps again makes me ache. You're gonna have plenty of fun carrying buckets of water up and down that fucker.
The Bride:
Why did he accept me?
Bill:
Because he's a very very very old man. And like all rotten bastards, when they get old, they become lonely. Not that that has any effect on their disposition. But they do learn the value of company.
The Bride:
When will I see you again?
Bill:
That's the title of my favorite soul song of the Seventies.
The Bride:
What?
Bill:
Nothing. When he tells me you're done.
The Bride:
When do you think that might be?
Bill:
That my dearest, all depends on you. Now remember, no backtalk, no sarcasm. Least not for the first year. You're going to have to let him warm up for you. He hates Caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women, so in your case, that may take a little while. Adios.
