Harper Stewart:
Hey, is your pops still trying to groom you for the hotel management business?
Quentin:
Yeah, for the last 20 years? I'm just not trying to hear all that stuff, you know? Dealing with complaining-a guests, unions, and payrolls, and all that...
Harper Stewart:
Yeah, too much like a real job, huh?
Quentin:
You know what, nigga? Fuck you. You're my judge, right? That's your job. You judge me.
Harper Stewart:
No, I'm just playing, man...
Quentin:
No, nigga, you... it's just amazing how you've always analyzed everybody else's shit and then you don't do the same thing for your own self.
Harper Stewart:
Will you chill?
Quentin:
No, because you've done dirt too, motherfucker, and you're doing more dirt! That's right. You're fucking Jordan tonight, remember? Jordan. See, you ain't any better than the rest of us, got it? Your shit just ain't caught you yet.
Garfield:
Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here. Now just wake up. You got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon Arbuckle:
Not now, Garfield. [Wraps arm around Garfield]
Garfield:
[choking] Get- A- Ah- Just- All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just- [breaks free]
Garfield:
Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, eh? Well, that just ain't gonna fly! It isn't gonna work with me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL! [jumps from TV and hits Jon in the stomach]
Garfield:
Morning.
Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield!
Charlie Kaufman:
We open on Charlie Kaufman. Fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant, across from Valerie Thomas, a lovely, statuesque film executive. Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment, wanting to impress her, sweats profusely. Fat, bald Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his hand held tape recorder, and he says: "Charlie Kaufman. Fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits at a Hollywood restaurant with Valerie Thomas".
Kirk Lazarus:
Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman:
Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus:
That's kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman:
Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus:
Not Rambo I but II.
Tugg Speedman:
Really?
Kirk Lazarus:
Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman:
I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Kirk Lazarus:
Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman:
Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus:
What's the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman:
It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus:
Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
Tugg Speedman:
You look good.
Kirk Lazarus:
Any tips?
Tugg Speedman:
What?
Kirk Lazarus:
Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman:
There's, like, the pineapple...
Kirk Lazarus:
- Give me that goddamn map! [Snatches map from Tugg Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus:
Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman:
Hey!
Kirk Lazarus:
Hey!
