Will Grimm:
Ignore him. He wishes his whole life was something out of a book. And now he thinks he's in love.
Jacob Grimm:
Shut up, Will!
Will Grimm:
Angelika, do what your father wanted: leave the village now.
Angelika:
No, Will. I'm gonna find my sisters.
Jacob Grimm:
Will doesn't care about them. Will doesn't care about anything but himself!
Will Grimm:
This isn't a fairy tale. They are not coming back!
Jacob Grimm:
This is not your world, Will! [to Angelika]
Jacob Grimm:
Angelika, you know, don't you? The story, it's happening to us now. We're living it. It's-it's alive, it's real, it's breathing. And we can give it a happy ending.
Angelika:
Jake...
Jacob Grimm:
Angelika, we'll find your sisters. All right? We'll bring them back.
Will Grimm:
[getting angry] Bring back her sisters? [kicks Jacob]
Will Grimm:
Bring them back? Bring them back with what? Magic beans?
Jacob Grimm:
Why do you say that?
Will Grimm:
Magic beans don't work! They don't bring people back to life! They did not then and they will not now! You go wait by the horses! Jacob, wait by the horses!
Vinny Gambini:
Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right? [puts his hand on the wall]
Bill:
Right.
Vinny Gambini:
Let me show you something. [he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
Vinny Gambini:
He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you. [turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
Vinny Gambini:
When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.
Kaffee:
Were you able to speak to your friend at the NIS?
Lt. Weinberg:
Yeah, she said that if Markinson doesn't want to be found, then we're not gonna find him. She said I could be Markinson and you wouldn't know it.
Kaffee:
Are you Markinson?
Lt. Weinberg:
No.
Kaffee:
I'm not Markinson... that's two down. What?
Lt. Weinberg:
I was wondering, now that Joanne's in on this, I was just wondering if you still needed me.
Kaffee:
They were following orders, Sam.
Lt. Weinberg:
An illegal order.
Kaffee:
You think Dawson and Downey knew it was an illegal order?
Lt. Weinberg:
It doesn't matter what they knew. Any decent human being would have refused.
Kaffee:
They're not permitted to question orders.
Lt. Weinberg:
Then what's the secret? I mean, what are the magic words? I give orders every day nobody ever follows them.
Kaffee:
Sam, we have softball games and marching bands. They work at a place where you have to wear camouflage or they might get shot! I need you. You're better at research than I am and you know how to prepare a witness.
Galloway:
[Galloway arrives] I have medical reports and Chinese food. I say we eat first. [pause, Weinberg is pondering]
Galloway:
What?
Lt. Weinberg:
You got any Kung Pao chicken?
Kaffee:
Alright, here's our defense. Intent, no one can prove there was any poison on the rag. Code reds, they're common and accepted in Guantanimo Bay. The order, A, Kendrick gave it, B they had no choice but to follow it. That's it.
Lt. Weinberg:
What about motive?
Kaffee:
We're a little weak on motive they had one.
Galloway:
Just because a person's got a motive doesn't mean that they're guilty.
Kaffee:
Relax, we'll deal with the fence line shooting when it comes up. In the meantime let's start with intent. I don't know what made Santiago die, I don't want to know. I just want to prove that it could have been something other than poison. Joe, talk to doctors find out everything there is to know about lactic acidosis. Sam, find out who else was in the emergency room that night...
[Wheelie leads the group to an SR-71 Blackbird jet]
Wheelie:
Oh, there he is... This guy's a legend, like the Chairman of the Board! Yo, freshman, point the shard and watch the magic happen. [Sam sticks the Allspark shard into the jet. Mikaela makes a closer examination of the plane, and discovers a symbol... ]
Mikaela Banes:
Oh, shit... It's a Deception!
Agent Simmons:
Decepticon? Behind the MiG NOW! [Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons scramble away as the Blackbird transforms]
Jetfire:
What sort of hideous mausoleum is this? [Jetfire spots the humans]
Jetfire:
Answer me, pawns and knaves! Show yourselves, or suffer my infinite wrath! [Cautiously, the humans approach the robot]
Jetfire:
You little spinal-cord-based organisms...! [bangs his head on a model of a satellite, which drops and just misses Sam]
Jetfire:
Oh, bugger it! [stands upright]
Jetfire:
Behold, the eternal glory of Jetfire! Prepare for remote systems override!
Wheelie:
I tell you, this guy did NOT age well!
Mikaela Banes:
I don't think he's gonna hurt us...
Hermione:
Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
[seeing everyone's faces] Very well. Well, you all know, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age. Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not.
Ron:
Three guesses who.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all magic families. In other words, pure bloods. Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic.
Hermione:
Muggle-borns.
Professor Minerva McGonagall:
Well naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found.
Jedediah:
Well, lookee here. If it ain't Mr. Big-in-the-Britches himself, come back in time to see us off?
Jedediah:
Yeah, Jed, I heard. Look, I don't even know how this happened. [Larry's answers his cellphone]
Jedediah:
Yeah. Yeah, real mystery how this happened. Maybe the answer's on that magic buzzing box there in your hand! You weren't here, Gigantor! That's how it happened! Ain't no mystery!
Octavius:
The fact is, Larry, there's no one else here to speak on our behalf during business hours.
Easter Island Head:
None, none, dum, dum.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
So this fella's out ridin' his horse when he comes across this sidewinder curled up on the side of the road...
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[rolling a cigarette] Snake?
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Yeah. A rattlesnake.
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
I know what it is.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Well goddammit, you asked, let me tell it.
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[lights his smoke] Tell it, then.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Alright, then. So the fella pulls his pistol to shoot this snake when the snake rears up and says "Now hold on, amigo. I'm a magic snake. You leather that bean-shooter and let me go, I'll grant you three wishes."
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
The snake says this?
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Goddammit, yes! Will you pay fuckin' attention?
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
Well... it's just that I never heard of no snake grantin' wishes before, is all.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
You ever heard a snake talk at all?
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
Alright, just tell it.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
Alright, then. So this fella says, "Well, OK. I ain't never had no luck baitin' ladies. I reckon I'd close the deal a lot swifter if I was to have the good looks of one of them high steppin' stage actors, the muscles of a prizefighter, and well, the dick of this here horse I'm riding...
Lucas 'Tope' Mullins:
[blows smoke] He was ridin' a mare.
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
[looks at Tope, disbelieving] . Y'know... just when I get to hatin' you a little less in my mind... my foot starts to hurt [indicates the foot Tope shot him in]
Jakob 'Picaro Gonnoff' Baumberger:
.
The Joker:
[the Joker interrupts a meeting between Lau and Gotham's criminals] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh hee hee ha ah ooh hee ha ha. And I thought my jokes were bad.
Gambol:
Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker:
How about a magic trick? [pulls out a pencil]
The Joker:
I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. [slams Gambol's thug's head into pencil]
The Joker:
Ta-da! It's... it's gone. Oh and about the suit. It wasn't cheap. You oughta know: you bought it. [Gambol gets up in anger]
The Chechen:
Sit. I want to hear proposition.
The Joker:
Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean what happened? Did... did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see a guy like me...
Gambol:
[interrupts] A freak.
The Joker:
A guy... like me... Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy sessions here in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night; the Batman. You see, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors unfortunately. Dent, he's just the beginning. And, and as for the television's so-called plan? Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal. I know the squealers when I see them and... [points at Lau]
The Chechen:
What do you propose?
The Joker:
It's simple: We, uh, kill the Batman. [everyone laughs]
Salvatore Maroni:
If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
The Joker:
If you're good at something, never do it for free.
The Chechen:
How much you want?
The Joker:
Uh... half. [everyone laughs again]
Gambol:
You're crazy.
The Joker:
I'm not. No, I'm not. If we don't deal with this now, soon little uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
Gambol:
Enough from the clown!
The Joker:
[reveals the inside of his jacket, which has five hand grenades with the pins attached to a thread tied to the Joker's finger] Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta! Let's not "blow" this out of proportion.
Gambol:
You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker:
Yeah.
Gambol:
I'm puttin' the word out: 500 hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive so I can teach him some manners first.
The Joker:
Alright, so listen. Why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. [leaves joker card on the table and walks away]
[after allowing their mysterious new neighbor, George Daniels, to make a phone call, Sarah and Jamie go into the kitchen]
Sarah Newman:
I saw him first!
Jamie Cyrus:
We saw him at the same time. Are you sure you want to go up against me?
Sarah Newman:
Name the time, place, and challenge.
Jamie Cyrus:
Okay. I win, you leave. You win, I leave.
Sarah Newman:
Win what?
Jamie Cyrus:
[referring to George] Him.
Sarah Newman:
First one to bed him?
Jamie Cyrus:
No, the first one he falls in love with.
Sarah Newman:
Love? Fine... agreed.
Jamie Cyrus:
And neither one of us can cast any spells on him to make that happen.
Sarah Newman:
Oh, come on! We're witches! Isn't this supposed to prove who's the better witch?
Jamie Cyrus:
Yes, and this will force us both to be a little bit more creative. A witch that has to rely on magic to get a man... is one lazy witch. So, this will be good practice for the two of us.
Sarah Newman:
Fine, it's a deal. But, one night in the sack with me, he will be in love. I guarantee it!
Vinny Gambini:
Is it possible the 2 defendants... [looks at judge]
Vinny Gambini:
went into the Sac-O-Suds, picked 22 specific items off of the shelf, had the clerk take the money, make change, then leave. Then 2 different men, drive up... [Seeing Mr. Tipton shake his head no]
Vinny Gambini:
Don't shake your head I'm not finished yet. Wait until you hear the whole thing you can understand what it is that I'm askin'. Then, two different men drive up in a similar looking car, do into the store, shoot the clerk, rob him, then leave?
Mr. Tipton:
No. They didn't have enough time.
Vinny Gambini:
Why not? How long was they in the store for?
Mr. Tipton:
5 minutes.
Vinny Gambini:
5 minutes? How do you know? Did you look at your watch?
Mr. Tipton:
No.
Vinny Gambini:
Oh, oh, oh, you tesitfied earlier that you saw the boys go into the store, and you had just begun to cook your breakfast and you were just getting ready to eat when you heard the shot.
Mr. Tipton:
That's right.
Vinny Gambini:
So obviously it takes you 5 minutes to cook your breakfast.
Mr. Tipton:
That's right.
Vinny Gambini:
That's right, so you knew that. You remember what you had?
Mr. Tipton:
Eggs and grits.
Vinny Gambini:
Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?
Mr. Tipton:
Just regular I guess.
Vinny Gambini:
Regular. Instant grits?
Mr. Tipton:
No self respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
Vinny Gambini:
So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton:
I don't know, I'm a fast cook I guess.
Vinny Gambini:
I'm sorry I was all the way over here I couldn't hear you did you say you were a fast cook, that's it?
Mr. Tipton:
Yeah.
Vinny Gambini:
Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton:
I don't know.
Vinny Gambini:
Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?
