Warden Samuel Norton: I have to say that's the most amazing story I've ever heard. What amazes me most is that you were taken in by it. Andy Dufresne: Sir? Warden Samuel Norton: It's obvious this fellow Williams is impressed with you, he hears your tale of woe and naturally wants to cheer you up. He's young, not terribly bright, it's not surprising he wouldn't know what a state he put you in. Andy Dufresne: Sir, he's telling the truth. Warden Samuel Norton: Let's say for the moment this Blatch does exist. You think he'd just fall to his knees and cry: "Yes, I did it, I confess! Oh, and by the way, add a life term to my sentence." Andy Dufresne: You know that wouldn't matter. With Tommy's testimony I can get a new trial. Warden Samuel Norton: That's assuming Blatch is still there. Chances are excellent he'd be released by now. Andy Dufresne: Well they'd have his last known address, names of relatives. It's a *chance*, isn't it. [Norton shakes his head] Andy Dufresne: How can you be so obtuse? Warden Samuel Norton: What? What did you call me? Andy Dufresne: Obtuse. Is it deliberate? Warden Samuel Norton: Son, you're forgetting yourself. Andy Dufresne: The country club will have his old time cards. Records, W-2s with his name on them. Sir, if I ever get out, I'd never mention what happens here. I'd be just as indictable as you for laundering that money. [Norton slaps the table] Warden Samuel Norton: Don't you ever mention money to me again, you sorry son of a bitch! Not in this office, not anywhere!
Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'... Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag. Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what? Teen #1: What the hell are you singing? Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time. Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie? [Silent Bob points to the two teens] Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain. Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
Announcer: Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program...”Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry! [music cues build dramatically] Announcer: Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play...”Twenty-One!" [lively theme music plays] Announcer: And here's your host... Jack Barry! [the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium] Jack Barry: [looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks. [as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced] Stempel's opponent: You nervous? Herbie Stemple: [chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money. Jack Barry: Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please? [a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand] Jack Barry: Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One." [a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]
Brad: You wouldn't have these problems if you would just follow my rules: 100. Friends don't let friends fuck ugly people 99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong 98. Fat girls give the best head because they're always hungry 97. Cologne: overrated... Deodorant: a must 96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they're having more fun 95. After puberty, that's not "baby fat" 94. ATM = the Holy Grail 93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow 92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly 91. BBBJ or why bother? 90. Women cannot parallel park 89. If you wanna fuck it, you've got to be willing to lick it. 88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs - in that order 87. If it's not dirty, you're doing something wrong 86. If a friend's apartment is running low on toilet paper, you're required to use it all 85. Cheerleaders are overrated 84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella 83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her 82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night 81. Dogs are better than cats... period 80. Bigger is never better when they're fake 79. Don't leave the house until you're camera ready 78. A period does not equal a week off from sex 77. Mustaches and hunting = gay 76. Sucking your best friend's dick = priceless 75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the morning 74. If her mom isn't a MILF, chances are she won't be one either 73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they're not yours 72. The G-spot does not exist 71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women 70. Persistence gets you laid 69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk 68. No panties = a good night 67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night 66. Tongue piercing = God loves you! 65. Saliva isn't always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply 64. White cotton panties and knee socks. Enough said! 63. Never lend money to friends 62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone 61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down 60. Elvis is not dead 59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone 58. What's good for you usually won't taste better. Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind 57. People who don't use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences 56. Never let a girl shave your balls 55. Porn saves lives 54. Republicans are better at... well... nothing 53. If you've never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you've never had pizza. There is no pizza in New York or Chicago. Don't argue, you'll just sound foolish 52. Old country = cool Alt-country = really cool New country = sucks 51. Condition your hair once a day 50. Masturbate twice a day 49. Eat three square meals every day 48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they're going to play for the other team 47. Crying is blackmail 46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet... or yourself 45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given 44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them 43. There's no such thing as "giving 110%" 42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters 41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex 40. Body hair just gets in the way 39. Rip bread, don't slice it 38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can 37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion 36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses. 35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it 34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime 33. If your pubic hair is blonde or red, shaving is optional 32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs 31. If they don't answer, it means yes 30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity 29. Sex is better in warmer climates 28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks 27. Never trust people who don't drink coffee 26. Springsteen really is The Boss 25. If there's a problem, talk it out 24. If you can't talk it out: fuck, then try again 23. Never lease what you can buy 22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it 21. Never say "no" to a green-eyed girl 20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible 19. Don't lie, you will get caught 18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier 17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit 16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions 15. Pussy farts are charming 14. Only wear a bra if you're going to offend me 13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder 12. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye 11. Never underestimate the power of stupid peoplein large groups 10. When in doubt, mumble 9. Masturbation is overrated 8. Small boobs are misunderstood 7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared 6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy 5. If you can't convince them, confuse them 4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad 3. Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule 2. Never overthink... And the most important rule of all: Friends don't fuck.
Nino Brown: You cut a side deal with that motherfucker. [G-Money opens his mouth, but Nino interrupts him] Nino Brown: Yes, you did. Yes, you did, Gee. Fucking Cain. My brother's keeper. Was it this... [takes crack pipe from him] Nino Brown: ... glass dick you've been sucking on? Was that it? Now I see how you let that motherfucker infiltrate. He used you, Gee. What ever happened to, "Am I my brother's keeper?" G-Money: [Sullenly] You know what happened to it. "The world is mine." Remember that? "Everything is mine. Everything!" Even my woman. Nino Brown: Is that what this is about? [about Uniqua] Nino Brown: That fucking skeezer? You think I give a fuck about her? Fuck that ho bitch! I don't give a fuck about her! G-Money: It ain't about her! It's about us. I love you, man. [Nino turns his back on G-Money, making him angrier and angrier] G-Money: You embarrassed me, man! In front of all them people, you treated me like I was soft. You treated me like I was spineless! We built this shit! You didn't do this shit by yourself! You forgot about me, man, your brother. Nino Brown: What has this done to us? Keisha... dead. The Duh Duh Man... dead. G-Money: Let's just make it like it was. Let's be a family. Let's make it like it was. Fuck them cars and them bitches and all that shit. Fuck that shit! Let's do us, me and you. Let's be a family again. [Nino, in tears, hugs G-Money] Nino Brown: I'm on the run. It can never go back the way it was. [Nino kisses G-Money on the cheek] Nino Brown: But I'll tell you how we can make it right. [Nino shoves G-Money away and pulls out his gun; G-Money falls to his knees] G-Money: CMB. CMB! We all we got! [Nino grips his wrist in order to steady the gun he is holding] G-Money: Am I my brother's keeper. Nino Brown: [Grits his teeth] Yes I am! [Nino shoots G-Money dead and for a brief moment turns the gun towards his own head, but stops himself]
Calvin: I just made enough money to bake biscuits for the projects.
Jean Dominique: Clearly our silence and restraint irritated Dany Toussaint, and perhaps his masters. The mistake of Dany Toussaint was to think that a bit of terrorism on the part of street thugs would give access to our microphone. If they keep trying to use these screamers in front of Radio Haiti Inter to shut down the Delmas Road, he will break his teeth! The microphone of Radio Haiti will stay closed to him! Yeah I know that he has weapons! And that he has money to pay and arm his henchmen. Here I have no weapons other than my journalism, my microphone and my unquenchable faith as a militant for true change! If Dany Toussaint tries anything else against me or the radio and I am still alive, I will close the place down after I have denounced his maneuvers once more, and I will return to exile with my family. I close with Shakespeare: 'The truth will always make the devil's face blush!'
Craig Jones: About a year ago, my pops quit his dog-catching job and went into business with my uncle Elroy. They ran this spot called Brothers Barbecue. Taste so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama. You might have seen the commercial. Uncle Elroy: Ya'll tired of eatin' that barbecue from up the street? Where they give you more sauce than they give you meat? Then bring your big ass down to Bros. Barbecue, 15837 South Crenshaw Boulevard, that's right off Manchester. Bros. Barbecue, tastes so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama! Don't it, Willie? Mr. Jones: Yeah, boy! Hey, mama? Grandma Jones: What the hell you want, Willie? [Willie slaps her] Uncle Elroy: Ain't but one location, so it's nearest you. Craig Jones: You might have missed it. They only had enough money for a 15-second spot. Well, my pops hooked us up with a job as Christmas help security.
[Jason Bourne meets Marie for the first time, when she is about to get into her car. She is suspicious of him] Marie: What are you looking at? Jason Bourne: I heard you inside. Marie: What? Jason Bourne: The consulate. I heard you talking? I thought maybe we could help each other. Marie: How's that? Jason Bourne: You need money. I need a ride outta here. Marie: I'm not running a car service just now, thank you. Jason Bourne: I'll give you ten thousand dollars for driving me to Paris. Marie: [She says in German] What, do you think I am, a fool? Jason Bourne: [He replies in German] You'd be a fool not to take it. [He holds up a packet of dollar bills] Marie: What is this, a joke? Some kind of scam? Jason Bourne: No, it's no scam. [He tosses her the packet of bills] Jason Bourne: And I'll give you another ten when we get there. Marie: Jesus. [while she leafs through the bills, a police car with siren wailing passes them, and he quickly turns away] Marie: Is that for you? Jason Bourne: Look. You drive, I pay, it's that simple. Marie: Scheisse. I got enough trouble, okay? Jason Bourne: Okay. Can I have my money back? [She looks down at the wad of bills again. A moment later, he is in the passenger seat while she drives]
Patrick Kenzie: Cheese, if you ever disrespect her again like that, I'm gonna pull your fuckin' card, okay? So you're saying you didn't do it, fine. We'll take your money, and we'll be on our way. When it turns out you're lying, I'm gonna spend every nickel of that money to fuck you up. I'm gonna bribe cops to go after you, I'm gonna pay guys to go after your weak fuckin' crew, and I'm gonna tell all the guys I know that you're a C.I. and a rat, and I know a lot of people. And after that, you're gonna wish you listened to me, 'cause your shitty pool hall crime syndicate headquarters is gonna get raided, and your doped-up bitches are gonna get sent back to Laos, and this fuckin' retard right here is gonna be testifying against you for a reduced sentence, while you're gettin' cornholed in your cell by a gang of crackers. 'Cause from what I've heard, the guys that get sent up Concord for killing kids, life's a motherfucker. Cheese: [points gun at Kenzie] You come 'round here again, and I'm gonna get discourteous on your ass.
Dallas: Just get the fucking coffee and let's go. Billy Hill: This ain't exactly Brazil. I coulda pissed you a fuckin' cup by now. Nick: [to Cashier] HEY? You're out of Chocolate Mac! Cashier: Sorry. No Chocolate Macadamia. You will please have something else? Nick: [filling cup] Fuckin' Hazelnut... Cashier: [ringing up cash register] That will be one dollar and eight cents. Nick: The sign says "All coffee: 69 cents." Cashier: I am very sorry, but that is a 44-ounce cup and the largest coffee cup is 20 ounces. Therefore, I must charge you 99 cents, plus tax, the price of a large fountain drink. Nick: That's bullshit! That sign says "Coffee: all sizes", not "all sizes up to 20 ounces." Cashier: I'm humbly sorry, but you must pay 99 cents, plus tax, for that cup. Dallas: Just pay the bitch the dollar-eight and let's get the FUCK outta here! Nick: Fine, but it's bullshit. Just get me my fuckin' snackie cake. Cashier: I'm sorry. I cannot do that. That is *only* available with the 20-ounce coffee. That is not a 20-ounce coffee. Billy Hill: This bitch is gettin' on my nerves, man. Forget it! Dallas: Just give him the fuckin' danish. Nick: That sign says, "Free snackie cake." I paid a dollar and eight cents for my coffee. I want my free snackie cake! Cashier: I *cannot* do that. Dallas: [puts snackie cake on the counter] Here. Hmmm? Take it! Nick: That's apple cinnamon! I wanted cream cheese. Billy Hill: For fuck's sake, pay her the money and let's go. Nick: [scoffs] Fine! Either of you got something smaller than a Ben? Cashier: [Billy opens his case and hands Nick a $50] I'm sorry. I cannot accept any moneys over a $20 bill. Billy Hill: [frustrated] That's it... Cashier: I should not sell it to you anyway, as that cup is very hot and might burn you. You are very strange. I'm going to call the police. Dallas: Fuck this. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!... BLAM!
Fred Claus: You're gonna get hooked on that thing. I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later, you'll wake up, you're thirty-five, you're overweight, you're crying about your life in front of the soaps. I just did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends, play kick the can, do some athletic stuff, go to school, you're comfortable enough to play sports, you get a partial scholarship, you got any ethnic in your background, any ethnicity in your background? I bet you do. It's America, you know what I mean? Find out what it is and put that down on the application for college. Now all the sudden you get a little extra money on the side, Uncle Sam's none the wiser for it. You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle with it or something. Be a lady. Maybe meet a guy while you're at school. And then you'll get pregnant with child, it works out with the guy, it doesn't work out with the guy, who cares? You're blessed to have that kid in your life. You're going to be athletic, you're going to be a moderate to lukewarm student, and you're gonna have a child before you graduate college. And who are you going to have to thank for all that? Not the big guy in the red suit, but your pal Fred. Girl with Plasma TV: Ugh! Fred Claus: Sometimes it hurts to grow.
Bob Collier: Seen all your stuff downstairs. Jeremy Collier: I want Karen to take me to the bus station. Bob Collier: Alright, fine. [pulls money out of his pocket] Bob Collier: I got twenty-one hundred dollars here for you; it's all the cash I had at the office. It's not a fortune, but it'll get you where you want to go, and help you get started if you're careful with it. Bob Collier: [pauses] And look, don't think that I'm kicking you out of the house, see. I think you should leave for for your own good, I think it's the right thing to do, and it's my responsibility as a father. Once you're away from here, and had time to think about, I think you'll agree. Jeremy Collier: I don't want it. Bob Collier: Well I want you to have it. Jeremy Collier: No you don't. You want me to take it, so you won't feel guilty, so you won't feel responsible. Bob Collier: [sighs] It's funny how I can be so wrong. I honestly thought you were gonna say 'thank you'. Jeremy Collier: Thank you? That's what you thought I'd say? No. You just want everyone to think you did the right thing. Bob Collier: I'm not doing this on what anybody might think. [puts the money down] Bob Collier: I'll have Karen drive you wherever you want to go. [starts to close the door] Bob Collier: I hope you'll think better of me someday.
Creasy: Do you know what this is? It’s a charger used by convicts to hide money and drugs they tuck it up their rectum. This is pencil detonator, timer, used as a receiver from the pager. This is C4 highly explosive; you put it all together you've got a bomb, not very sophisticated, but very powerful. [whispers in his ear] Creasy: That's what you have in your ass right now. Don't move! Don't move!
Chris Berman: From Champs to chumps. Just six months ago, The Texas State Fighting Armadillos were billed as the greatest college football team in history, and now, they are history. Yesterday, the commision slapped Texas State with a staggering list of infractions including recruiting violations, steroid abuse, illegal payments to players and , of course, grade tampering. To where these guys are going, their yearbook photos will be used as mugshots. Joining us tonight is our guest commentator, the legendary Ed "Straight Arrow" Gennero, the man who once threw five All-Americans off his football team for taking money from boosters, but still won the Cotton Bowl. Thanks for joining us tonight, coach. Coach Gennero: Good to be here, Chris. Chris Berman: Coach, what's the latest on the Armadillos? Coach Gennero: Well, Chris, the penalty handed down to Texas State will set an example for the future of College Football. Chris Berman: What happened to the players? Coach Gennero: All the players from the old team have been expelled and all the coaches have been fired. Chris Berman: Where will they get their new players? Coach Gennero: Their new players must be real students. No more scholarships, no more monkey business, no more special favors or else no more football.
Hank the Bartender: [Hands them their drinks] The doctor's in. Help is on its way. K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe? Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?" K.C.: You seem down. Joe Gavilan: Down? Me? K.C.: Lately. Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink? K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying. Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down." K.C.: Sounds good. Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles. K.C.: So what's the problem? Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.
Dick Goodwin: Hey, you don't have to be a genius to connect the dots. Charles Van Doren: Well, don't connect them through me. Dick Goodwin: Hey, don't treat me like some member of your goddamn fan club. Are you telling me everybody got the answers but you? Charles Van Doren: You're so persistent, Dick. You know, I really envy that. Dick Goodwin: Was it just the money, Charlie? Charles Van Doren: You'll forgive me, but anyone who thinks money is ever "just money" couldn't have much of it. Dick Goodwin: Charlie, you wanna insult me, fine, but you can't envy me at the same time.
Cosmo: Pollution. Crime. Drugs, poverty, disease, hunger, despair - we throw GOBS of money at them and problems only get worse. Why is that? Because money's most powerful ability is to allow bad people to continue doing bad things at the expense of those who don't have it. Martin Bishop: I agree. Now who did you say you were working for? Cosmo: Oh, that's just my day job.
[seeking approval for the calendar at the National WI Conference] Chris: I'm about to commit heresy. Look, I hate plum jam. [laughter] Chris: I only joined the WI to make my mother happy. I do, I hate plum jam. I'm crap at cakes, I can't make sponge. In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually come to Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in "ER", there seems very little reason for me to actually stay in the WI. Except suddenly... suddenly I want to raise money in memory of a man I loved, and to do that I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a WI calendar, and if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, well then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval. Because there are some things that are more important than council approval. And if it means that we get closer to killing off this shitty, cheating, sly, conniving bloody disease that cancer is, oh God, I tell you, I'd run round Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted tea cosy on me head and singing "Jerusalem". [laughter]
Becky Sharp: I'm afraid I will have to charge you rather a lot. My horses are all I own in the world, you know. Joss Sedley: Money is no object to me, ma'am. Becky Sharp: That's good. Six hundred pounds. [Jos is taken aback, but promptly reaches for his pocketbook.] Becky Sharp: Each.
Dominic Greene: you should know something about me and the people i work with. We deal with the left and the right, dictators or liberators. If the current president had been more agreeable, I wouldn't be talking to you. So if you decide not to sign, you'll wake up with your balls in your mouth and your willing replacement standing over you... if you doubt that, then shoot me, take that money and have a good night's sleep.
Preston's Mother: [Preston's parents are just heading out for the weekend] Now Preston, I left some money on the kitchen counter. Oh and the emergency numbers are by the phone. Preston's Father: And remember son, *no parties*. Keg Guy: [Two guys walk by carring a beer keg] Keg commin' through! Hey Preston. Preston: Whats up, man? Preston's Father: We're really trusting you here, Preston. Roadie: [Behind them two more guys roll in a huge set of speakers] Where to you want these speakers set up, Preston? Preston: Yeah, just move all the shit in the dinning room. [to his parents] Preston: Well, you guys really should hit the road, huh? Because I'm about to take your antique Ferrari to the inner-city to buy some hookers. Preston's Mother: Well, alright, sweetie. We'll call you later to check in. Preston: Oh, mom. By that point I'll be so high I won't even know where the phone is. Preston's Mother: Haha! Thats my boy.
[first lines] Shirley Lyner: Shirley Lyner. I'm a junior at Alfred E. Groves high school. This is my babysitting service. The answer is no: mom doesn't drink, dad didn't hit me, Uncle Steve never showed me his privates. I don't even have an Uncle Steve. The money is nice, and paid fellatio isn't that much more humiliating than flipping burgers. But that's not why I do it.
Dick Goodwin: You know, money isn't everything. Sandra Goodwin: I'm not the one who came home with a Chrysler catalogue.
Nun: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"? Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you." Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat] [quietly] Bartleby: Oh, geez... Nun: The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I... Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? [the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves] Loki: That-a girl. Ah. [he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face] Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Jim Braddock: You think you're telling me something? Like, what, boxing is dangerous, something like that? You don't think working triple shifts and at night on a scaffold isn't just as likely to get a man killed? What about all those guys who died last week living in cardboard shacks to save on rent money just to feed their family, 'cause guys like you have not quite figured out a way yet to make money off of watching that guy die? But in my profession - and it is my profession - I'm a little more fortunate.
Money Mike: [while holding Damon's balls with a vice grips] Are you a music lover, Damon? Damon: Y... yes Money Mike: Well, have you ever heard of the nutcracker? [squeezes Damon's balls with the vice grips]
Ricky Slade: [at Chuck E. Cheese's for Chloe's birthday party when all of the kids have run off and Chuck E. Cheese has come by the table] Ah, there you are. Where were ya five minutes ago, buddy, when the kids were goin' crazy? Huh? Now ya show up? Ok, mousey, I'm tryin' to do a little business here. [pulls out money and hands it to the mouse] Ricky Slade: Go run around the parking lot or something. Will ya?
Peter Klaven: I think we should spend some time apart. Sydney Fife: Okay. Peter Klaven: So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there. Sydney Fife: Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete. Peter Klaven: And if you could have those billboards taken down... Sydney Fife: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible. Peter Klaven: Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVD's. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet its no... Sydney Fife: [Grabs DVD] It's fine, Pete. They're right here. [Throws DVD] Peter Klaven: [Catches] Thanks. Peter Klaven: Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch. Sydney Fife: Yep. Sydney Fife: [Shakes hand] I wish you the very best of luck, Peter. Peter Klaven: You too, Sydney. Peter Klaven: [to Anwar] Bye, Anwar. Anwar Sadat: [Snarls]
Josh: You... Why? The Dutch Businessman: I always wanted to be a surgeon. But the boards would not pass me. Can you guess why? You see? So I went into business. But business is so boring. You buy things you sell them, you make money you spend money. What kind of life is that? A surgeon, he holds the very essence of life in his hands - your life. He touches it. The Dutch Businessman: He touches it. He has a relationship with it. He is part of it. Josh: Please just let me go, please... The Dutch Businessman: You want to go? Is that what you want?
Plainview: [Daniel has covered his face with a napkin] So Standard offered us a million dollars for the Little Boston leases, and I told H. M. Tilford where he could shove that, and we made a deal with Union! On the pipeline! And that whole ocean of oil underneath our fields! H.M. Tilford: [to his tablemates] ... 150,000 dollars... Man: We needed the money to drill. Man: I go out to meet him. He's getting oil on the property. We're trying to make a claim on it. Offered him a million dollars. Turned us down flat. Plainview: [growing frustrated] All right. [stands up, walks over and leans in to Tilford's face] Plainview: I want you to look over there. [points towards H.W] H.M. Tilford: Daniel, let me introduce you... Plainview: Look over there, you see. That's my son. You see him? You SEE? H.M. Tilford: I see him. Plainview: You don't tell me how to raise my family. I told you not to tell me how to raise my family. So, what do you see? H.M. Tilford: I'm very happy for you that... Plainview: Yes, I've made a deal with Union and my son is happy and safe. H.M. Tilford: Congratulations. Excellent... Plainview: I'm taking care of him now, so... You look like a fool, don't you Tilford? H.M. Tilford: [long pause] Yes. Plainview: Y-y-y-yes, you do. H.M. Tilford: [embarrassed] Excuse me gentlemen... Plainview: Oh, excuse me gentlemen. Excuse him, gentlemen. [to Tilford] Plainview: I told you what I was gonna do. [drinks Tilford's whiskey]
Henry: I'm waiting for a client. Preston Waters: But I'm your client. Henry: Right, yeah, and I'm Madonna. Sorry, Kid, the boss doesn't like me taking baseball cards as payment so if you wanna ride in this here limo you need some buckeroos, buckerinis, some moolah, some deniro, some frog skins, much similar to the money... In fact identical to the money you've given me now. I was just kidding about being Madonna. The name's Henry.
Robert Spritzel: [Robert Spritz drives up] Weatherman! [Dave prepares to be hit with food] Dave Spritz: [Dave gets in his father's car] Hey. Robert Spritzel: Hi. Dave Spritz: Are you all right? Robert Spritzel: Yeah. Umm, I just wanted you to... Dave Spritz: What? [Robert Spritz begins playing Bob Seger's "Like a Rock"] Robert Spritzel: I don't really get it. Am I following it? Dave Spritz: It was just a lead up to other things I wanted to say. Here's the part. ["... And I held firm to what I felt was right like a rock...”] Dave Spritz: I wanted to talk about that part... about you. That's like you. [pauses] Dave Spritz: I got the job. Robert Spritzel: New York? [Dave Spritz nods his head yes] Robert Spritzel: That's terrific. That's a remarkable income. That's more money than I ever made, that salary. Dave Spritz: Yeah. Robert Spritzel: That's quite an American accomplishment. Dave Spritz: Thanks. Robert Spritzel: Are you okay? Dave Spritz: I can't knuckle down. Noreen's marrying Russ. Dave Spritz: There's nothing to knuckle down on, so... I can't fucking knuckle down. Robert Spritzel: Your hand... Dave Spritz: I just saw Mike's counselor. Robert Spritzel: Mike mentioned that you were gonna fix this business up. He's in no trouble? [Dave shakes his head no] Robert Spritzel: Good job. Your hand okay? Dave Spritz: It's okay. Robert Spritzel: You certain? Dave Spritz: Don't worry.
David: [while playing pool] I guess there's limits to what money can buy. John: Not many. Diana: Well some things aren't for sale. John: Such as? Diana: Well you can't buy people. John: That's naive, Diana. I buy people every day. Diana: In business, maybe, but you can't buy people not when real emotions are involved. John: So you're saying you can't buy love? That's a bit of a cliché don't you think? Diana: It's absolutely true. John: Is it? What do you think? David: I agree with Diana. John: You do? Well let's test the cliché. Suppose... I were to offer you one million dollars for one night with your wife. David: I'd assume you're kidding. John: Let's pretend I'm not. What would you say? Diana: He'd tell you to go to hell. John: I didn't hear him. David: I'd tell you to go to hell. John: That's a reflex answer because you view the question as hypothetical. But let's say that there was real money backing it up. I'm not kidding. A million dollars. The night would come and go but the money could last a lifetime. Think of it. A million dollars. A lifetime of security... for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it; seriously? David: We're positive, okay? John: Well then you've proved your point. There are limits to what money can buy. It's late, and I hate to admit it, but I have meetings in the morning. May I have one dance? With your permission. David: You know something? I think you better hurry on to that meeting. You don't want to miss out on your next billion. John: Understood. I wouldn't part with her either. Good night.
Klopfer: And how is it you speak Hebrew? Or is it only Yiddish you speak? Adolf Eichmann: Well, I lived among them, I worked among them, and I picked up a few words; Jewish, Yiddish, not enough to speak. So I went in search of a rabbi - rabbi means "teacher", I came to find out - Look, may I tell you the Lord's honest truth? So many of our highest-ranking officers, whose responsibility it is to deal with the Israelites, they make no attempt to get inside the Jewish head - I went to visit this rabbi - old man, long beard - in his one-room flat. And when he saw me, his eyes grew as large as hen's eggs. I asked him to teach me his language, and he agreed, and he said that he would, but that he would charge me - of course. So, I applied to my commander for funds, and I was denied; now, I've run into this opposition all my life, so I paid my own money - very little, not much. And he taught me some vocabulary, letters of the alphabet. But looking back, I realize it was poor judgment on my part, because I could have so easily had the old man arrested - put into prison - and demanded lessons from him, in his cell, free of charge. One day, he was rounded up and shipped off because he had gone out unadvisedly. And I thought "That's so stupid... why are they so stupid?" Didn't he know that I would have protected him? At least until my lessons were complete.
The Doctor: Now, if we sold one warhead on the black market, I could continue my research. Destro: [Interrupts] I appreciate your thirst for knowledge, Doctor, but this world is messy enough. No. What it needs is unification, leadership. It has to be taken out of chaos by someone with complete control. Beijing, Moscow, Washington... When these missiles detonate, the world will turn to the most powerful man on the planet. When I'm finished, the money will take care of itself. You'll be able to do all the research you want.
Randy: Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop. Bullied Kid: I don't have any, Randy. Randy: C'mon, I'll pay you back. Bullied Kid: I don't have ... [Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it] Randy: I'll do this to you... Bullied Kid: Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't! Ow. Here, here. [Randy grabs the money and walks away] Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon, who's been watching, walks up to the kid] How's your neck? Bullied Kid: Stings. Napoleon Dynamite: That's too bad. [Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain] Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection. [Cut to next scene - the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up] Randy: Hey, let me borrow your bike. Bullied Kid: No. Randy: C'mon, I'll give you some chips. Bullied Kid: No! [They continue to struggle over the bike] Cholo No. 1, Cholo #2: [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has "Vote 4 Pedro" painted on the door. The driver shakes his head 'no' with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles]
Gawain MacSam: Motherfuck! Professor G.H. Dorr: Yes. Unfortunately, Mrs. Munson has rather complicated the situation. Gawain MacSam: Yeah, well, I know how to decomplicate it. You bust a cap in that old bitch's head, everything be simple. Professor G.H. Dorr: Not easy to do. Many reasons. Practical ones. Quiet neighborhood, sleepy town. Reasons of moral repugnance. A harmless woman, a deed conceived and executed in cold blood. Oh, no, Gawain, would that it were simple. Gawain MacSam: Well, fuck, man! What we gonna do? Give the money back and go to church? Professor G.H. Dorr: I shudder. I quake. You, sir, are a Buddhist. Is there not a "middle" way? The General: Mm. Must float like a leaf on the river of life... and kill old lady.
[Fred Waters is determining how much to fill in the blank check Preston got from Grandma] Sandra Waters: How much money did you get last year? Preston Waters: A thousand. Fred Waters: Ten dollars! Preston Waters: Wait, Dad, what about inflation? Fred Waters: Okay, I'll make it eleven.
Carson Wells: Call me when you've had enough. I can even let you keep a little of the money. Llewelyn Moss: If I was cuttin' deals, why wouldn't I go deal with this guy Chigurh? Carson Wells: No no. No. You don't understand. You can't make a deal with him. Even if you gave him the money he'd still kill you. He's a peculiar man. You could even say that he has principles. Principles that transcend money or drugs or anything like that. He's not like you. He's not even like me. Llewelyn Moss: He don't talk as much as you, I give him points for that.
T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it? Deuce Bigalow: Where? T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it? Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring? T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.
Nice Guy Eddie: C'mon, throw in a buck! Mr. Pink: Uh-uh, I don't tip. Nice Guy Eddie: You don't tip? Mr. Pink: Nah, I don't believe in it. Nice Guy Eddie: You don't believe in tipping? Mr. Blue: You know what these chicks make? They make shit. Mr. Pink: Don't give me that. She don't make enough money that she can quit. Nice Guy Eddie: I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me get this straight: you don't ever tip? Mr. Pink: I don't tip because society says I have to. All right, if someone deserves a tip, if they really put forth an effort, I'll give them something a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, it's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doing their job. Mr. Blue: Hey, our girl was nice. Mr. Pink: She was okay. She wasn't anything special. Mr. Blue: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick? Nice Guy Eddie: I'd go over twelve percent for that.
Harry: [Robin wants to give the money to the poor] Give it away? All of it? You must be crazy!
Earlie Cuyler: Rusty, you've got to keep the beat. What did I teach you about perseverance young man? Rusty: That if at first you don't succeed, it wasn't meant to be. It's just a waste of time 'cause the unions just gonna take your money anyway, 'cause they jealous that we got an extra bone in our body that makes us smarter, but don't nobody in science care to acknowledge that, and you were an unwanted pregnancy, and you ruined my dirtbikin career, and get outta my sight you disgust me! You talking bout that one daddy? Earlie Cuyler: [sniffles] And a son has done been imparted with the knowledge of a father.
Estelle Twisp: I need that child support money to eat. Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Shouldn't you need that child support money to support your child?
Eleanor Zissou: Oh, Shit. What do you want? Steve Zissou: Do you mind if I butter you up a little before I answer that question? Eleanor Zissou: Yes, I do. Tell me now. Steve Zissou: [takes a deep breath] I need some money to get the boat out of hock and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped. Could we ask your parents to loan it to me? Eleanor Zissou: No. Steve Zissou: Okay. Could I go ahead and butter you up anyway? It took me two and a half hours to get out here.
[at the meeting with the PG & E lawyers] Ms. Sanchez: Let's be honest here. $20 million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of. Erin Brockovich: Oh see, now that pisses me off. First of all, since the demur we have more than 400 plaintiffs and... let's be honest, we all know there are more out there. They may not be the most sophisticated people but they do know how to divide and $20 million isn't *shit* when you split it between them. Second of all, these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying that they'll have to have a hysterectomy at the age of *twenty*. Like Rosa Diaz, a client of ours. Or have their spine deteriorate, like Stan Blume, *another* client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Walker. Or what you might expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Ms. Sanchez. Then you take out your calculator and you multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. [Ms. Sanchez picks up a glass of water] Erin Brockovich: By the way, we had that water brought in specially for you folks. Came from a well in Hinkley. Ms. Sanchez: [Puts down the glass, without drinking] I think this meeting is over. Ed Masry: Damn right it is.
Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make. Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister? Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins. Chon Wang: No? Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them. Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them. Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister. Chon Wang: You wrote those lies? Roy: I've always had low self-esteem. Chon Wang: How many books did you print? Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.
Nigel 'The Leg' Gruff: Hey Shane Falco. I lost a ton of money on that Sugar Bowl disaster of yours. What a bloody shambles that was. You could smell the stink all the way back in bloody Wales. Shane Falco: Nice meeting you.
FBI Team Leader: It's an interesting setup, Mr. Ross. It is the oldest confidence game on the books. The Spanish Prisoner. Fellow says him and his sister, wealthy refugees, left a fortune in the home country. He got out, girl and the money stuck in Spain. Here is her most beautiful portrait. And he needs money to get her and the fortune out. Man who supplies the money gets the fortune and the girl. Oldest con in the world.
Sophia: I like a man who can dance. I like a man who is spontaneious. Lance Valenteen: Let's go to Paris, right now! Sophia: I like a man who is romantic. Lance Valenteen: Should I compare you to a summer day? Nooo, you are more lovely. Sophia: I like man who dares. Lance Valenteen: You're falling in love with me, aren't you? Sophia: And I like a man who is funny. Lance Valenteen: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rinocerus? Elfiner. Sophia: I like a man who sacrifices making a lot of money to persue his dream, a dream which he can reach it and one which he cannot wait to share it with me... and I like a man who is in touch with the child that lives inside and he likes to play childish games and he's not embarrased to play them with me... and i like a man who is willing to take a little faith and i can see his faith in us everytime he looks at me and i can feel it in his touch everytime he careses me. But, most of all, I like a man who knows how to quit when he is ahead.
Kenny Red: They think I could of did a whole bunch of intelligent things with my brain other than try to send these bitches but this is what I chose to do. This is what I'm doing. I had it hard and I hasn't able to go to college and things like that but I will be. It takes time, it takes motivation, it takes willpower, it takes brains, it takes knowhow. Ya, understand and my brain could be used for lots of things. Until I get the money to do these things I'm not gonna stand in your McDonalds. Ya know, I mean I'm not gonna sweep up your floors and wipe down you toilets. Ya know what I mean, for nothin'. Fuck you.
Jack Ryan: I want to know where Sean Miller and Kevin O'Donnell are. Paddy O'Neil: [scoffs] Let me try and understand this. You want me to sell out my fellow lrishmen to you? I don't think you understand me at all. Jack Ryan: Oh, l think l do. Paddy O'Neil: Listen! l don't give a damn what they've done. But the day l sell out my own people is the day l'll put a bullet through my head. Jack Ryan: So, that's it then? Paddy O'Neil: That's it. You know on second thought maybe I won't have a drink with you Jack Ryan: Fine. I'll go home. Paddy O'Neil: Have a nice trip. Jack Ryan: I'll go home and call all the news stations! Invite them into my daughter's hospital ward. Give them what they want! Jack Ryan: [Gets in O'Neil's face] I don't give a shit whether you did it or not. But if you don't help me, I will put such a stranglehold on your gun money that your boys will be out in the streets throwing rocks! I will *fucking* destroy you! I will make it my mission in life!
Mr. Chang: Ah, Mr Bond, a little thank you from us. [Hands a box to Bond] James Bond: [Bond finds money and a ticket to Cuba in the box] Cuba. Mr. Chang: It seems Mr. Zao has lost himself in Havana. If you find him, say goodbye from us. James Bond: With pleasure.
Ben: You shouldn't get so worked up over a couple of dollars. Ally: I had water and a slice of pizza. I shouldn't have to pay fifteen dollars! It's always the people who have the most money who somehow don't notice they regularly order more than anyone else, and don't end up paying for it. Ben: You go to movies all the time and then you complain about spending money on eating? Ally: That's my work. Food is not my priority.
Gall: There were no early crops. Now there will be no late crops. Does it seem to you that our coffee rations are smaller? Sitting Bull: Why do you tell lies about my part in the fight at the Little Bighorn? Gall: It was Agent McLaughlin. You angered him. He made me say these things against you. Sitting Bull: How can this be? All our lives, we were like brothers, sharing meat when we had it. When we had no meat, and when food was but a day's ride to an agency, we could not be made to take from the whites! Gall: I will go and speak straight and set things right. Sitting Bull: These words cannot be put back. I have said all I have to say. Gall: My brother, listen to me. Many would have taken from the whites for all those years, but they did not because you did not. I did not because you did not. Before you came, I was Big Man here. But now you've come and you do nothing. You sit and tell stories while I work my fields. You go with Cody, you write your name on a piece of paper and you take money - money that I must sweat for. I do not understand why you feel so honored by these things. I do not understand why you've come, because to me you are Sitting Bull, our leader who would never surrender. That is all I have to say.
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce! Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced. Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. [pause] Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom. Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened. [in original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."] Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year! Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money. [pause] Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for... Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
Carl Quigley: Ok, just tell me where my money is? Preston Waters: I - I spent it. Carl Quigley: All of it? Preston Waters: [nods weakly] All of it. Carl Quigley: How could you spend... a million dollars... in just six days? Juice: You must have not been shopping lately.
[Hub and Garth are getting ready to shoot at a traveling salesman] Walter: Why not see what he's sellin'? Hub: What the hell for? Walter: Well what's the good of having all that money if you're never gonna spend it? Garth: Could be the kid has a point. Hub: Well. We'll see what the man's sellin'. THEN we'll shoot him. Garth: Good plan.
Money Mike: Crunching on your balls in a one horsed open sleigh.
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