The Burgomaster:
Constable Crane! This is a song we have heard from you more than once. Now, there are two courses open to me. The first, is to let you cool your heels in the cells until you learn respect for the dignity of my office...
Ichabod Crane:
I beg pardon. But why am I the only one who can see that to solve crimes, we must use our brains, assisted by reason, using up-to-date scientific techniques?
The Burgomaster:
Which brings me to the second course. There is a town, two days journey to the north in the Hudson Highlands. It is a place called Sleepy Hollow. Have you heard of it?
Ichabod Crane:
I have not.
The Burgomaster:
An isolated farming community, mainly Dutch. Three persons have been murdered there, all within a fortnight. Each one found with the head lopped off.
Ichabod Crane:
Lopped off?
The Burgomaster:
Clean as dandelion heads, apparently. You will take these experimentations of yours to Sleepy Hollow, and there you will detect the murderer. Bring him here to face our good justice. Will you do this?
Ichabod Crane:
I will.
The Burgomaster:
Remember, it is you, Ichabod Crane, who is now put to the test.
Buddy:
Who the heck are you?
Gimbel's Santa:
What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.
Buddy:
No, you're not.
Gimbel's Santa:
Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Buddy:
Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
Gimbel's Santa:
Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?
Kid with Santa:
Four.
Gimbel's Santa:
You're a big boy. What's your name?
Kid with Santa:
Paul.
Gimbel's Santa:
Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy:
Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.
Gimbel's Santa:
Let the kid talk.
Buddy:
You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa:
Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy:
You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel's Santa:
Look, I'm not kiddin'.
Buddy:
You're a fake.
Gimbel's Santa:
I'm a fake?
Buddy:
Yes!
Gimbel's Santa:
How'd you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy:
You stink.
Gimbel's Santa:
I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.
Buddy:
You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.
Bill Weber:
Now let's go to John Hannafin, who's in the stands with a country music legend.
John Hannafin:
Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country music stars of all-time, Kenny Rogers. Kenny, what do you think of the race so far?
Kenny Rogers:
[obviously not Kenny Rogers] It's good, they're going real fast.
Bill Weber:
John, that's not Kenny Rogers.
John Hannafin:
In the song "The Gambler", you sang "You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run." Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?
Kenny Rogers:
Mr. Bobby's very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.
John Hannafin:
Well, this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.
Bill Weber:
Well, that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.
Benny Parsons:
Not even close!
