Stumpy: Oh you foolish foolish boys. This is how it all starts. I've seen it all before. I was there. I was there. Yeah! It was called the 80's! Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House, FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bumming in a hole in the wall town in what is now called "Utah". Some fellow from Colorado shows up- starts making all kinds of so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets were running us with lattes! Rick: No? Stumpy: Yup!... It got so bad that a fellow that liked to, you know, smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster! Maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, is uncouth, "Against God!" and bad for real estate values. STUMPY HAD TO GOOOO! Richard, be careful what you wish for. Rick: You got it Stump Stumpy: Be careful what you wish for! Rick: I will Stumpy: Alright? [slams knife down onto table but into his own hand] Rick: GOD! Stumpy: [voice straining] I'm good Pigpen: [nonchalantly] You better put something on that Stumpy: [Walks away straining]
[Nixon awkwardly puts his arm around John Dean, his legal counsel] Richard M. Nixon: John, I want you to get away from this madhouse, these reporters, and go up to Camp David for the weekend. And I want you to write up a report. I want you to put everything you know about Watergate in there. John Dean: You want me to put it all in writing. Over my signature. Richard M. Nixon: Well, nobody knows more about this thing than you do, John. The details, that stuff, I don't know about. [a pause] John Dean: Sir, I'm not going to be the scapegoat for this. Haldeman and Ehrlicman are in just as deep as me.
Stumpy: I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with late'. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. So we had to go!
[after the Kent State shootings] Richard M. Nixon: I'd like to offer my condolences to those families. But Nixon can't.
Bob Zelnick: [Doing his Nixon impersonation] That Jack Kennedy, he screwed anything that moved. He had a go at Checkers once, and that poor bitch was never the same after that.
Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard. Tugg Speedman: What do you mean? Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...
Lilly Raines: I heard you and Nixon didn't get along. Frank Horrigan: Now, that's not true. His chief of staff, though, that was a different story. I remember one time, he wanted me to go out and get rid of some anti-war protestors. I said no, talking about the Bill of Rights and so on. And he says, "look, when I'm talking to you, I am the President." I said, "The President? That's funny, you look more like a sack of shit in a cheap suit to me, sir!" Lilly Raines: [laughs] Well, I like the "sir." It's a classy touch. Frank Horrigan: I thought so.
Richard M. Nixon: Do you miss Cuba, Manolo? Manolo Sanchez: Yes, Mr. President. Richard M. Nixon: We let you down, didn't we. Your people. Manolo Sanchez: That was Mr. Kennedy, sir. Richard M. Nixon: You don't think he was a hero? Manolo Sanchez: [shrugs] He was a politican. Richard M. Nixon: Did you cry when he died? Manolo Sanchez: Yes. Richard M. Nixon: Why? Manolo Sanchez: I don't know. He made me... see the stars. Richard M. Nixon: How did he do that? [a beat. Nixon is deep in thought] Richard M. Nixon: All those kids... Why do they hate me so much?
Captain Spock: There is an old Vulcan proverb: only Nixon could go to China.
Henry Geldzahler: He used to, Nixon used to have a room at the Waldorf Astoria, but then he moved to Saddle River, New Jersey. Jack Milo: Saddle River's in New York. Andy Warhol: I think it's in New Jersey. Jack Milo: New York. Andy Warhol: It's... it's in New Jersey. Jack Milo: Saddle River's in New York!
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