Bernard:
[after Shame lies about him and Wayman] He's lying! Don't believe him, Bernard. Don't believe him.
Shame:
Oh, you didn't say that last night when we was in bed together, girl!
Bernard:
You *slept* with him? You *slut*! [slaps Wayman senseless]
Wayman:
Bernard?
Shame:
Save your tears, honey, you never had a chance! Coffee's good with cream but better when it's black!
Bernard:
Don't you ever, *ever* call me again. And you "Mr. Coffee", if you like some steamed milk with your double espresso, I'm your man!
Wayman:
Bernard, I'm sorry! I promise I'll call you.
Bernard:
[simultaneously] Don't sorry me, Wayman!
Ron Weasley:
It's beautiful, isn't it? The moon.
Harry Potter:
Divine. Had ourselves a little late night snack, did we?
Ron Weasley:
It was on your bed, the box, I just thought I'd try one.
Harry Potter:
Or twenty.
Ron Weasley:
I can't stop thinking about her, Harry.
Harry Potter:
Honestly, you know, I reckon she was starting to annoy you.
Ron Weasley:
She could never annoy me. I think I love her.
Harry Potter:
Oh... brilliant.
Ron Weasley:
Do you think she knows I exist?
Harry Potter:
Well, I'd bloody well hope so, she's been snogging you for three months.
Ron Weasley:
Snogging? Who are you talking about?
Harry Potter:
Who are you talking about?
Ron Weasley:
Romilda, of course. Romilda Vane.
Harry Potter:
Okay, very funny.
Ron Weasley:
[throws the chocolates box at Harry]
Harry Potter:
What was that for?
Ron Weasley:
It's no joke! I'm in love with her!
Harry Potter:
Alright, fine, you're in love with her! Have you ever actually met her?
Ron Weasley:
No... Can you introduce me?
Captain Hook:
You, the cute little urchin in the front row, won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?
Maggie:
Yes, I said mommy reads to us every night, because she loves us very much.
Captain Hook:
Loves you? Isn't that the, uh, the...
Smee:
The L word, Captain.
Captain Hook:
Ooh, yes. No, child, I mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy to sleep, so that she and daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And you mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now! [inhales deeply]
Captain Hook:
Can't you understand, child? They tell you stories to shut you up.
Smee:
And conk you out.
Maggie:
That's not true, Jack! [to Hook]
Maggie:
You're a liar!
Captain Hook:
[laughs] Lie? Me? Never. [inhales deeply again]
Captain Hook:
The truth is far too much fun.
Ron Burgundy:
[singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland:
[singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland:
[singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland:
[singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy:
You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland:
[singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind:
I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana:
Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland:
Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana:
Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland:
Man.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland:
[singing] Afternoon delight.
Ken:
Up there, the top altar, is a vial brought back by a Flemish knight from the Crusades in the Holy Land. And that vial, do you know what it's said to contain?
Ray:
No, what's it said to contain?
Ken:
It's said to contain some drops of Jesus Christ's blood. Yeah, that's how this church got its name. Basilica of the Holy Blood.
Ray:
Yeah. Yeah.
Ken:
And this blood, right, though it's dried blood, at different times over many years, they say it turned back into liquid. Turned back into liquid from dried blood. At various times of great stress.
Ray:
Yeah?
Ken:
Yeah. So, yeah, I'm gonna go up in the queue and touch it, which is what you do.
Ray:
Yeah?
Ken:
Yeah. You coming?
Ray:
Do I have to?
Ken:
Do you have to? Of course you don't have to. It's Jesus' fucking blood, isn't it? Of course you don't fucking have to! Of *course* you don't fucking have to!
Christie - Wife #6:
If you're a bad boy, I'm gonna spank you! [she spanks Tom]
Tom:
Ow! Ok, I've got something to say to you. [Hannah kicks him]
Tom:
Ow!
Christie - Wife #6:
Tom, I just want you to know that if you need anything, money, advice, help with girl problems, you can always come to me. I'd like you to think of me as a real mother.
Tom:
Alright, sure [Tom's dad comes over]
Christie - Wife #6:
Oh, here he is!
Thomas Bailey Sr.:
She's just as drunk as the night we met. [Tom starts to take a drink from his whiskey but Christie snatches it away and drinks it herself]
Tom:
Oh got right on ahead.
Thomas Bailey Sr.:
[Slaps Tom] You're a bad influence on her!
Tom:
Wha-? Me? [Thomas Sr. and Christie walk off]
Hannah:
He knows that he can just date right?
Tom:
No, I don't think so. [They laugh]
Mike Strank:
Any man that doesn't have his masturbation papers in order better get them signed by tomorrow night or he ain't going overseas.
Gust:
I got mine already.
Lundsford:
Oh, yeah, I'm square.
Franklin Sousley:
Wait, wait. Why am I just hearing about this?
Mike Strank:
That's horseshit, Franklin! I don't have to repeat everything twice for you.
Franklin Sousley:
No, I didn't hear nothin' about no masturbating papers!
Ira Hayes:
Heard they were running short.
Franklin Sousley:
You know, nobody tells me nothing. That's real nice, guys!
Mike Strank:
All right, get your ass over to the officer in charge of records. Maybe he's got some more left. Leave your smokes. I'll play for you.
Franklin Sousley:
Thanks, Mike.
Mike Strank:
Listen, if he calls you an idiot, you take it like a man, okay? Just *do not* leave without signing them.
The stuff of nightmare is their plain bread. They butter it with pain. They set their clocks by deathwatch beetles, and thrive the centuries. They were the men with the leather-ribbon whips who sweated up the Pyramids seasoning it with other people's salt and other people's cracked hearts. They coursed Europe on the White Horses of the Plague. They whispered to Caesar that he was mortal, then sold daggers at half-price in the grand March sale. Some must have been lazing clowns, foot props for emperors, princes, and epileptic popes. Then out on the road, Gypsies in time, their populations grew as the world grew, spread, and there was more delicious variety of pain to thrive on. The train put wheels under them and here they run down the log road out of the Gothic and baroque; look at their wagons and coaches, the carving like medieval shrines, all of it stuff once drawn by horses, mules, or, maybe, men.
Kaffee:
Private Downey, one last time, why did you go into Santiago's barracks room on the night of September 6th?
Downey:
A code red was ordered by my platoon commander Lieutenant Jonathan James Kendrick, sir.
Kaffee:
Thank you. Your witness.
Capt. Ross:
Private, on the week of 2 September the switch log has you down at post 39 until 1600, is that right?
Downey:
I'm sure it is, sir, they keep that log pretty good.
Capt. Ross:
How far is it from Post 39 to the Windward barracks?
Downey:
It's a ways, sir. It's a hike.
Capt. Ross:
How far by jeep?
Downey:
Ten, fifteen minutes.
Capt. Ross:
Ever have to walk it?
Downey:
Yes, sir. That day, sir. Friday. The pick up private. That's like what we call the guy who drops us off and picks us up at our posts, also because he can get girls in New York City. Well, pick up comes driving up and, bam, a blow out right at 39 with no spare so we had to double time it back to the barracks.
Capt. Ross:
And if it's ten, fifteen minutes by jeep I'm guessing that it would have to be at least an hour by foot, is that right?
Downey:
Pick up and me did it in 45 flat.
Capt. Ross:
Not bad. Now private, you testified earlier that your assault on Santiago was the result of an order that you received in your barracks room at 1620, is that right?
Downey:
Yes, sir.
Capt. Ross:
But you just said that you didn't make it back to the Windward barracks until 1645.
Downey:
Sir?
Capt. Ross:
Well, how could you be in your barracks room at 1620 if you didn't make it back to the Windward barracks until 1645?
Downey:
Well, you see, sir, there was a blow out.
Capt. Ross:
Private, did you actually ever hear Lieutenant Kendrick order a code red?
Downey:
Well, Hal said that...
Capt. Ross:
Private, did you actually ever hear Lieutenant Kendrick order a code red?
Downey:
No, sir.
Galloway:
Your Honor, I'd like a recess to confer with my client.
[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed:
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards:
Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed:
How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards:
Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. [pause]
James Edwards:
Or do I owe her an apology? [pauses again]
James Edwards:
That's a good shot though...
Muhammad Ali:
It is befitting that I leave the game just like I came in, beating a big bad monster who knocks out everybody and no one can whup him. So when little Cassius Clay from Louisville, Kentucky, came up to stop Sonny Liston. The man who annihilated Floyd Patterson twice. HE WAS GONNA KILL ME! But he hit harder than George. His reach is longer than George's. He's a better boxer than George. And I'm better now than I was when you saw that 22-years old undeveloped kid running from Sonny Liston. I'm experienced now, professional. Jaws been broke, been knocked down a couple of times, I'm bad! Been chopping trees. I done something new for this fight. I done wrestled with an alligator. That's right. I have wrestled with an alligator. I done tussled with a whale. I done handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail. That's bad! Only last week I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick! I'm so mean I make medicine sick!
Don King:
Bad dude!
Muhammad Ali:
Bad, fast! Fast! Fast! Last night I cut the light off in my bedroom, hit the switch and was in the bed before the room was dark.
Joey:
Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey:
Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused]
Joey:
And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
