Jay:
[singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2:
Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay:
[singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1:
What the hell are you singing?
Jay:
You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2:
You mean the guys in that Prince movie? [Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1:
Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2:
Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
King Leo:
You arrive early. My daughter and I welcome you. What news from Normandy?
Jamal:
What news? Well a couple of drive-bys, other than that, same ole same ole.
King Leo:
When will the Duke arrive to take my daughter's hand?
Jamal:
This is a hell of a setup you've got here. I mean, I'm not lyin'. I mean. Wooh! You got to have major coins behind this. Who's backin you, Puffy?
King Leo:
Silence, Moor! Tell me when will the Duke arrive.
Jamal:
Oh, I, I get it. You wanna see if I can improv. Ok, well let's see. Uh. The Duke will arriveth in all his royal pomposity and splendor on Tuesday.
King Leo:
Tuesday! Ha! That is excellent news! Phillip, have the servants supply this messenger with much food and drink. And let him lay with any damsel that he desires, except my daugher, of course. [everyone laughs]
Banky:
Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay:
All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky:
That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
Jay:
This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
Banky:
You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob:
Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Jay:
Yeah.
Alex Jones:
"You can't fight city hall." "Death and taxes." "Don't talk about politics or religion." This is all the equivalent of enemy propaganda, rolling across the picket line. "Lay down, GI! Lay down, GI!". We saw it all through the 20th Century. And now on the 21st Century, it's time to stand up and realize, that we should NOT allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not SUBMIT to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control. Those that control my life, and those that seek to control it EVEN MORE! I want FREEDOM! That's what I want, and that's what YOU should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose of just some of the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control, make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty, our liberty, our destiny. We have GOT to realize we're being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave state! The 21st Century's gonna be a new century! Not the century of slavery, not the century of lies and issues of no significance, of classism and statism, and all the rest of the modes of control... it's gonna be the age of humankind, standing up for something PURE and something RIGHT! What a bunch of garbage, liberal, Democratic, conservative, Republican, it's all there to control you, two sides of the same coin! Two management teams, bidding for control of the CEO job of Slavery Incorporated! The TRUTH is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of LIES! I'm SICK of it, and I'M NOT GONNA TAKE A BITE OUT OF IT! DO YA GOT ME? Resistance is NOT futile, we're gonna win this thing, humankind is too good, WE'RE NOT A BUNCH OF UNDERACHIEVERS, WE'RE GONNA STAND UP, AND WE'RE GONNA BE HUMAN BEINGS! WE'RE GONNA GET FIRED UP ABOUT THE REAL THINGS, THE THINGS THAT MATTER - CREATIVITY, AND THE *DYNAMIC* *HUMAN* *SPIRIT* THAT REFUSES TO *SUBMIT*! WELL THAT'S IT, that's all I've got to say. It's in your court now.
Stormont:
Noriega formed these so-called Dignity Battalions. Dingbats. They were to beat the dignity out of anyone remotely critical of Noriega. It was Dr. Frankenstein, George Bush, who created this monster when he was head of the CIA. And when Noriega's drugrunning and brutality got too much, even for the CIA, it was George, now President Bush, who decided to take him out. And just to make sure, they firebombed a big chunk of the old city. Sadly, that's where the anti-Noriega rebels were. The handful that Noriega hadn't banged up already. So no more opposition, silent or otherwise. Burnt, scattered, fled.
Mary Boleyn:
[as she enters the room] Anne.
Anne Boleyn:
I meant to come sooner. I'm sorry I did not. I've been kept occupied.
Mary Boleyn:
So I hear: amusing the king.
Anne Boleyn:
Only that sister, I assure you; despite his best efforts...
Mary Boleyn:
What, and not yours?
Anne Boleyn:
[is silent for a moment] How is it? [glances towards Mary's belly]
Mary Boleyn:
The child is strong, gives me no rest, like his father.
Anne Boleyn:
Do you feel as awful as you look? You know, in France, no woman would allow herself to get in such a state.
Mary Boleyn:
Why did you come Anne, if all you desire is to torment me?
Anne Boleyn:
Perhaps now you know how it feels: to be deceived by your sister.
Mary Boleyn:
I did nothing.
Anne Boleyn:
You stole the king away, and then you betrayed me over Henry Percy!
Mary Boleyn:
If that's what you think fine tell yourself that!
Anne Boleyn:
I did sister, every day and every night I was in exile.
King's Messenger:
[Messenger walks in, holding a gift] A gift, from the king.
Anne Boleyn:
Give it to my sister.
King's Messenger:
It's for you mistress Anne.
Anne Boleyn:
Me? Then send it back! Immediately! [looks at Mary]
Anne Boleyn:
How dare he! See? I have your interest at heart.
Mary Boleyn:
Why? Why this cruelty? You know I love him.
Anne Boleyn:
Well perhaps you should stop.
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart:
You wish to see me, sir?
General Robert E. Lee:
[Lee nods and sighs; there is a short pause] It is the opinion of some... excellent officers that you have let us all down.
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart:
[angry at the slight to his honor] General Lee, sir, if you will please tell me who these gentlemen are...
General Robert E. Lee:
There will be none of that. There is no time.
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart:
Sir, I only ask that I be allowed to defend my...
General Robert E. Lee:
[raising his voice slightly] There is no time. [Stuart looks stunned]
General Robert E. Lee:
General Stuart... your mission was to free this army from the enemy cavalry and report any movement by the enemy's main body. That mission was not fulfilled. You left here with no word of your movement or movement of the enemy for several days. Meanwhile, we were engaged here and drawn into battle without adequate knowledge of the enemy's strength or position, without knowledge of the ground. So it is only by God's grace that we did not meet disaster here.
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart:
General Lee, there were reasons...
General Robert E. Lee:
[Lee holds up his hand to silence Stuart] Perhaps you misunderstood my orders? Perhaps I did not make myself clear. Well, sir... this must be made *very* clear. You, sir, with your cavalry, are the eyes of this army. Without your cavalry, we are made blind. That has already happened once. It must never, *never* happen again.
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart:
[Stuart stares at the floor, then slowly draws his sword in token of his resignation] Sir... since I no longer hold the General's...
General Robert E. Lee:
[suddenly furious, Lee pounds the table with his fist] I have *told* you, there is no time for that! There is no time! [he pauses, takes a deep breath, and calms down again]
General Robert E. Lee:
There is another fight comin' tomorrow, and we need you. We need every man, God knows. You must take what I have told you, and learn from it, as a man does. [he takes Stuart's sword and replaces it in its scabbard]
General Robert E. Lee:
There has been a mistake. It will not happen again; I know your quality. You are one of the finest cavalry officers I have ever known, and your service to this army has been invaluable. Now... let us speak no more of this. [he turns and slowly walks away, then turns back to Stuart]
General Robert E. Lee:
The matter is concluded. Good night, General. [not knowing what to think of this show of mercy, Stuart snaps a crisp salute, and Lee returns it]
Heather:
So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...
Beth:
[interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?
Carrie:
And it hurts me to question it, because...
Heather, Beth, Carrie:
[at the same time] ... YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME?
Heather:
Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!
Beth:
Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...
Carrie:
[interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?
Beth:
John and I share something special.
Carrie:
Oh what, that they been both in your pants?
Beth:
We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.
Heather:
[under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.
Beth:
[sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.
Carrie:
What, you too?
Heather:
John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.
Beth:
Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?
Carrie:
Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?
Beth:
Do not lump me with her!
Heather:
Oh so what, you're now better than me?
Kate:
Shut up.
Heather, Beth:
[peeved] What?
Kate:
Sorry.
Heather:
You got something to say?
Kate:
No, it's none of my business. [pause]
Kate:
Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.
Heather:
Oh my God, you're dating John too?
Kate:
No, I knew a guy like him... Skip.
Azrael:
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender:
Never heard of it.
Azrael:
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity:
Don't...
Azrael:
Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael:
Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [Azrael pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael:
Get it?
Serendipity:
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus:
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael:
Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
V:
[Evey pulls out her mace] I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey Hammond:
Who are you?
V:
Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond:
Well I can see that.
V:
Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey Hammond:
Oh. Right.
V:
But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
V:
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. [carves V into poster on wall]
V:
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles]
V:
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
Evey Hammond:
Are you like a crazy person?
V:
I am quite sure they will say so. But to whom, might I ask, am I speaking with?
Evey Hammond:
I'm Evey.
V:
Evey? E-V. Of course you are.
Evey Hammond:
What does that mean?
V:
It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences.
