Captain Hook:
You, the cute little urchin in the front row, won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?
Maggie:
Yes, I said mommy reads to us every night, because she loves us very much.
Captain Hook:
Loves you? Isn't that the, uh, the...
Smee:
The L word, Captain.
Captain Hook:
Ooh, yes. No, child, I mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy to sleep, so that she and daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And you mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now! [inhales deeply]
Captain Hook:
Can't you understand, child? They tell you stories to shut you up.
Smee:
And conk you out.
Maggie:
That's not true, Jack! [to Hook]
Maggie:
You're a liar!
Captain Hook:
[laughs] Lie? Me? Never. [inhales deeply again]
Captain Hook:
The truth is far too much fun.
Oscar Madison:
Felix, I haven't seen you in what, 8, 9 years?
Felix Ungar:
Seventeen! Seventeen years, Oscar, you couldn't remember that we haven't seen each other for seventeen years?
Oscar Madison:
To tell you the truth I didn't dwell on it. Alright, seventeen years, so your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer, but you still retain that unique, elusive pain in the ass quality that drives me berserk.
Felix Ungar:
Oh really?
Mullroy:
What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?
Murtogg:
Yeah, and no lies.
Jack Sparrow:
Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.
Murtogg:
I said no lies.
Mullroy:
I think he's telling the truth.
Murtogg:
If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us.
Jack Sparrow:
Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you.