Davey Stone: [Drops fries on try which spells Bite Me] . Whitey: Jokes on you tough guy! I can't read! [Smiles] Whitey: .
Clark Edwards: Let's not start with the nerd jokes just because I enjoy the Internet. You know, there's some pretty racy stuff on here. Luis Jackson: Yeah, there's nothing hotter than sitting alone, downloading pictures of naked women. Just you and your little mouse!
Max#: [singing] So your jokes are all, let's face it, prehistoric. Goofy: [singing] And your music sounds like monkeys in a zoo. Max#, Goofy: [singing in unison] But when life becomes distressing, who will I be S-O-S-ing? Max#: [singing] If you're having trouble guessing, here's a clue: though he seems intoxicated, he's just highly animated, and he's nobody else but... Max#, Goofy: [singing in unison] Nobody else but you. We've turned into a true blue duo. Hard times, we've had a few... Goofy: [singing] Like we're thrown in the drink... Max#: [singing] Like we're tossed out of town... Max#, Goofy: [singing in unison] But when I start to sink, hey, I'd rather go down, with nobody else but Y-O-U! [Goofy kisses Max] Max#: [annoyed] Aw, Dad!
[O'Ryan has sit across from Speck without him noticing] Benjamin O'Ryan: What's in the case? Harold Speck: [looks up; startled] I'm sorry? Benjamin O'Ryan: You're always lugging that case around. I'm curious, what do you sell? Harold Speck: Restaurant supplies. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Benjamin O'Ryan: You must travel a lot, huh? Whole country or just hereabouts? Harold Speck: I don't mean to be rude, but... Benjamin O'Ryan: How's your wife feel about it? Harold Speck: *What*? Benjamin O'Ryan: She must get lonely, you gone all the time. Does she? Harold Speck: Look, I don't know who you are, but you can't just sit down and... [O'Ryan holds a drawing up on the table for Speck to see] Benjamin O'Ryan: Did it myself. Kind of a hobby. Take a look at these pictures, Harold, and you tell me if you see anything you want. I've got lots more. Would you like to see them? [He holds up another] Benjamin O'Ryan: Tell me, those jokes about the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, are they true? [He holds up another; Speck goes white] Benjamin O'Ryan: Here, this one's my *favorite*. Really says it all... wouldn't you agree? Harold Speck: You're *sick*. [Speck gets up from the table and leaves] Benjamin O'Ryan: It's a matter of opinion.
Lawyer (Barry): Page 108, paragraph 3, No jokes involving flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions. Lawyer (Jerry): Also, no use of the seven so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, mother-fucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy.
Max: I am the gangster of love John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
Earl: Hey. You remember what I said - don't you go lovin' that baby too much. Jenna: I don't love you, Earl. I haven't loved you for years. I want a divorce. Earl: [laughs] Well, that's not a funny joke. You got this new baby here, you shouldn't be making jokes like that... Jenna: I want you the hell out of my life. You are never to touch me, ever again; I am done with you. If you ever come within six yards of me, I will flatten your sorry ass and I'll enjoy doin' it.
Dusty, Lefty: [singing] Bad jokes, Lord, I love 'em. / Bad jokes, can't get enough of em. / O-o-o-whee, / Bad jokes for me.
The Joker: [the Joker interrupts a meeting between Lau and Gotham's criminals] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh hee hee ha ah ooh hee ha ha. And I thought my jokes were bad. Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off. The Joker: How about a magic trick? [pulls out a pencil] The Joker: I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. [slams Gambol's thug's head into pencil] The Joker: Ta-da! It's... it's gone. Oh and about the suit. It wasn't cheap. You oughta know: you bought it. [Gambol gets up in anger] The Chechen: Sit. I want to hear proposition. The Joker: Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean what happened? Did... did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see a guy like me... Gambol: [interrupts] A freak. The Joker: A guy... like me... Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy sessions here in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night; the Batman. You see, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors unfortunately. Dent, he's just the beginning. And, and as for the television's so-called plan? Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal. I know the squealers when I see them and... [points at Lau] The Chechen: What do you propose? The Joker: It's simple: We, uh, kill the Batman. [everyone laughs] Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already? The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free. The Chechen: How much you want? The Joker: Uh... half. [everyone laughs again] Gambol: You're crazy. The Joker: I'm not. No, I'm not. If we don't deal with this now, soon little uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma. Gambol: Enough from the clown! The Joker: [reveals the inside of his jacket, which has five hand grenades with the pins attached to a thread tied to the Joker's finger] Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta! Let's not "blow" this out of proportion. Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away? The Joker: Yeah. Gambol: I'm puttin' the word out: 500 hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive so I can teach him some manners first. The Joker: Alright, so listen. Why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. [leaves joker card on the table and walks away]
Chlo: There's never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now. Ray: Of course there hasn't. It's a shithole. Chlo: Bruges is my home town, Ray. Ray: Well, it's still a shithole. Chlo: It's not a shithole! Ray: What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it. Chlo: Okay. So, you've insulted my home town. You were doing really well, Raymond. Why don't you tell me some Belgium jokes while you're at it? Ray: Don't know any Belgium jokes, and if I did I think I'd have the good sense not to... hang on. Is Belgium with all those child abuse murders lately? I do know a Belgium joke. What's Belgium famous for? Chocolates and child abuse, and they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids. [Ray sees Chloe's shocked expression] Ray: What? Chlo: One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine. Ray: [after a long pause, feeling bad] I'm sorry, Chloe. Chlo: One of the girls they murdered wasn't a friend of mine. I just wanted to make you feel bad. And it worked! Quite well.
Major Payne: One! Don't you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.
Party Guest: So, what have you been up to? Party Guest: I'm teaching. Party Guest: Really, what? Party Guest: I'm teaching men to refill ice trays. [They both laugh as Juan joins them.] Juan Lopez: Now that was cold." [He laughs.] Juan Lopez: Get it? Cold? Ice? It was a joke. [As they walk away.] Juan Lopez: Hey, I like jokes too.
George Simmons: I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.
Leo: You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?
Albert Brooks: Write down that Polish jokes work everywhere.
Jeff Dunham: Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports? Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Oh, that's easy. They open the case, and I go "Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! Achmed the Dead Terrorist: I did the same thing with 2 Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes! Yes! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! Jeff Dunham: You can't tell jokes like that! Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Why not? I'm killing... so to speak! Jeff Dunham: referring to the "suicide bomber training camp": Is that a nice facility? Achmed the Dead Terrorist: It used to be! Jeff Dunham: What happened? Achmed the Dead Terrorist: New guy! The idiot tried to practice! Jeff Dunham: What did you guys learn from that? Achmed the Dead Terrorist: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!
Bobby Riley: [stopping nephews and nieces as they run throught the house] Got a little joke for ya. Nephew: Your jokes always get us in trouble! Nephews & Nieces: [other kids agree] Mm hm! Bobby Riley: This one is a clean one. What kind of bees make milk? Nephews & Nieces: I don't know. Bobby Riley: Boobies!
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