Stormont:
Noriega formed these so-called Dignity Battalions. Dingbats. They were to beat the dignity out of anyone remotely critical of Noriega. It was Dr. Frankenstein, George Bush, who created this monster when he was head of the CIA. And when Noriega's drugrunning and brutality got too much, even for the CIA, it was George, now President Bush, who decided to take him out. And just to make sure, they firebombed a big chunk of the old city. Sadly, that's where the anti-Noriega rebels were. The handful that Noriega hadn't banged up already. So no more opposition, silent or otherwise. Burnt, scattered, fled.
[sees two dogs on a horse-driven cart]
Garfield:
Hey, Odie, it's one of those royal corgis. [also sees the queen on the cart]
Garfield:
Hey lady, you got any leftover liver? [no response from the queen]
Garfield:
Ah, stuck-up little punk. Oh, I know she heard it, they had the top down. Odie... Odie? [Odie starts peeing on a British soldier's foot]
Garfield:
D'uh-oh! Odie, no, don't do the ugly American thing! [soldier looks down at Odie]
Garfield:
[running away with Odie from the soldier] The British are coming, the British are coming! Well, you made him crack anyway.
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
[after Rocky and Rocky Jr. run up the steps, and Rocky Jr. beats Rocky up the steps] Come dad you can do better then that.
Rocky Balboa:
Oh no way... It's like these steps keep growing taller every year, my goodness. [Rocky looks at the steps]
Rocky Balboa:
I can't believe it kid, this is where it all started for me. Runnin' up and these steps you know...
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
[Looks at his watch] Dad we're gonna be late.
Rocky Balboa:
Oh right... Hey kid what's wrong with your ear?
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
What's wrong with it?
Rocky Balboa:
You got somthin' growing in it like a, like a bump.
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
What bump?
Rocky Balboa:
This bump. [Rocky as a trick takes his necklace out from his sons ear, and gives it to him. Rocky Jr. eyes it in awe]
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
Thanks dad! [Hugs Rocky]
Rocky Balboa:
Hey you deserve it. Thank you for bein' born. Thank you, thank you.
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
[Holds the necklace to his ear as an earing] What do you think, the new me?
Rocky Balboa:
Well, um... You look like the daughter i've always wanted.
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
[Fake punches Rocky jokingly] What you talkin' about.
Rocky Balboa:
[jokingly] Hey yo kid don't punch me, i'm getting brittle as it is... Look at this, you know. I've been running up and down these steps for 20 years, and i never knew there was valuable pictures in this building.
Rocky Balboa Jr.:
Well your never to old to learn somthin' new. Your gonna love Piccaso.
Rocky Balboa:
Yeah, yeah well I love almost everybody.
Agent J:
Sweet dreams, big boy! [jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]
Agent J:
Whoo! Sweet... [is launched forward]
Agent J:
dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...
Agent J:
[crashes through back window of a subway car] ... big boy. Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system! [passengers ignore him]
Agent J:
Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system! [Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]
Agent J:
Yeah, now y'all runnin'! Now y'all- no, no, no, come on, sit down, sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!
[Beck & Travis are paralyzed from eating a jungle fruit]
Beck:
[slurred] Oh, thit...
Travis:
[who can't turn his head] What? What?
Beck:
Monkey! Monkey!
Travis:
Monkey? Where? Get him away from me!
Beck:
[weakly] Get out of here, Monkey.
Travis:
[weakly] Get out of here, Monkey.
Beck:
[weakly] Get out of here, Monkey. [Sounds of a swarm of monkeys running around them and drawing closer]
Travis:
Oh, no...
Beck:
I hate this place. I hate penis-eating minnows and I hate freaky fruit. I want to go home. I want concrete. I want homemade tortellini. I want my Los Angeles Lakers. I want to go home, I want to go home, I WANT TO GO HOME! [He gets pissed off enough to overcome the paralysis and lift his head and arm, waving a tree branch]
Beck:
Get out of here, monkeys! Get out of here, monkeys! [the monkeys run off. Beck tries to stand, and promptly collapses to the ground again]
[Talking to Barry Mashburn- the man running the hold-up]
Barry Mashburn:
No one's hurt. [pauses]
Barry Mashburn:
Yet.
Jack Malone:
Does that include Sydney Harrison?
Barry Mashburn:
Sydney's safe for now.
Jack Malone:
Can you tell me where she is?
Barry Mashburn:
She's, uh, she's, uh, she's with my partner. [Martin listens in on the phone conversation]
Barry Mashburn:
You know, but one word from me and she dies. They don't hear from me by midnight, she dies. You understand that?
Jack Malone:
Okay, Barry, I got it, I got it. It's good that you've kept your cool.
Barry Mashburn:
Yeah, so far.
Jack Malone:
Right, 'cause you don't want to hurt anyone, Barry, because if you do, that's when things are going to get difficult.
Barry Mashburn:
Oh, yeah, well, things are really peachy right now.
Bailiff:
Hear ye, hear ye! All those with business before this court, step forward and ye shall be heard. [Mentok's theme music starts up]
Bailiff:
The right honorable Mentok presiding.
Mentok:
[emerging from a purple cloud] Was I announced? [Bailiff nods]
Mentok:
And now! Kicking ass, and taking minds! *Mentok! The Mindtaker!* [music abruptly cuts dead]
Mentok:
Or was it the other one; the, uh, "Now presiding," blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah...?
Bailiff:
Uh, w - We were running late, so I just thought... Y'know, the short one... Because it's shorter.
Mentok:
Uh-huh. Okay, yeah. Bigger one next time, all right? Try the scary one... next time.
Host:
Backstage after my performance at the Viper room. In walks, 16 of the hottest groupies that I have ever seen before, wearin' nothing but kimonos and body glitter. I mean were doin' zippers and zoomers, jalepeno poppers you name it. Suddenly one of the twins stars yelling at me, "Oh my God, your eyes are bleeding." So they rush me to the hospital, where I was legally dead for 17 minutes. Finally they shock me back to life, I say, "Thanks, doc, I've got a few ladies to entertain...” So eleven orgasms later, two and a half of them mine, the next thing I know I'm on fire, running through the Château Marmont. It didn't, happen, but man, that would have been a wild night.