Patrick Kenzie:
Cheese, if you ever disrespect her again like that, I'm gonna pull your fuckin' card, okay? So you're saying you didn't do it, fine. We'll take your money, and we'll be on our way. When it turns out you're lying, I'm gonna spend every nickel of that money to fuck you up. I'm gonna bribe cops to go after you, I'm gonna pay guys to go after your weak fuckin' crew, and I'm gonna tell all the guys I know that you're a C.I. and a rat, and I know a lot of people. And after that, you're gonna wish you listened to me, 'cause your shitty pool hall crime syndicate headquarters is gonna get raided, and your doped-up bitches are gonna get sent back to Laos, and this fuckin' retard right here is gonna be testifying against you for a reduced sentence, while you're gettin' cornholed in your cell by a gang of crackers. 'Cause from what I've heard, the guys that get sent up Concord for killing kids, life's a motherfucker.
Cheese:
[points gun at Kenzie] You come 'round here again, and I'm gonna get discourteous on your ass.
Montoya Santana:
I hear Little Puppet's name is on a piece of paper, ese.
J.D.:
I want you to cosign it.
Montoya Santana:
I'm taking it off, ese.
J.D.:
That punk got you kicked back in the hole, set us all back. Now he's running around talking loud shit about how he wants out of La Eme. His number's up, homes.
Montoya Santana:
I said I'm taking it off, ese.
J.D.:
What's gonna happen is gonna happen. Don't try to stop it. You understand me? I'm asking you, carnal.
Montoya Santana:
Is that where it's gotten to, ese?
J.D.:
Brothers are talking about you.
Montoya Santana:
What are they saying, ese?
J.D.:
They're saying that you're not showing them anything.
Montoya Santana:
You know, a long time ago, two best homeboys, two kids, were thrown into juvie. They were scared, and they thought they had to do something to prove themselves. And they did what they had to do. They thought they were doing it to gain respect for their people, to show the world that no one could take their class from them. No one had to take it from us, ese. Whatever we had... we gave it away. Take care of yourself, carnal.
Young Noah:
It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Young Allie:
What's that supposed to mean?
Young Noah:
[yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!
Young Allie:
You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah:
You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie:
You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah:
Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie:
Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah:
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie:
So what?
Young Noah:
So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie:
What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah:
Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie:
It's not that simple.
Young Noah:
What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie:
I have to go now.
Walter Garber:
What's her name?
Ryder:
Lavitca, she was Lithuanian... she was an ASS-model.
Walter Garber:
She asked you what?
Ryder:
You heard of hand-models, right? Advertisements?
Walter Garber:
Right.
Ryder:
She was an ass-model... she did jeans and uh you know, magazines and shit. Anyway, it was fashion week in New York and uh... I took her to Iceland.
Walter Garber:
Lavitca, Lithuanian, Ass model, Iceland, you took her to the ice...
Ryder:
So, for five-hundred bucks they'll take you on a dog-sled ride on a glacier.
Walter Garber:
Dog-sled?
Ryder:
Yeah... and you know that whole saying that if you're not the lead dog, the view never changes?
Walter Garber:
Right, otherwise you're always looking at the asshole of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
That'll be funny in a minute when I get to that part.
Walter Garber:
It's funny now.
Ryder:
[next scene] And it's eight in the morning, we haven't been to bed yet... and we're tooling across this glacier and I got this hangover that's creeping up the back of my neck... and guess what I'm looking at?
Walter Garber:
You're obviously you're staring at... the ass of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
You got it! So this dog... out of nowhere just lifts his hind-legs up and puts them in the, you know the harness there... and just takes a shit, while he's running on his front paws. So he's dumping and running, all at the same time... now that's multi-fucking-tasking if you ask me.
Walter Garber:
Get outta here, did it hit you?
Ryder:
Shit always hits you man. [next scene]
Ryder:
I didn't know it at the time, but it was profound.
Walter Garber:
Profound?
Ryder:
Yeah.
Walter Garber:
Why? Uh, you lost me.
Ryder:
Well, you know uh... when I went to prison later on, what you called. Uh, I had trouble going to the toilet... you know, a privacy thing. And I... couldn't take a shit. I was scared shitless... literally. So, you know what I thought of?
Walter Garber:
You thought of the dog.
Ryder:
That's right... I thought of that dog. If it could do what it needed to do... so could I. It saved my fucking live.
Walter Garber:
Wow, that is profound.
[Andrew transcendentally describes his favorite opera]
Andrew Beckett:
Do you like opera?
Joe Miller:
I'm not that familiar with opera.
Andrew Beckett:
This is my favorite aria. This is Maria Callas. This is "Andrea Chenier", Umberto Giordano. This is Madeleine. She's saying how during the French Revolution, a mob set fire to her house, and her mother died... saving her. "Look, the place that cradled me is burning." Can you hear the heartache in her voice? Can you feel it, Joe? In come the strings, and it changes everything. The music fills with a hope, and that'll change again. Listen... listen..."I bring sorrow to those who love me." Oh, that single cello! "It was during this sorrow that love came to me." A voice filled with harmony. It says, "Live still, I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. Is everything around you just the blood and mud? I am divine. I am oblivion. I am the god... that comes down from the heavens, and makes of the Earth a heaven. I am love!... I am love."
Alex Cross:
Don't do it, Nick.
Dr. Kate McTiernan:
Alex.
Alex Cross:
Let's talk about it, ok? You want to put the lighter down, Nick? Please?
Detective Nick Ruskin:
She has to know.
Alex Cross:
She knows, Nick.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
Then why don't you shoot me?
Alex Cross:
Ah, I don't think so. Muzzle flare, room full of gas, all that, you know? Look, Nick I'm gonna put the gun down. Look, see? There now. How's that? I want you to think about this, Nick. If you do this, no one will ever understand.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
Oh, don't mind fuck me!
Alex Cross:
No, I'm not, Nick.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
See Kate? It's all about building rapport. You use the subject's first name, and your tone, you gotta keep it soft and steady.
Alex Cross:
Establish eye contact, seek his level.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
You wanna know the truth, Alex? You're the one who really needs help.
Alex Cross:
Well, enlighten me, Nick. Tell me what the truth is.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
Truth is looking at a beautiful woman, like our Kate here, and saying to yourself, I gotta have that. I gotta break her down. It's your basest animal self. Dig deep, Alex. You'll recognize him. He's ugly.
Alex Cross:
I've run into him now and then.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
Go ahead. Reach for the Glock and take me down before I tell you about the 10 days I spent with Naomi. 10 days, Doc. Things she'd never tell you. My brown sugar, face like an angel. Perfect, every inch of her. You never knew Naomi. Not like I did. Deep down, you envy me that. Say it.
Alex Cross:
I don't work like you. I don't, hate.
Detective Nick Ruskin:
You only wish you had the courage. Good night, sweet Kate. [Alex shoots and kills Nick through a carton of Milk before he can kill Kate]
Detective Nick Ruskin:
.
Alex Cross:
Kate. It's alright Kate.
[talking on Larry King Live]
Caller:
That Republican Convention was one of the most hateful things. I'm a Republican, but I'll tell you what, Pat Robertson, personally, was one of the reasons why I voted against George Bush.
Larry King:
Okay, now, Pat, he's saying you would not let a pro-choice person share your party... or you would try to stop it.
Pat Robertson:
He just, uh, contradicted what I just said. I'm sitting here on this chair telling you something different and he said I won't do - how does he know what I'll do? Uh, I, I, think, uh, if he obviously didn't hear my speech at the convention because it closed with a beautiful story of a lovely lady holding a little, uh, starving child in her arm and, uh, it was a call for a, a better world and, and one nation under God. I can't see how anybody said that was hateful. I don't know where he's coming from but there's something there that is not just on the surface I think because I didn't say the things he said I did.
Larry King:
We'll be back with more Pat Roberson and Lyn Martin and more of your phonecalls on Larry King Live, then Tina Sinatra. Don't go away. [Show goes to commmercial break]
Pat Robertson:
That guy was a homo.
Rob Moore:
The last person to come out here and not know the password was found with an arrow in his forehead and burned to death. And do you know why he was found burned with an arrow in his head?
Jack Loot:
I got it! He was juggling apples, but there was this girl there and he really wanted to impress her. So he picked out some sharp arrows and started juggling those. Now, the girl was like, "Oh Honey, you're so brave, please be careful!" And he was all like, "Don't worry, I'm a trained professional, I do this all the time, baby!" But the thing is, he was also a chain smoker, so he had a cigarette hanging from his lips when he was saying all this. Next thing ya know, cigarette falls from his lips and goes under his shirt, catches fire - then while in mid-air, the arrow falls! He's so concerned about the fire in his shirt that he forgets about the arrows at first. But then he looks up and Wham! No longer is he just burning, but now he also has an arrow in his head! That's what happened, isn't it? That's the sad sick chain reaction of events that took that poor man's life, isn't it, Rob?
Rob Moore:
No, he gave an incorrect password!
Jack Loot:
Well that was my third choice.
Firefighter:
What's your name?
Lance:
Uh, Joe... John... uh, Joe-John.
Firefighter:
Your name's Joe-John?
Lance:
John-ston, Johnston. Joe.
Firefighter:
You wanna tell me what happened here?
Lance:
Uh, there was a fire, I dunno, I came by and it's... checkin out the fire.
Firefighter:
Well that lady uh, Mona? She said that you two were in the building together when the fire started.
Lance:
Yeah, she's a liar, cuz I dunno her so whatever, whatever she says is a lie, so...
Firefighter:
K, so you're saying you weren't in the building with that woman?
Lance:
No, not I! Aright, she started it, aright? Because she was like "I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down!" And I said "You better not... you better not!"
Firefighter:
She said it was an electrical fire.
Lance:
It was. It was a total electrical fire, it was like uh, the switches had sparks comin out, and the sockets, and uh it was like the 4th of July, man!
Firefighter:
Why aren't you wearing your pants, Joe?
Lance:
I tripped, and uh then I had to take 'em off to run faster out of the flames... [coughing]
Lance:
I think I inhaled some smoke, will you excuse me one second, I'll be right back. [runs away in the background]
Firefighter:
[into walkie talkie] We got a sprinter. Five foot five, no pants, unkempt... portly.
James:
[in a meeting with Larry] So I also have this piece, this is my anti-drug piece, it's called "High on Joy." A crack addict will look at this and say, "What am I doing wasting my life smoking all this crack when I could be high on joy?" Over here we have a mascot that I've created. His name is Felix, he's created to tune into the Latino community. He's Latino - you can tell he is because he's wearing a sombrero and a poncho, as Latinos do. You may or may not know, but about 75% of all homeless people are Latino.
Larry:
Where did you, uh, hear that?
James:
Well, I've taken my own random sampling with, uh, there's four guys that live like, on my block and three of them are Latino - 75%. I mean, the one guy is black. He could be, like, a dark-colored Latino but that wouldn't really make any sense, because that would mean 100% of homeless people are Latino. [Larry nods]
James:
Felix has a lot of slogans that will appeal, give positive messages to the Latino community. Right here, Felix is saying "No complainin', hombre!" I imagine, down in the barrio, people will be saying this to each other all the time - it's like their own sort of, uh...”What's up, doc." [Larry smiles]
Matt:
Well hey, Sara.
Sara:
Hey, Matt. Grogan's so funny.
Matt:
Yeah. Hey, sounds to me like you like him.
Sara:
Well...
Matt:
Wow. You and Garbage Dick. That's great, I mean he was just saying that...
Sara:
Wait, what did you say?
Matt:
I was just saying how Garbage Dick told me how he thought you were...
Sara:
Garbage Dick?
Matt:
Yeah. Oh, no, no. It's no big deal. I mean, that was at least a year to two ago, anyway.
Sara:
Wait, what does that mean?
Matt:
Ah, I wouldn't worry about it. Besides, everyone wears condoms these days, right?
Megan:
There's something I need to tell you.
Thomas:
You're pregnant! Oh no.
Megan:
What? No Thomas, I'm not pregnant.
Thomas:
OK, 'cause with your big head and my ears, God only knows.
Megan:
No, I'm performing at the senior show case.
Thomas:
That's great! [Leans in to kiss her]
Megan:
[Puts her hand over his face and pushes it back] And I was kinda thinking you know, maybe we should just kinda cool it for a while.
Thomas:
What do you mean?
Megan:
I'm saying I think we need to take a break.
Thomas:
Right definitely, yeah we should definitely take a break how long do you need like 30 40 minutes? We should synchronize our watches.
Megan:
No, Thomas I need space.
Thomas:
Oh, okay. Space. [starts moving chairs around to give her space around her]
Thomas:
Space is good. That's enough space?
Megan:
[Standing up] Thomas we're done.
Thomas:
Definitely this has been a long rehearsal very tough.
Megan:
Thomas I'm leaving you! I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore! We spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one! Nobody wants to see us together, not my friends, not yours. I'm saying it's over.
Thomas:
Fine. Fine leave! Get out!
Megan:
I'm sorry!
David:
Dennis, can I just say one last thing about Mars? - which may be strange coming from a Science-Fiction writer - But right now, you and me here, put together entirely of atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron, held down by this force that seems to trouble you, called gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour and whizzing through the milkyway at 600,000 miles an hour in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light; And admist all this frantic activity, fully cognisant of our own eminent demise - which is our own pretty way of saying we all know we're gonna die - We reach out to one another. Sometimes for the sake of entity, sometimes for reasons you're not old enough to understand yet, but a lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return. Isn't that strange? Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird enough? The heck do ya need to be from Mars for?
Man:
Hmm. [lets go of Ted's face and pulls out some money]
Man:
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. Here you are.
Ted the Bellhop:
I thought you said five hundred.
Man:
No, I said three hundred.
Ted the Bellhop:
No, sir. I distinctly heard you say five hundred.
Man:
Are you calling me a liar?
Ted the Bellhop:
No, sir. What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said...
Man:
But what I last said was three hundred, and what you say last is what counts.
Ted the Bellhop:
Well, then, if you say five hundred one last time, we have a deal.
Man:
You fucking with me, pendejo?
Ted the Bellhop:
No, sir, but I'm by myself, and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need.
Man:
[whispering] Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass?
Ted the Bellhop:
Why, no, sir, not the kids. It's the situation that is a pain in the ass.
Man:
No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass. All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred.
Hud:
Ocean is big, dude. All I'm saying is a couple of years ago, they found a fish in Madagascar that they thought been extinct for centuries.
Rob Hawkins:
So what? It's been down there this whole time, and nobody noticed?
Hud:
Sure. Maybe it erupted from an ocean trench, you know? Or a crevasse. Crevice. It's just a theory. I mean, for all we know, it's from another planet and it flew here.
Marlena Diamond:
Like Superman?
Hud:
Yeah, exactly like... Wait. You know who Superman is?
Marlena Diamond:
Oh, my God. You know who Superman is?
Hud:
Okay, I'm not...
Marlena Diamond:
[sarcastically] I'm, like, feeling something. Are you aware of Garfield.
[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]
Mac:
All right, how about "Cat Game?"
Foster:
Cat Game? What's the record?
Mac:
Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
Foster:
Ten? Starting right 'meow?' [Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]
Larry Johnson:
Sorry about the...
Foster:
All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration. [the man hands him his license]
Foster:
Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2) [Mac ticks off two fingers]
Larry Johnson:
Sorry. [the man laughs a little]
Foster:
Is there something funny here boy?
Larry Johnson:
Oh, no.
Foster:
Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson? [pause]
Foster:
All right meow, (3) where were we?
Larry Johnson:
Excuse me, are you saying meow?
Foster:
Am I saying meow? [Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]
Larry Johnson:
I thought...
Foster:
Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going? [man laughs]
Foster:
Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?
Larry Johnson:
I could have sworn you said meow.
Foster:
Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? [Mac is gut-busting laughing]
Foster:
Am I drinking milk from a saucer? [feigned anger]
Foster:
Do you see me eating mice?
Foster:
[Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)
Larry Johnson:
[the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.
Foster:
Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law. [rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]
Foster:
Not so funny meow, (9) is it?
Foster:
[Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)
Derek Dietl:
Susan!
Susan Murphy:
Derek?
Derek Dietl:
I've been thinking long and hard about what happened last night, and I just want to to know, I forgive you.
Susan Murphy:
You forgive me?
Derek Dietl:
Of course. It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteorite and ruined everything. And I say maybe you didn't ruin everything, because I just got a call from New York. They offered me network. All I have to do is give them an exclusive interview with you.
Susan Murphy:
Really?
Derek Dietl:
Yes. I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy. It's a win-win for Team Dietl.
Susan Murphy:
Derek, that's... amazing. Is the camera running?
Derek Dietl:
Of course.
Susan Murphy:
[Picks up Derek] Good, because I wouldn't want any of your fans to miss this. This is Susan Murphy saying goodbye, Derek! [Flicks him up in the air]
Susan Murphy:
B.O.B., could you...?
B.O.B.:
[after catching Derek] Derek, you're a selfish jerk, and guess what? I've met someone else. She's lime green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her, and she is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over!
B.O.B.:
[to cameraman] Turn it off.
