[of her mother] Do you see her anywhere? News flash: you're not gonna. Not unless you schedule an appointment, or hang around her bedroom door at 3 in the morning. In the meantime you're working for me.
Is that so?
News flash, Mussolini: I quit! [slams the door, stops to watch as it swings back into the kitchen again... ]
Swinging door. [swinging door hits Molly in the face]
You Sir, are not one of my vassals... who are you?
Who wants to know?
I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
[Roy and Helen Knable are cartoon mice]
For a mouse, you, um, look pretty sexy.
Too bad you didn't like the way I looked when I was human.
I always did.
News to me.
[to Pippin] Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.
Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts.
This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.
I have news for you, my friend. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry my dear Johanna.
Ah, sir, happy news indeed.
Strange, though, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance.
[sings] Excuse me, my lord. / May I request, my lord, / Permission, my lord, to speak? / Forgive me if I suggest, my lord, / You're looking less than your best, my lord, / There's powder upon your vest, my lord, / And stubble upon your cheek. / And ladies, my lord, are weak.
Stubble, you say? Perhaps I am a little overhasty in the morning.
[sings] Fret not though, my lord, / I know a place, my lord, / A barber, my lord, of skill. / Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord, / Some eau de cologne to brace my lord / And musk to enhance the chase, my lord, / You'll dazzle the girl until...
[sings] She bows to your every will.
They put it like that?' said Glenda, wide-eyed.
Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. 'I seriously think they think that it is their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.
That guy will have a million dollars and that photo will be all over the news in less than an hour
He deserved it with the James Bond moves he just pulled.
He deserves to have his throat cut, filthy spy.
David 'Dave' Veltri:
Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those two, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.
[answering professor] Gossip and news *are* the same thing, they've always been the same thing. People tell stories, that's what makes us human.
Come on Webb, connect the dots. Be clear...
People pass a bunch of stories around in a tribe and finally someone writes 'em down, and you have religion.
Guys, we got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, you'll be completely un-paralyzed in about two minutes.
The bad news is, that only leaves you five seconds to defuse the bombs.
Hudson Hawk, Tommy Five-Tone:
"Bombs"? [Snickers fires a time bomb at the wall, it starts counting down from 2:05. He and Almond Joy laugh]
I'm so glad it had to end like this. I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure...
[Ruth is the on phone after seeing a news report about her]
You wanna send a message? I ain't no fucking telegram, bitch! [pause]
Nothing's wrong! I'm fine now. You think I'm a fool. You're the fool, cause guess what? This is a war and Diane's a spy. How bout that? [pause]
Now you're catching on! [pause]
Oh yeah! Well you're a cunt!
Larry The Cable Guy:
This doctor says to this feller, "i got bad news and worse news." He says, "ohhh, whats the bad news?" the doctor says, "you've got 24 hours left to live." Then he says, "whats the worse news?" the doctor says, "i forgot to call you yesterday."
Alright, so you're sure that they're good?
Positive. On a road trip? It's gonna be two or three weeks until anyone notices.
Oh yeah. I took one for a test drive.
Quit acting up, okay? I don't want their faces to be showing up on the ten o'clock news like last time. This could stain us for a while.
Alright. Let's get to work.
Herself - Panelist: Good evening, I'm Fox News anchor and bondage and discipline enthusiast Patti Ann Browne. On last week's Red Eye, I prefaced an awesome point I was making by saying, "you down with PAB?" At which point Greg Gutfeld replied, "yeah, you know me." Well, first of all, I'll tell you who's down with PAB: every last homie. Secondly, the question was rhetorical, and Fox News regrets the fact that Red Eye's host had shit for brains.