Cal:
Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Andy Stitzer:
I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.
Cal:
Don't get bitter.
Andy Stitzer:
I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Cal:
That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Andy Stitzer:
I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal:
I didn't say you were ugly as fuck.
Andy Stitzer:
Well, you implied it.
Cal:
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer:
What? You never told me that before.
Cal:
That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.
John:
Dance?
Diana:
I should go.
John:
I remember once when I was young, and I was coming back from some place, a movie or something. I was on the subway and there was a girl sitting across from me and she was wearing this dress that was bottoned queer up right to here, she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I was shy then, so when she would look at me I would look away, then afterwards when I would look back she would look away. Then I got to where I was gonna get off, and got off, the doors closed, and as the train was pulling away she looked right at me and gave me the most incredible smile. It was awful, I wanted to tear the doors open. And I went back every night, same time, for two weeks, but she never showed up. That was 30 years ago and I don't think that theres a day that goes by that I don't think about her, I don't want that to happen again. Just one dance?
Barry:
[First Line]
Barry:
Welcome to the University of Ithica. This is it, right here. This is what we're talkin about. I'm gonna give you a good tour today. Show you as much, as much as you need to know, plus a, plus a whole lt more actually. So this is the main area of the University. You'll be getting used to this area. This is sort of where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me everyone, come in around me. Don't straggle. We've had prblems... I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? It's not pretty, It's not pretty when it happens. This is the uh... By the way this is the Joseph H. Nelson library here, okay? It was built in the, uh... 1600s.
Student in the Tour:
1600s? It says 1951. [snickering]
Barry:
[Turns & looks, faces group] That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
Robbie:
[Robbie notices Julia's fiancee is flirting with another woman across the room, so he tries to provoke him to talk] That is one fine piece of ass right there, hm?
Glenn:
That's Grade A top choice meat!
Robbie:
Yeah, I'd just like to bite right through that thing, arg!
Glenn:
[Glenn starts laughing in agreement]
Robbie:
Yeah but we can't get chicks like that now. We're too old.
Glenn:
Speak for yourself, man. I can still get chicks like that.
Robbie:
Not that hot right?
Glenn:
Gotten hotter.
Robbie:
Ten years ago!
Glenn:
Try ten *days* ago.
Robbie:
Really... As hot as that?
Glenn:
Hotter, and younger.
Robbie:
How do you do it, man? I mean how do you do it without getting caught?
Glenn:
Julia's completely preoccupied with the wedding. She doesn't know what's going on.
Robbie:
Yeah, but you know what sucks though? Once you get married, the party's over, right?
Glenn:
I work in the city, man. And I work long hours.
John McClane:
You know what you get for being a hero? Nothin'. You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah, blah, blah, attaboy. You get divorced. Your wife can't remember your last name. Your kids don't want to talk to you. You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me, kid, nobody wants to be that guy.
Matt Farrell:
Then why you doing this?
John McClane:
Because there's no body else to do it right now, that's why. Believe me, if there were somebody else to do it, I'd let them do it, but there's not. So we're doing it.
Matt Farrell:
Ah. That's what makes you that guy.
Skylar:
Do you have lots of brothers and sisters?
Will:
I'm Irish Catholic, what do you think?
Skylar:
But how many?
Will:
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Skylar:
Why? Go on, what, 5? 7? 8? How many?
Will:
I have 12 big brothers.
Skylar:
You do not have 12 brothers.
Will:
I swear to God, I swear to God, I'm lucky 13 right here.
Skylar:
Do you know all their names?
Will:
Do I... yeah, they're my brothers.
Skylar:
What are they called?
Will:
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brad.
Skylar:
Say it again.
Will:
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
Skylar:
...and Willy.
Will:
Willy? Will...
Travis:
Wyatt, could you maybe talk to Marco about him always doing my face? You remember in the "What?" video I established the [makes face]
Travis:
face? Well ever since then, every time you see Marco, he's doing the [makes face]
Travis:
face and it's MINE. You look at him on TRL: "Hi Carson! [makes face]
Travis:
" You look at him on the Kids' Choice Awards: "This is ours? Thanks! [makes face]
Travis:
" And then right here on the cover of Seventeen Magazine: "Hi little girl, beauty secrets? [makes face]
Travis:
" It's my face... it's MY face!
Marco:
Uh, hey Travis, am I uh, [makes face]
Marco:
doin' your face, 'cause [makes face]
Marco:
god forbid I [makes face]
Marco:
do your face 'cause it's [makes face]
Marco:
such a good face! [Travis jumps Marco]
Wyatt:
[Breaks them apart] Eye contact. Hand. [slaps Marco's hand]
Wyatt:
Eye contact. Hand. [slaps Travis' hand]
Wyatt:
Now, when we land, I will talk to the choreographer, and she will get you a new face.
Marco:
Awh, too bad his mama couldn't give him a good face!
Mr. Pink:
Hey, why am I Mr. Pink?
Joe:
Because you're a faggot.
Mr. Pink:
Why can't we pick our own colors?
Joe:
No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn't work. You got four guys all fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Black, but they don't know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You're Mr. Pink. Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow.
Mr. Brown:
Yeah, but Mr. Brown is a little too close to Mr. Shit.
Mr. Pink:
Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. Pussy. How 'bout if I'm Mr. Purple? That sounds good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.
Joe:
You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. Your Mr. PINK.
Mr. White:
Who cares what your name is?
Mr. Pink:
Yeah, that's easy for your to say, you're Mr. White. You have a cool-sounding name. Alright look, if it's no big deal to be Mr. Pink, you wanna trade?
Joe:
Hey! NOBODY'S trading with ANYBODY. This ain't a goddamn, fucking city council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. Now what's it gonna be, Mr. Pink?
Mr. Pink:
Jesus Christ, Joe, fucking forget about it. It's beneath me. I'm Mr. Pink. Let's move on.
Joe:
I'll move on when I feel like it... All you guys got the goddamn message?... I'm so goddamn mad, hollering at you guys I can hardly talk. Pssh. Let's go to work.
