talk show host: And you think that the issue of pornography, you think that pornography is a problem, is a blight on our society, it's taking us farther away from the path that we want to be on? Is that what I'm hearing here? Craig Gross: Let me tell you, say this, do you think sitting at your computer with your pants down at your ankles looking at some hot chick on the Internet doing a donkey, while masturbating, is there a problem with that? talk show host: [flabbergasted] Mm, mm, you don't want to do it every night of the week.
Brandon: Oh my god... no! Miriam Linky: What? Brandon: Granny Panties? Miriam Linky: Excuse me? Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right? [pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."] Miriam Linky: [Miri gasps in horror] Zack Brown: Where'd you get that? Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous! Miriam Linky: [to Bobby] You're gay? Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah... Miriam Linky: And I'm the internet wearing... a diaper? Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity? Miriam Linky: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.
Elwood Blues: Stay away from drugs, gangs, and cyberporn on the Internet and you can be President of the United States some day.
Internet Date: That's the skidmark of Buddha!
Dorothy Wheeler: Excuse me, who are you? Ruthie: That's none of your business. Campbell Morris: Don't worry, she's nobody. Ruthie: Yeah, I'm nobody. I'm just the idiot who's still waiting for a return on my Internet investment. [to Campbell Morris] Ruthie: What did you call it? Bleed-Me-Dry.com?
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: [From unrated version] Enough is enough! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane! Susan: So have I! Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Enough is Enough! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane! Susan: Right... Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane! Susan: Why do you keep saying that? Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Because internet bloggers love it when I say "I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!" Susan: Alright, we get it already. Okay? Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: No! I don't think you do! I've had it! With these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane! Susan: Why are you yelling? Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Shit, bitch! I'm ALWAYS yellin'! I'm Samuel motherfuckin' Jackson! Susan: Bitch? [Gets thrown off the plane]
Norm Archer: The internet went down for three hours this morning, plunging the nation into productivity. The outage, which caused major work startages from New York to California, prevented an estimated 120 million American employees from messing around on the web at work.
[With his wife away shopping, Rick has a phone call just as his buxom Internet lover Sasha wants to mount him on his couch] Rick: Hello? Jenny: Hey, honey, I just pulled up at the market. What did you want for dinner? I was thinking... casseroles? Rick: [as Sasha shoves her large breasts in front of his face] Hmm, I... I don't know, honey. Are melons in seasons? Jenny: I think so. Since when did you start eating melons? Rick: I... I saw something on the Internet and they said that melons were good to your libido. Jenny: [excited] Really? Well, what kind of melons? Rick: Big, juicy, ripe ones.
[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie] Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans." Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me. Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order. Dante Hicks: Why? Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
[On internet dating] Jack Malone: This is what I have to look forward to. I'm going to take one of these out. What do you think of this: Uh, Jumpin' Jack Flash. Divorced, two kids, bad knee, grumpy workaholic. It's a pretty good sell, right? Vivian: My husband's looking better everyday. Jack Malone: Yeah, I'll bet.
Taylor: Isn't it amazing how the internet makes everything you say sound 300 times sluttier.
Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
L.B.J. Deuce Fairbanks: Let me tell ya how the internet screwed up poker, okay. When a guy sucks out on the river, on the internet, you cannot take the guy out in the parking lot and you cannot break his fuckin' knees.
Mary Jane: I remembered reading on the internet that if I smoked 1,256 bong riffs, the amount of THC would be enough to kill me.
Jenny Cross: Mom, there is wiggy shit going down here. Jenny Cross: Wiggy shit. Jenny Cross: Way beyond not having internet or cable. Jenny Cross: We're talking full on cult. Jenny Cross: These people are freaks. Jenny Cross: Vows of silence, macaroni crafts and graven images everywhere...
Sidney Gibson: [about the new web page Billie's supposed to take care of] Are we on the internet yet? Billie Frank: Didn't you hear the internet's closed today?
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