Bruce Wayne:
[Edward extends his had to shake Bruce's] Mister...?
Edward Nygma:
Ohhhhh... Bruce Wayne.
Bruce Wayne:
No, that's uh, my name. And you are?
Edward Nygma:
Oh! Nygma. Edward... Edward Nygma. You hired me personally. We've never actually met, but you signed the employment form yourself. I have it.
Bruce Wayne:
I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed.
Edward Nygma:
Oh! Yes, of course! I'm sorry. It's just that... you're my idol.
Fred Stickley:
[reaches for Nygma's arm] Back to work Edward.
Edward Nygma:
[yanks arm away] And *some* people have been trying to keep us apart.
Fred Stickley:
Back to work Edward!
Bruce Wayne:
It's okay. So, Mr. Nygma, what's on your mind?
Edward Nygma:
Precisely! What's on all our minds? Brainwaves. [giggles]
Edward Nygma:
The future of Wayne Enterprises is brainwaves. [runs into his cubicle]
Fred Stickley:
You'll have to forgive this Mr. Wayne. I personally terminated this project this morning!
Bruce Wayne:
It's okay.
Edward Nygma:
[pops out with a high-tech contraption] I have it! Voila! Huh? My invention beams any TV signal directly into the human brain. By stimulating the neurons, manipulating brainwaves if you will, this device makes the viewer feel like they're actually inside the show! Why be brutalized by an uncaring world?
Bruce Wayne:
Did you say manipulating brainwaves?
Edward Nygma:
Well... uh... yes.
Bruce Wayne:
Hmmm.
Edward Nygma:
Not that someone like you would need this. Someone so... sophisticated... and intelligent. I just need additional funds and time for human testing. Let me show you, *please!*
Bruce Wayne:
Now look Ed, I'm going to need a full set of technical schematics on this, alright?
Edward Nygma:
I want you to know we're gonna be full partners on this Bruce! Look at us! Two of a kind!
Bruce Wayne:
You call my assistant Margaret, she'll set something up.
Edward Nygma:
[grabs Wayne by the arm] Uhhhhhh... that's not gonna be good for me. I need an answer now. I think I deserve it.
Bruce Wayne:
Well I'm sorry Ed, then the answer's no. Stimulating neurons... tampering with people's brainwaves... it just raises too many questions. I'm sorry. Thanks everybody, factory looks great. Keep up the good work.
Fred Stickley:
Alright, everyone. Back to work. [in Nygma's ear]
Fred Stickley:
We'll discuss this later!
Edward Nygma:
[watching Wayne leave] You were supposed to understand! [pause]
Edward Nygma:
I'll *make* you understand...
[at a seminar, Charlie Kaufman has asked McKee for advice on his new screenplay in which 'nothing much happens']
Robert McKee:
Nothing happens in the world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day. There's genocide, war, corruption. Every fucking day, somewhere in the world, somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else. Every fucking day, someone, somewhere takes a conscious decision to destroy someone else. People find love, people lose it. For Christ's sake, a child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church. Someone goes hungry. Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman. If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know crap about life! And why the FUCK are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!
Charlie Kaufman:
Okay, thanks.
[Jason Bourne meets Marie for the first time, when she is about to get into her car. She is suspicious of him]
Marie:
What are you looking at?
Jason Bourne:
I heard you inside.
Marie:
What?
Jason Bourne:
The consulate. I heard you talking? I thought maybe we could help each other.
Marie:
How's that?
Jason Bourne:
You need money. I need a ride outta here.
Marie:
I'm not running a car service just now, thank you.
Jason Bourne:
I'll give you ten thousand dollars for driving me to Paris.
Marie:
[She says in German] What, do you think I am, a fool?
Jason Bourne:
[He replies in German] You'd be a fool not to take it. [He holds up a packet of dollar bills]
Marie:
What is this, a joke? Some kind of scam?
Jason Bourne:
No, it's no scam. [He tosses her the packet of bills]
Jason Bourne:
And I'll give you another ten when we get there.
Marie:
Jesus. [while she leafs through the bills, a police car with siren wailing passes them, and he quickly turns away]
Marie:
Is that for you?
Jason Bourne:
Look. You drive, I pay, it's that simple.
Marie:
Scheisse. I got enough trouble, okay?
Jason Bourne:
Okay. Can I have my money back? [She looks down at the wad of bills again. A moment later, he is in the passenger seat while she drives]
Agatha Trunchbull:
I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?
Harry Wormwood:
In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.
Agatha Trunchbull:
Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.
Harry Wormwood:
Huh.
Agatha Trunchbull:
I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.
Harry Wormwood:
Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...
Agatha Trunchbull:
My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.
Harry Wormwood:
Terrific motto!
Agatha Trunchbull:
You have brats yourself?
Harry Wormwood:
Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.
Agatha Trunchbull:
They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.
Alonzo Harris:
You okay, kid? That was a man-sized hit you took, dog. When was the last time you smoked weed?
Jake Hoyt:
Last time I smoked weed... 12th grade. We were... we were...
Alonzo Harris:
Smoking weed.
Jake Hoyt:
Yeah, yeah.
Alonzo Harris:
Left that out your service jacket. Yeah, I know you got secrets. Everybody got secrets. Didn't know you liked to get wet, dog.
Jake Hoyt:
What's "wet"?
Alonzo Harris:
Butt-naked. Ill. Sherms. Dust. PCP. Primos. P-Dog. That's what you had. That's what you were smoking, you couldn't taste it?
Jake Hoyt:
No, I've never done it.
Alonzo Harris:
You have now. I haven't, but you have.
Jake Hoyt:
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Man, I'm gonna get piss-tested, and then I'm gonna get fired!
Alonzo Harris:
Lieutenant's got our back. We know a week before we piss.
Jake Hoyt:
Oh, shit. *Shit*!
Alonzo Harris:
*Boom*!
Jake Hoyt:
Why did you do this to me?
Alonzo Harris:
Nobody told you to smoke that thing. You made the decision. Live with your decision. Ain't like I put a gun to your head.
Cal:
Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Andy Stitzer:
I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.
Cal:
Don't get bitter.
Andy Stitzer:
I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Cal:
That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Andy Stitzer:
I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal:
I didn't say you were ugly as fuck.
Andy Stitzer:
Well, you implied it.
Cal:
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer:
What? You never told me that before.
Cal:
That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.
Pre-Crime Public Service Announcer:
Imagine, a world with out, murder. 6 years ago, the homicidal rates had reached epidemic proportions. It seemed that only a miracle could stop the blood shed, but instead of 1 miracle, we were given 3, the precognitives. Within 3 months of the precrime program, the homicidal rates in the District of Columbia had reduced 90 percent.
Lamar Burgess:
6 Years in the precrime prgram, and there hasn't been a single murder.
Pre-Crime Public Service Announcer:
Now, the system can work for you.
Attorney General Nash:
We want to make sure that this great system is what will keep us safe will also keep us free.
Pre-Crime Public Service Announcer:
On April 24, vote yes on the national Precrime initiative.
Nun:
Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki:
No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."
Bartleby:
[Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat] [quietly]
Bartleby:
Oh, geez...
Nun:
The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I...
Loki:
Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? [the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves]
Loki:
That-a girl. Ah. [he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face]
Bartleby:
You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki:
I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Alexander Haig:
Constitutionally, gentlemen, you have the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State in that order, and should the President decide he wants to transfer the helm to the Vice President, he will do so. He has not done that. As of now, I am in control here, in the White House, pending return of the Vice President and in close touch with him. If something came up, I would check with him, of course.
Divatox:
I Rita, D. here. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, i totally forgot about the time change, but I need you to tell me this: how do I get rid of the Power Rangers? [speaking from another planet]
Rita Repulssa:
What? The Power Rangers? Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah! If I knew that, do you think I would be lying here listening to this? [puts the phone on Lord Zedd, who is snoring]
Rita Repulssa:
My advice to you, Divatox: RUUUN!
Divatox:
Thanks for nothing!
Alix:
I found out how hard it is to change, really change. Even hell can get comfortable if you're used to it. All I wanted my whole life, was for that lonliness inside me to go away. But, it never did, no matted what I drank, or what drug I took, or where I went, who I was with. We all need something to help us get through life. All I needed was to find the right thing to rely on, something that would never go away, something I would never run out of. Turned out to be the same thing for everybody. And the funny thing was, it was there all the time, in those little glimpses of heaven in every day... In the smile of a stranger, the green of the trees, the advice of a friend, the laughter of a child, the help of a neighbor, the plane that arrived safely.
Freak:
Hey my mom gave me some advice today; she said there are four stages of consciousness development: stage one is when you're like a kid, ya know, everything is new, nothing really bothers ya, you're not self conscious but you're little; stage two is the existential stage when you like become aware of your own existence, ya know, you look around, everything seems hopeless, ya know? You're like, "Ah whats the point in doing anything, man? We're all gonna die anyway," and all that shit; and then there's stage three where you realize that everything isn't hopeless and you get a glimmer of it, you just gotta get there.
David Keenan:
Get where?
Freak:
To stage four, nirvana.
David Keenan:
So, ok, so like that make me what like a stage two and I suppose you're like a stage four.
Freak:
No man, I'm a stage one.
David Keenan:
You're so full of shit!
Freak:
Its just some shit my mom told me; you use it as you will.
