Newscaster: Spoiler! A Los Angeles Police Department Narcotics officer was killed today serving a high-risk warrant near LAX. An LAPD spokesperson says that Detective Alonzo Harris is survived by his wife and four sons.
[about the particle-beam weapon] Admiral Bates: Are you telling me this goddamn thing is working now? Tom Breaker: In fact, Admiral, it works so effectively that if we were to target the Los Angeles fault lines, in fifteen seconds... Arizona would be beachfront property.
Ricky Slade: OK, Bob, you knocked the Jew's tooth out, right? That's gonna cost Max 8 grand, maybe more than 8 grand. You probably lost him his whole line of clientele too. Plus, you've been fucking up Jess' dancing. Now I think he knows I sold the fucking carpet van, he's been giving me looks and shit which leads to that, OK? Now he can't kill us in Los Angeles cause there's a lot of questions there right? But all of a sudden he flies us out to New York City to do a drop? We don't know what the fuck the drop is, OK? But if we disappeared out here, there's no fucking questions involved in that. There's no questions if we disappear. LA, questions, drop out here, not a lot of questions! Bobby: How do you come up with this shit?
News Reporter: If you look over behind me, that's a tornado. Yes! A twister in Los Angeles. It's one of many tornadoes that are destroying our city. There's another one! That's the Los Angeles skyline! It's unbelievable! It's huge! I've never seen anything like that.
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Reporter: Thousands gathered to witness the maiden voyage of the Baron's technological marvel, Southland's newest wonder, the Treer MegaZeppelin. Reporter#2: ...at the hills above Los Angeles today, while on the ground, authorities are bracing the first riots since 1992. Reporter#3: You can see right there a car bomb went off just moments ago.
Check-In Stewardess: I'm sorry ladies, but I'm afraid you've come to the wrong desk. Jessie: I have asked four people. Each of them has said we could check in for a flight to Los Angeles at *any* desk. We have queued for twenty minutes in the *only* queue and were directed to *your* desk by *your* representative. Where *precisely* have we gone wrong?
[first lines] The Stranger: [voiceover] Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. Lebowski, he called himself "The Dude". Now, "Dude" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darned interestin'. They call Los Angeles the "City Of Angels." I didn't find it to be that, exactly. But I'll allow there are some nice folks there. 'Course I can't say I've seen London, and I ain't never been to France. And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Los Angeles, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early '90s - just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Los Angeles. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I've done introduced him enough.
[Beck & Travis are paralyzed from eating a jungle fruit] Beck: [slurred] Oh, thit... Travis: [who can't turn his head] What? What? Beck: Monkey! Monkey! Travis: Monkey? Where? Get him away from me! Beck: [weakly] Get out of here, Monkey. Travis: [weakly] Get out of here, Monkey. Beck: [weakly] Get out of here, Monkey. [Sounds of a swarm of monkeys running around them and drawing closer] Travis: Oh, no... Beck: I hate this place. I hate penis-eating minnows and I hate freaky fruit. I want to go home. I want concrete. I want homemade tortellini. I want my Los Angeles Lakers. I want to go home, I want to go home, I WANT TO GO HOME! [He gets pissed off enough to overcome the paralysis and lift his head and arm, waving a tree branch] Beck: Get out of here, monkeys! Get out of here, monkeys! [the monkeys run off. Beck tries to stand, and promptly collapses to the ground again]
Alex: Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew? Jonathan: Who? Alex: The Shaqweel O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker. Jonathan: Uh, no. Alex: And Michael Jackson? Jonathan: [Scoffs] *No*, definitely not a Jew.
Parker: You take Los Angeles. Kay. If I say Los Angeles has become, over the years, a mecca for homosexual migration. I am in the right. But look at what I am saying. I am making it sound like faggots are nomadic if not predatory miscreants who have some implied need to move around. I am also likening of the Muslims, or Muslims to them. Whereas saying LA is filled with faggots is just being honest.
Adm. Dean Winslow: I will not be able to give you your Los Angeles class boat Lt. Comd. Dodge: [sighs] Yes, sir. Adm. Dean Winslow: You will instead be given a new *Seawolf* class nuclear sub, and will attend its launch on friday. And you'll be given a crew consistent with your leadership and tactical abilities Lt. Comd. Dodge: Thank you, sir. But I'll have to decline Adm. Dean Winslow: Decline? Lt. Comd. Dodge: I would not be in line for such a promotion, without the help of my present crew. I could not in good conscious take command without them.
Radio Announcer: In sports, the Los Angeles Cougars have won the W.A.B.A. championship.
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