Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed. Zed: Good work Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black? Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted. Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me! Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you. Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed? Zed: I'll call you back [starts walking away] Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M!
Him: Splendidly evil, isn't it? Mojo Jojo: Evil? How about stupid? Yes, thanks to your foolishness, we will be reduced to nothing. Nothing! Like the amount of intelligence inside your head. Nothing! Like the amount of respect I get after six seasons on this show!
Diplomatic Spook: I don't like it. First time out a whole battalion gets massacred? Army Intelligence Officer: You think this is a massacre? Diplomatic Spook: I call losing a lot of draftees a bad week. Losing a Colonel's a massacre.
[about human beings] Satan: It's amazing the things they do. They're inventing themselves now. Artificial intelligence and cybergenetics and so on. Jesus Christ: It's impressive, I admit. Satan: They're cross-fertilizing pears with apples and goats with sheeps, tobacco plants with lightning bugs. Jesus Christ: Now that's just stupid. Satan: Well, I agree.
[Collins and his men have just intercepted an intelligence report from the Royal Irish Constabulary] Michael Collins: Jesus, these bastards know more about us than our own mothers.
Master Control: [monitor activates] I am Master Control, computer of the future. Billy: Aaahh! [jumps on Grim's arms] Grim: That'd better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy. Master Control: I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure, I know everything there is to know, and I'm not too shabby at checkers. Grim: Wait, how can you know *everything*? Master Control: I just do, so there. Grim: If you know everything, then what's the meaning of life? Master Control: Life has no meaning, only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale. Grim: Hmm, I didn't think he'd get that one right. Billy: Oh, yeah? Then what's my favorite color? Master Control: Blue. Billy: What's the best kind of bean? Master Control: Pinto. Billy: Why is the sky blue? Master Control: Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky. Billy: Why do I ask so many questions? Master Control: Because you're stupid! Billy: What's the color of my underwear? Master Control: White... [raises an eyebrow] Master Control: ... with pink frilly lace. Billy: [checks in his pants] Wow. It really does know everything.
Sands: My name is Sheldon Jeffery Sands. I work for the Central Intelligence Agency. I throw shapes. I throw shapes, I set them up, I watch them fall. I'm living la vida loca.
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar. Colonel: What is it, son? Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant... Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard. Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge... Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker. Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where? Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's... Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with... Baseball Umpire: Two balls. [looking up from game] Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous... Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention. Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying... Musician: Willie. Willie: Yeah? Musician: What's that? Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge... Colonel: Johnson. Radar Operator: Yes, sir? Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M.
Jack Withrowe: Hi. Can I get you a drink? Page Conners: Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity. Jack Withrowe: Well, I... Page Conners: "Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink? Jack Withrowe: Well, because... I'm the bartender.
White Queen: I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you, I am the artificial intelligence which... Alice: Yeah I know what you are, I knew your sister, she was a homicidal bitch. White Queen: My sister computer was merely following the most logical path of preservation of human life. Alice: Yeah kill a few save a lot.
[after having found a CD they believe contains files of the CIA] Linda Litzke: You should put up a note in the ladies locker room. Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found: Raw intelligence shit, CIA shit?" Hello, anybody lose their secret CIA shit? I don't think so!
Will Robinson: Oh, shit. Dr. Zachary Smith: A boy of your intelligence should never swear... Oh, shit.
Matt Saunders: You're that Bedlam guy. Professor Bedlam: Professor Bedlam. Matt Saunders: The super villain. Professor Bedlam: Please, I am not super. I am not a villain. I'm just a regular man like yourself with 10,000 more money, intelligence and taste.
Zack: Ivy, we're smart people. So why do we always do things that make us look like we have the intelligence of beef jerky?
[from trailer] Bill Sullivan: You understand that whatever we discuss here doesn't leave this room? Edward Wilson: Of course. Bill Sullivan: The president has asked me to look into creating a foreign intelligence agency.
Dwarf Guard: Dr. Animal's intelligence goes beyond the borders of the human mind. His savagery goes beyond the borders of the animal! Joe: How could he go beyond so many borders without a passport?
Rob Moore: [while being electrocuted by the Artificial Intelligence Being] Jack, this hurts really bad! Jack Loot: Oh it's not that bad! It just feels like a deep tissue massage, except a whole lot deeper!
Angel - Tallis' Rifle: I am a Bio-Mech Systems advanced intellect super scope representing the top of the line in battlefield nano computers. I'm approximately four times as advanced as the regular police Drone and as close to artificial intelligence as you are ever likely to encounter. I receive my directions from Tallis' eyecap. If he dies I serve no purpose, so consequentially I also die.
Jack Loot: Aww come on, you look like something that's been left in the dryer for too long! You mean you're supposed to be able to do something to hurt me? Jack Loot: [Jack gets punched by the Artificial Intelligence Being and turns to Rob] Yeah... It uhh... It hurt!
Jobe Smith: You realize, Dr. Angelo, that my intelligence has surpassed yours...
[on Goddard] Capt. Sam Cahill: He gave us the best intelligence on the V.C.'s location that we ever got. Goddard: Well, what can I say? I love America. [He motions to a framed photo of Lyndon Johnson on his dashboard. Cahill picks it up and flips it over, showing a photo of Ho Chi Minh] Capt. Sam Cahill: He gave the V.C. their best intelligence on our location, too. [Cahill laughs] Goddard: What can I say? I love everybody.
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