I know, brother, that you are a straightforward man, and that you pride yourself on it. But put one question to yourself: why in fact should one tell the truth? What obliges us to do it? And why do we consider telling the truth a virtue? Imagine that you meet a madman, who claims that he is a fish and that we are all fish. Are you going to argue with him? Are you going to undress in front of him and show him that you don't have fins? Are you going to say to his face what you think? Well, tell me!'
His brother was silent and Edward went on: 'If you told him the whole truth and nothing but the truth, only what you really thought, you would enter into a serious conversation with a madman and you yourself would become mad. And it is the same way with the world that surrounds us. If I obstinately told a man the truth to his face, it would mean I was taking him seriously. And to take something so unimportant seriously means to become less than serious oneself. I, you see, must lie, if I don't want to take madmen seriously and become one of them myself.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik:
How 'bout fiddle-faddels?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masterbating please, do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik:
Geez, without slippy-flippy's or angry masterbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin... from now on, unacceptable.
Iago:
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar!
Jafar:
Now where were we? Ah, yes - abject humiliation! [He zaps Jasmine and the Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him. He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitty-cat]
Jafar:
Down, boy! Oh, princess, [lifts Jasmine's chin with his staff]
Jafar:
there's someone I'm dying to introduce you to.
Aladdin:
[Flying towards him on carpet] Jafar! Get your hands off her!
Jafar:
[zaps Aladdin, Carpet flies away. Singing] Prince Ali, yes, it is he, but not as you know him. Read my lips and come to grips with reality [brings Aladdin and Jasmine closer in the air]
Jafar:
Yes, meet a blast from your past, whose lies were too good to last! Say hello to your precious Prince Ali! [zaps Ali back to Aladdin as he says it]
Iago:
Or should we say Aladdin?
Princess Jasmine:
[shocked] Ali
Aladdin:
Jasmine, I tried to tell you.
Jafar:
[still singing] So Ali turns out to be merely Aladdin [turns Abu back to his normal self]
Jafar:
Just a con, need I go on? Take it from me his personality flaws give me adequate cause to send him packing on a one-way trip [sends Aladdin and Abu in a pillar, carpet flies in after the,]
Jafar:
so his prospects take a terminal dip his assets frozen, the venue chosen is the ends of the earth, [sends the pillar in the air]
Jafar:
whoopee! So long,
Iago:
Good bye, see ya!
Jafar:
[sings] Ex-Prince Ali! [laughs maniacly]
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator:
Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel:
What is it, son?
Radar Operator:
I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot:
Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot:
Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman:
Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man:
[raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman:
Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant:
Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire:
Two balls. [looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire:
What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher:
Wang. pay attention.
Wang:
I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician:
Willie.
Willie:
Yeah?
Musician:
What's that?
Willie:
[squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel:
Johnson.
Radar Operator:
Yes, sir?
Colonel:
Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine's Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini's fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was, if I can phrase it like this, a matter of everything I hated versus everything I loved. In the hate column: dictatorship, religion, stupidity, demagogy, censorship, bullying, and intimidation. In the love column: literature, irony, humor, the individual, and the defense of free expression. Plus, of course, friendship
Bob Barnes:
If anything happens to me or my family, an accident, an accusation, anything, then first your son will disappear, his body will never be found. Then your wife. Her body will never be found either. This is guaranteed. Then, whatever is the most dangerous thing you do in your life, it might be flying in a small plane, it might be walking to the bank, you will be killed. Do you understand what I'm saying? I want you to acknowledge that you do understand so that we're clear and there won't be any mistakes.
Dean Whiting:
Beirut rules, Mr. Barnes?
Damien Wiles:
[voice in Bishop's telephone] Garrett Hotel, front desk in one half hour.
Malik Bishop:
Mm-mm. No, I don't work on holidays.
Damien Wiles:
It says here you work on Sundays *and* holidays. I got it right here.
Malik Bishop:
No, shoot, Man, get Sala. He works on Sundays *and* holidays.
Damien Wiles:
A special two-hour "Homicide" is coming on tonight. He won't come.
Malik Bishop:
Listen, f*** that. Get the Milkman. He don't even celebrate holidays.
Damien Wiles:
He's in D.C.
Malik Bishop:
D.C.? Everybody flying to D.C... No, man, how am I gonna get down to some 'telly? I got greens on right now.
Damien Wiles:
Holiday pay.
Malik Bishop:
[Voiceover, to the audience] Well, after a little arm-twisting, I decided to do it. Hell, holiday pay seemed pretty good to me, 'specially since I was planning to disappear after this job. A little extra padding in the nest egg wouldn't hurt nobody.
