Fred Claus:
You're gonna get hooked on that thing. I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later, you'll wake up, you're thirty-five, you're overweight, you're crying about your life in front of the soaps. I just did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends, play kick the can, do some athletic stuff, go to school, you're comfortable enough to play sports, you get a partial scholarship, you got any ethnic in your background, any ethnicity in your background? I bet you do. It's America, you know what I mean? Find out what it is and put that down on the application for college. Now all the sudden you get a little extra money on the side, Uncle Sam's none the wiser for it. You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle with it or something. Be a lady. Maybe meet a guy while you're at school. And then you'll get pregnant with child, it works out with the guy, it doesn't work out with the guy, who cares? You're blessed to have that kid in your life. You're going to be athletic, you're going to be a moderate to lukewarm student, and you're gonna have a child before you graduate college. And who are you going to have to thank for all that? Not the big guy in the red suit, but your pal Fred.
Girl with Plasma TV:
Ugh!
Fred Claus:
Sometimes it hurts to grow.
Mike Strank:
Any man that doesn't have his masturbation papers in order better get them signed by tomorrow night or he ain't going overseas.
Gust:
I got mine already.
Lundsford:
Oh, yeah, I'm square.
Franklin Sousley:
Wait, wait. Why am I just hearing about this?
Mike Strank:
That's horseshit, Franklin! I don't have to repeat everything twice for you.
Franklin Sousley:
No, I didn't hear nothin' about no masturbating papers!
Ira Hayes:
Heard they were running short.
Franklin Sousley:
You know, nobody tells me nothing. That's real nice, guys!
Mike Strank:
All right, get your ass over to the officer in charge of records. Maybe he's got some more left. Leave your smokes. I'll play for you.
Franklin Sousley:
Thanks, Mike.
Mike Strank:
Listen, if he calls you an idiot, you take it like a man, okay? Just *do not* leave without signing them.
Divers alarums and excursions', she read, uncertainly. 'That means lots of terrible happenings, said Magrat. 'You always put that in plays.'
Alarums and what?', said Nanny Ogg, who hadn't been listening.
Excursions', said Magrat patienly.
Oh.' Nanny Ogg brightened a bit. 'The seaside would be nice,' she said.
Oh do shut up, Gytha,' said Granny Weatherwax. 'They're not for you. They're only for divers, like it says. Probably so they can recover from all them alarums.
Jake Tyler Brigance:
We're going to lose this case, Carl lee. There are no more points of law to argue here. I want to cope a plea, maybe Buckley will cop us a second degree murder and we can get you just life in prison.
Carl Lee Hailey:
Jake, I can't do no life in prison. You got to get me off. Now if it was you on trial...
Jake Tyler Brigance:
It's not me, we're not the same, Carl Lee. The jury has to identify with the defendant. They see you, they see a yardworker; they see me, they see an attorney. I live in town, you live in the hill.
Carl Lee Hailey:
Well, you are white and I'm black. See Jake, you think just like them, that's why I picked you; you are one of them , don't you see?. Oh, you think you ain't because you eat in Claude's and you are out there trying to get me off on TV talking about black and white, but the fact is you are just like all the rest of them. When you look at me, you don't see a man, you see a black man.
Jake Tyler Brigance:
Carl Lee, I'm your friend.
Carl Lee Hailey:
We ain't no friends, Jake. We are on different sides of the line, I ain't never seen you in my part of town. I bet you don't even know where I live. Our daughters, Jake; they ain't never gonna play together.
Jake Tyler Brigance:
What are you talking about?
Carl Lee Hailey:
America is a war and you are on the other side. How's a black man ever going to get a fair trial with the enemy on the bench and in the jury box?. My life in white hands? You Jake, that's how. You are my secret weapon because you are one of the bad guys. You don't mean to be but you are. It's how you was raised. Nigger, negro, black, African-american, no matter how you see me, you see me different, you see me like that jury sees me, you are them. Now throw out your points of law Jake. If you was on that jury, what would it take to convince you to set me free? That's how you save my ass. That's how you save us both.
Oogie Boogie Man:
Oh, the sound of rolling dice to me is music in the air, / 'cause I'm a gambling Boogie Man, although I don't play fair. / It's much more fun, I must confess, with lives on the line. / Not mine, of course, but yours, old boy, / now, that'll be just fine.
[first lines]
Michael "Goob" Yagoobian:
Then, um, I didn't choose that one because it was gonna give me pimples so I choosed, um, another scary one cause for, um, all those years that I went for halloween I wasn't scary at all... I love baseball. It's my destiny to play that game. And I don't really care about winning. Well, like, now i do, cause, like, we've lost every game and I've gotten tired of it! I'm working like so hard, all the balls are getting thrown to me, I'm trying to catch like everyone. All of the people in the out field are all looking around, and, c'mon, lets play some baseball, ok? not the lazy game... They're here... Lewis? Lewis?
Lewis:
Goob? Hey Goob? I've finished it! They're gonna love this!
Stevo:
And so there I was. I was gonna go to Harvard. It was obvious. I was gonna be a lawyer and play in the God-damned system, and that was that. I was my old man. He knew, so what else could I do? I mean, there's no future in anarchy; I mean let's face it. But when I was into it, there was never a thought of the future. I mean we were certain the world was gonna end, but when it didn't, I had to do something, so fuck it. I could always be a litigator in New York and piss the shit out of the judges. I mean that was me: a trouble maker of the future. The guy that was one of those guys that my parents so arrogantly saved the world for, so we could fuck it up. We can do a hell of a lot more damage in the system than outside of it. That was the final irony, I think. That, and well, this. And "fuck you" for all of you who were thinking it: I guess when all was said and done, I was nothing more than a God-damned, trendy-ass poser.
Professor G.H. Dorr:
Madam, or rather, mesdames, you must accept our apologies for not bein' able to perform, for, as you see, we are shorthanded. Gawain is still at work, and we could no more play with one part tacit than a horse could canter shy one leg. Perhaps I could offer, as a poor but ready substitute, a brief poetic recital. Though I do not pretend to any great oratorical skills, I would be happy to present, with your ladies' permission, verse from the unquiet mind of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. Ladies, thy beauty is to me like those Nicean barks of yore, that gently, o'er a perfumed sea, the weary, wayworn wanderer bore, to his own native shore. On desperate seas long wont to roam, thy hyacinth hair, thy classic face, thy Naiad airs have brought me home to the glory that was Greece and the grandeur that was Rome.
Connor:
[Talking to Dot] You know, I was thinking about you last night. I was thinking that if we went on a road trip, how quiet it would be.
Connor:
You know, we could go all the way through Long Island to Pennsylvania. You know, that's where they make Hershey's chocolate. Pennsylvania. And all the lamp posts look like Hershey's Kisses. They give you free M&M's at the factory.
Connor:
I can smell your hair. It smells like cucumbers. I got really, really hard last night. I had to beat off. And my mom was just outside of my room, putting the towels away. You know I could hear her, but I couldn't help myself.
Connor:
I mean, I came four times. I mean, four times, that isn't normal, is it? What am I gonna do? I'm this sex addict with a learning disorderd who forgot how to play basketball.
Russell Hammond:
[Russell grabs phone away from William] Hey, mom! It’s Russell Hammond. I play guitar in Stillwater. Hey, how does it feel to be the mother of the greatest rock journalist we've met? Hello? Hello...? Look, you've got a really great kid here. There's nothing to worry about. We're taking good care of him, and you should come to the show sometime - join the circus...
Elaine Miller:
Hey, hey, listen to me, mister. You're charm doen't work on me - I'm on to you. Of course you like him...
Russell Hammond:
Well, yeah...
Elaine Miller:
He worships you people. And that's fine by you as long as he helps make you rich.
Russell Hammond:
Rich? I don't think so...
Elaine Miller:
Listen to me. He's a smart, good-hearted fifteen year old kid with infinite potential.
Russell Hammond:
[Russell is stunned]
Elaine Miller:
This is not some apron-wearing mother you're speaking with - I know all about your valhalla of decadence and I shouldn't have let him go. He's not ready for your world of compromised values and diminished brain cells that you throw away like confetti. Am I speaking to you clearly?
Russell Hammond:
Yes - yes, ma'am...
Elaine Miller:
If you break his spirit, harm him in any way, keep him from his chosen profession which is law - something you may not value, but I do - you will meet the voice on the other end of this telephone and it will not be pretty. Do we understand each other?
Russell Hammond:
Uh, yes, ma'am...
Elaine Miller:
I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell. Please get my son home safely. You know, I'm glad we spoke. [Elaine hangs up]
Russell Hammond:
[Russell stands holding phone in stunned silence]
