Blythe Remington:
Zombies are getting harder and harder to find, if we're gonna continue making a living doing this, we've gotta infect our own towns, start our own plagues, spread the virus.
Hunter Leah:
You're crazy.
Blythe Remington:
You don't know what crazy is. Crazy? Crazy is when you come home, and find that your wife has been bitten, and turned into one of these things. Crazy is when you turn around, and your ten year old daughter is behind you with the flesh of her mother still in her mouth, and you have to kill her, cuz you know if you don't, she's gonna kill you. Neither of you people know crazy. *I* know crazy.
Hunter Leah:
When have you done this, Blythe?
Blythe Remington:
Twice. Once in Lost Hills.
Hunter Leah:
and the other? [Blythe looks out the window where there's a massive horde of the undead]
Jackson:
Shit!
Bob Saget:
There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. He's got a very huge wiener. It's about that big... [indicates the length of his throat]
Bob Saget:
I believe that's Shandling's joke. When you lift something it better be a cock. Here we go. This family, mother, father, four kids. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway... [laughs]
Bob Saget:
- as nothing more than a hole. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you fuck 'em. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" and the father goes, "Watch us." He rips off his wife's bra. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's... do NOT fuck your family. So they're all fucking each other right. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. It's like a hemorrhaging shit-ass. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. It's like Curly in the Stooges. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" The projectile shit is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. You don't know whether to shit or puke in this room. That's how... [starts laughing uncontrollably]
Bob Saget:
What the fuck am I doing?
Shock-G:
All of the Biggie versus Pac heads... First of all, Biggie's gonna win hands down if you're talking flow. Strictly from a rhythm standpoint, Biggie is a swinger. He swings like a horn player over jazz. "B-I, G-P-O, P-P-A, no-in-fo, for-the, D-E-A". He put more emphasis on the "uh-UH, uh-UH-uh..." He just spelling his name. When people say Pac is the best rapper of all time, they don't just mean he's the best rapper, they just mean what he had to say was most potent, most relevant, and that he was the better... human being. Tupac pulled from Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, all the good... speakers. "Even though you was a crack FIEND mama, you always was a black QUEEN mama." It's like pouring those words out because you mean it.
President Andrew Shepherd:
For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is why aren't you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? If you can answer that question, folks, then you're smarter than I am, because I didn't understand it until a few hours ago. America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the "land of the free". I've known Bob Rumson for years, and I've been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn't get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President's girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she's to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league. [pauses]
President Andrew Shepherd:
I've loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer, and I lost the other 'cause I was so busy keeping my job I forgot to do my job. Well, that ends right now. Tomorrow morning, the White House is sending a bill to Congress for its consideration. It's White House Resolution 455, an energy bill requiring a 20 percent reduction of the emission of fossil fuels over the next ten years. It is by far the most aggressive stride ever taken in the fight to reverse the effects of global warming. The other piece of legislation is the crime bill. As of today, it no longer exists. I'm throwing it out. I'm throwing it out writing a law that makes sense. You cannot address crime prevention without getting rid of assault weapons and handguns. I consider them a threat to national security, and I will go door to door if I have to, but I'm gonna convince Americans that I'm right, and I'm gonna get the guns. We've got serious problems, and we need serious people, and if you want to talk about character, Bob, you'd better come at me with more than a burning flag and a membership card. If you want to talk about character and American values, fine. Just tell me where and when, and I'll show up. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I *am* the President.
Elmer:
Why are we at the Grand Canyon?
Sue:
The Colorado River is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. [Looks at Luke and Elmer]
Sue:
Is this news to both of you?
Elmer:
Geography wasn't my thing. I was more of an arts and music guy.
Luke:
I was remedial.
Sue:
Yeah, but everybody knows that the Colorado River is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I thought you were taking me to a fort at a crossing?
Luke:
Sue, please don't yell. He's the one who told you about the army and the fort and all that stuff. That's the first I ever heard of it.
Sue:
[Turns to Elmer] You were lying?
Elmer:
No, I wasn't lying. He's the one that's supposed to know this country like the back of his hand. I figured once we reached the Colorado it was either left or right to the fort. Personally, I was gonna go straight and let you take it from there with your suicide plot against the U.S. Army.
Sue:
I should've left you two for the Cursed.
Elmer:
It was your crazy uncle Geronimo set 'em loose. So I don't see either one of us is to blame for our problems right now.
Sue:
You wanna blame me for my uncle's curse? I'm not the one who drove him off a cliff, *soldier*. And if I hadn't've found you two idiots, they would have. I hope this plague kills all of you white people.
Elmer:
I ain't that big a fan of white people either, sister. At least we got fucking wheels.
Sue:
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Elmer:
Wheels... the basic benchmark of civilization. You Indians are supposed to be so great and wise and everything; and I got sympathy for your situation, I do. But you'd still be dragging everything on the ground if we hadn't've brought wheels into this country. And horses. The fucking Spanish brought you your horses, did you know that? Before they got here, you was just a bunch of savages in diapers dragging all your shit around on sticks and blankets.
Sue:
That is so ignorant.
Elmer:
Seems like you like our guns too; and I ain't even gonna start on the fire water shit.
Sue:
Did you invent the wheel, Elmer? No, you didn't. But you're gonna take personal credit for Western Civilization? Your monkey ancestors happened to be born in an area with abundant founder crops; big, slow ruminants, and a lateral continental axis that allowed for the development of agriculture, writing and maritime technology. Not to mention cross-species plagues, which are the real weapons of European conquest. So you invented smallpox; nice going *dick*!
Luke:
Monkey ancestors?
Sue:
Oh, Jesus Christ. Read a book!
Elmer:
What the hell kinda crazy book is that shit in?
