Max#:
[singing] So your jokes are all, let's face it, prehistoric.
Goofy:
[singing] And your music sounds like monkeys in a zoo.
Max#, Goofy:
[singing in unison] But when life becomes distressing, who will I be S-O-S-ing?
Max#:
[singing] If you're having trouble guessing, here's a clue: though he seems intoxicated, he's just highly animated, and he's nobody else but...
Max#, Goofy:
[singing in unison] Nobody else but you. We've turned into a true blue duo. Hard times, we've had a few...
Goofy:
[singing] Like we're thrown in the drink...
Max#:
[singing] Like we're tossed out of town...
Max#, Goofy:
[singing in unison] But when I start to sink, hey, I'd rather go down, with nobody else but Y-O-U! [Goofy kisses Max]
Max#:
[annoyed] Aw, Dad!
[O'Ryan has sit across from Speck without him noticing]
Benjamin O'Ryan:
What's in the case?
Harold Speck:
[looks up; startled] I'm sorry?
Benjamin O'Ryan:
You're always lugging that case around. I'm curious, what do you sell?
Harold Speck:
Restaurant supplies. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Benjamin O'Ryan:
You must travel a lot, huh? Whole country or just hereabouts?
Harold Speck:
I don't mean to be rude, but...
Benjamin O'Ryan:
How's your wife feel about it?
Harold Speck:
*What*?
Benjamin O'Ryan:
She must get lonely, you gone all the time. Does she?
Harold Speck:
Look, I don't know who you are, but you can't just sit down and... [O'Ryan holds a drawing up on the table for Speck to see]
Benjamin O'Ryan:
Did it myself. Kind of a hobby. Take a look at these pictures, Harold, and you tell me if you see anything you want. I've got lots more. Would you like to see them? [He holds up another]
Benjamin O'Ryan:
Tell me, those jokes about the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, are they true? [He holds up another; Speck goes white]
Benjamin O'Ryan:
Here, this one's my *favorite*. Really says it all... wouldn't you agree?
Harold Speck:
You're *sick*. [Speck gets up from the table and leaves]
Benjamin O'Ryan:
It's a matter of opinion.
Lawyer (Barry):
Page 108, paragraph 3, No jokes involving flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions.
Lawyer (Jerry):
Also, no use of the seven so-called seven dirty words. These are cocksucker, mother-fucker, fuck, shit, cunt, cock, and pussy.
The Joker:
[the Joker interrupts a meeting between Lau and Gotham's criminals] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh hee hee ha ah ooh hee ha ha. And I thought my jokes were bad.
Gambol:
Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.
The Joker:
How about a magic trick? [pulls out a pencil]
The Joker:
I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. [slams Gambol's thug's head into pencil]
The Joker:
Ta-da! It's... it's gone. Oh and about the suit. It wasn't cheap. You oughta know: you bought it. [Gambol gets up in anger]
The Chechen:
Sit. I want to hear proposition.
The Joker:
Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you. I mean what happened? Did... did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see a guy like me...
Gambol:
[interrupts] A freak.
The Joker:
A guy... like me... Look, listen. I know why you choose to have your little group therapy sessions here in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night; the Batman. You see, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors unfortunately. Dent, he's just the beginning. And, and as for the television's so-called plan? Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal. I know the squealers when I see them and... [points at Lau]
The Chechen:
What do you propose?
The Joker:
It's simple: We, uh, kill the Batman. [everyone laughs]
Salvatore Maroni:
If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?
The Joker:
If you're good at something, never do it for free.
The Chechen:
How much you want?
The Joker:
Uh... half. [everyone laughs again]
Gambol:
You're crazy.
The Joker:
I'm not. No, I'm not. If we don't deal with this now, soon little uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.
Gambol:
Enough from the clown!
The Joker:
[reveals the inside of his jacket, which has five hand grenades with the pins attached to a thread tied to the Joker's finger] Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta! Let's not "blow" this out of proportion.
Gambol:
You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker:
Yeah.
Gambol:
I'm puttin' the word out: 500 hundred grand for this clown dead. A million alive so I can teach him some manners first.
The Joker:
Alright, so listen. Why don't you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here's my card. [leaves joker card on the table and walks away]
Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Ever'body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turnin' red an' he couldn't even talk. Elsie says, 'I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn.' Well, they took the heifer out there an' Willy an' Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willy got feelin' purty fly. Elsie looks over an' says, like she don't know, 'What's a matter, Willy?' Willy's so randy, he can't hardly set still. 'By God,' he says, 'by God, I wisht I was a-doin' that!' Elsie says, 'Why not, WIlly? It's your heifer.
