Batman:
Commissioner Gordon?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
He's at home. I sent the signal.
Batman:
What's wrong?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Last night, at the bank, I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin. It's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited.
Batman:
I know. You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional.
Batman:
You trying to get under my cape, doctor?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
A girl can't live by psychoses alone.
Batman:
It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was guys with earrings. College, motorcycles, leather jackets. Now, *oh*, black rubber.
Batman:
Try firemen, less to take off.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask.
Batman:
We all wear masks.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
My life's an open book. You read?
Batman:
I don't blend in at a family picnic.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Oh, we could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche.
Batman:
Direct aren't you?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
You like strong women. I've done my homework. Or do I need skin-tight vinyl and a whip?
Batman:
I haven't had that much luck with women.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.
Agatha Trunchbull:
I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?
Harry Wormwood:
In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.
Agatha Trunchbull:
Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.
Harry Wormwood:
Huh.
Agatha Trunchbull:
I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.
Harry Wormwood:
Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...
Agatha Trunchbull:
My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.
Harry Wormwood:
Terrific motto!
Agatha Trunchbull:
You have brats yourself?
Harry Wormwood:
Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.
Agatha Trunchbull:
They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.
Dumbledore:
Hogwarts, let's entertain our friends in the best way we can, all stand! [the entire student body stands up as one]
Dumbledore:
Maestro, if you will! [Professor Flitwick and Dumbledore both begin conducting the students as they sing the school song]
Hogwarts student body:
'Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy warty Hogwarts, teach us something please. Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees. Our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full or air, dead flies and bits of fluff!' [as they are singing, the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students merely stare, as if they can't believe what they are seeing/hearing]
[deleted scene]
Fred Weasley:
Look everyone, it's the heir of Slytherin!
George Weasley:
Be careful! He's a seriously evil wizard.
Ron:
Come on, Harry. Fred and George were just having a laugh.
Harry:
They're the only ones.
Ron:
Okay, so half the school thinks you're nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets every night. Who cares?
Harry:
Maybe they're right.
Hermione:
Harry! Harry? Oh, come on!
Harry:
Look, I didn't know I could speak Parseltongue! What else don't I know about myself? Look. Maybe you can do something, even something horrible and not know you did it.
Hermione:
You don't believe that, Harry. I know you don't. And if it makes you feel any better, Malfoy's staying for the holidays, too.
Ron:
Why would that make anyone feel any better?
Hermione:
Because, in a few days the Polyjuice Potion will be ready! In a few days, we may truly know who is the heir of Slytherin.
[all praying to God]
Tracy Flick:
Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now, I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn't, as you well know. I realize that it was your divine hand that disqualified Tammy Metzler and now I'm asking that you go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong so that I may carry out your will on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
Tammy Metzler:
Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting catholic school soon, I though I should at least practice. Let's see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.
Paul Metzler:
Dear God, than you for all your blessings. You've given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I'm told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful, but I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart, I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes, she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person because she's so smart and sensitive and I love her so much. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to you. You'll decide who the best person is and I'll accept it. And forgive me for my sins, whatever they may be. Amen.
Hermione:
Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
[seeing everyone's faces] Very well. Well, you all know, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age. Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not.
Ron:
Three guesses who.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all magic families. In other words, pure bloods. Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic.
Hermione:
Muggle-borns.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
Well naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found.
Verena Von Stefan:
Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety:
I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena Von Stefan:
Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety:
Verena!
Momo:
Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for vagina.
Tinka Parker:
Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan:
No! Real life is boy *on top* of girl!
Momo:
Would you two stop it.
Verena Von Stefan:
You should know that.
Odette:
Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka Parker:
Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena Von Stefan:
Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo:
There ya go.
Odette:
They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena Von Stefan:
I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka Parker:
Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena Von Stefan:
You'd be scared too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo:
Order! Order!
Tinka Parker:
Prude!
Verena Von Stefan:
Tramp!
Tweety:
Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
[Headmaster Trask drives into the Baird School driveway in his brand-new Jaguar. He gets out, to hear a voice on a loudspeaker]
Jimmy Jameson:
[on loudspeaker, but unidentified] Mister Trask is our fearless leader. [students hear this and gather, looking on at Trask]
Jimmy Jameson:
A man of learning, a voracious reader. He can recite "The Iliad" in ancient Greek, while fishing for trout in a rippling creek.
Trent Potter:
[Trask grins slightly, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from] Endowed with wisdom, of judgement sound, nevertheless about him, the questions abound. [We now see the same three Baird guys who set up this prank the night before; Harry opens the valve to an oxygen tank connected to a large balloon on a lamppost as Trent passes the microphone to him]
Harry Havemeyer:
How does Mister Trask make such wonderful deals? Why did the trustees buy him Jaguar wheels? He wasn't conniving, he wasn't crass... he merely puckered his lips... and kissed their ass! [balloon spins around to reveal a cartoon bearing the words being spoken; the students laugh and mock Trask]
Harry Havemeyer:
[Trask pulls out his car keys and opens the Jaguar door, then jumps up to try to pop the balloon with the key. He misses on the first try. On the second try, he succeeds, and a flood of white paint splashes down onto him and all over the car. The students applaud loudly and shout obscenities at him as this catastrophe concludes with Trask kicking the car door closed and attempting to dry his face with handkerchief]
Faher Halligan:
[after Damon is acquitted for George's murder, Gwen is asked to resign from teaching at her Catholic grammar-school] ... Gwen, you know all of us have been moved by your courage during this trying time in your life. Last night, the Board of Directors decided to reward you with a sabatical, so that you could have time to heal properly.
Gwen Saticoy:
I thought the summer vacation would do that.
Faher Halligan:
In my experience, a trial such as the one you've been through can take a long while to heal.
Gwen Saticoy:
So this "healing period" would overlap next year's school calendar?
Faher Halligan:
Well, much as that would be a disappointment to us all, we're willing to sacrifice your tremendous services for the sake of your well-being.
Gwen Saticoy:
[realizes that, in effect, she's being fired] Not to mention the sake of St. Augustine's coffers. What happened, Father Halligan? Did the contributors threaten to cancel those big checks if I'm still teaching their kids?
Faher Halligan:
What the contributors did or didn't do is entirely beside the point.
Gwen Saticoy:
On the contrary, I believe it entirely IS the point.
Faher Halligan:
I TOLD them what a fine teacher you are, and how lucky the school is to have you. In the end, there was nothing else I could do.
Gwen Saticoy:
Wasn't there?
Wendy Christensen:
Julie? I need, I need help. I have such guilt over Jason. I should never have let that ride go. You know usually I'm such a control freak but I didn't do enough to stop it, I should have done everything I could to stop it. And I wish I could have another chance, but I never can. I don't wanna someday feel that way about you, Julie. Y'know I can't talk to Mom and Dad. You're all I have left. You think when I get a place you could come stay with me for while?
Julie Christensen:
You know I will! You take this, and I'll come get it when I visit you. And hey, on your end, do you mind if I borrow the school camera for graduation tonight?
Wendy Christensen:
Ah, sure, as long as you promise to bring it back to school on Monday.
Julie Christensen:
Done!
Wendy Christensen:
Oh, the battery is pretty low, so why don't you finish getting ready and I'll charge it up a bit for you.
Julie Christensen:
Cool.
Darryl:
Sydney, If you really want to dis someone, you have to stick with the 'yo mamma jokes', here, I'll tell you one, "Yo mamma's so big, that when she was hit by a school bus, she turned around and said, 'stop throwing them rocks!'"
Michael:
How 'bout this one? 'Your mamma's teeth are so yellow, that when she smiled, all the cars in the road stoped!'
Darryl:
[Darryl laughing] That's really funny son, now GO TO YOUR ROOM, I don't want you to be talking about my mamma like that!
Daniel:
So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?
Sam:
Yeah.
Daniel:
Aha, good, good. And what does she - he - feel about ya?
Sam:
*She* doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven.
Daniel:
Good. Good. [sits on the couch next to Sam]
Daniel:
Well... [grins]
Daniel:
Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?
Cohee Lundin:
[Explaining how Alyssa's High-School nickname "Finger-Cuffs" came to be] Alyssa Jones? Shit I know Alyssa Jones, I mean I KNOW Alyssa Jones! Know what I'm sayin'? Me and Rick Darris used to hang around her house after school and shit cause her parents were like never home and shit. One day Rick just whips it out and starts rubbin it on her leg and shit, starts chasin her around the living room. I was dyin. But you know what the crazy bitch did? She drops to her knees and she just starts suckin him off. Right there in front of me, like I wasn't even there man. I almost died. But that's not the fucked up part. The fucked up part was Rick, man, right in the middle of it, he turns to me and he says 'Cohee!' Just like that, 'Co-Hee!' So I'm like, "Yo ill give it a shot." So I start pullin' her pants down and shit. All slow cause I'm figurin' any minute she's gonna turn around and belt me in the mouth and shit right? But yo check this shit out man. Shes all into it. She doesn't even try to stop me or nothin'. Shes all wet and shit and I just start going to work, Know what I'm sayin? Me and Rick are just going to town on this crazy bitch and shes just loving it, all moaning and shit, it was fucked up! So Ricks the one that came up with the nickname, cause that day she had us locked in tight from both ends like a pair of god-damned Chinese finger cuffs!
