Alistair MacLean  - Quotes

 Bowman turned his back on her and began to search the place methodically and exhaustively. When one searches any place, be it a gypsy caravan or a baronial mansion, methodically and exhaustively, one has to wreck it completely in the process.So, in a orderly and systematic fashion, Bowman set about reducing Czerda's caravan to a total ruin. 

Tags: caravan   humour   maclean   vaccares     


Alistair MacLean  - Quotes

 This won't look so good in my obituary, 

Tags: humour   maclean     
Aleister Crowley  - Quotes

 First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country. 

Tags: england   humor   humour     


Ray Bradbury  - Quotes

 I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room. 

Tags: humour   individuality     
Lewis Black  - Quotes

 Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell. 

Tags: humour   politics   religion   theology     
Roman Payne  - Quotes

 The lot of the bride

to be wed before bed

desired until rotten.

The lot of the author

to be read before bed

admired then forgotten.
 

Tags: admiration   authors   brides   desire   funny   humor   humour   marriage   payne   roman   weddings   writers     
John Lennon  - Quotes

 I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry. 

Tags: apology   beatles   humor   humour   jesus   religion     
George Carlin  - Quotes

 When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. 

Tags: babies   humour     
Lawrence Ferlinghetti  - Quotes

 If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. 

Tags: beatnik   cynical   funny   humour     
George Carlin  - Quotes

 If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

Tags: humor   humour     
George W. Bush  - Quotes

 I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. 

Tags: bushism   dumb   fish   gaffe   human   humor   humour     
Shirley Temple  - Quotes

 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 

Tags: fame   humour     
Stephen Fry  - Quotes

 I have written it before and am not ashamed to write it again. Without Wodehouse I am not sure that I would be a tenth of what I am today -- whatever that may be. In my teenage years, his writings awoke me to the possibilities of language. His rhythms, tropes, tricks and mannerisms are deep within me.

But more than that, he taught me something about good nature. It is enough to be benign, to be gentle, to be funny, to be kind.
 

Tags: goodness   humour   language   life   wodehouse   writing     
Robert Clark  - Quotes

 I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me  

Tags: health   humour   smoking     
Bill Maher  - Quotes

 You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash. 

Tags: environmentalism   humour     
Roman Payne  - Quotes

 May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him. 

Tags: dying   funny   humor   humour   living   payne   roman   widows   women     
P.D. James  - Quotes

 I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love. 

Tags: avoid   humor   humour   love   theo     
James Patterson  - Quotes

 Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf? 

Tags: humour   maximum   ride   snickers     
Terry Pratchett  - Quotes

 Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'

Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just becaouse I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'

Ha ha,' agreed Moist.

Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'

Bent slaped him on the back. Hubert coughed.

Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled.
 

Tags: humor   humour     
Greg Behrendt  - Quotes

 We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you 

Tags: dating   humor   humour   love   marriage   romance   truth     
Terry Pratchett  - Quotes

 It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,' he said. 'Have you thought of going into teaching? 

Tags: discworld   humor   humour   teaching     
Terry Pratchett  - Quotes

 There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were... what was the word... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style. 

Tags: humour   vampires     
Robert A. Heinlein  - Quotes

 Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you. 

Tags: humour   practice   skills     
Orson Welles  - Quotes

 Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. 

Tags: humourous     
P.J. O'Rourke  - Quotes

 The average IQ in America is 

Tags: averages   humour   maths     
Terry Pratchett  - Quotes

 Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography. 

Tags: geography   humor   humour     
Oscar Wilde  - Quotes

 A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. 

Tags: humour   oscar   wilde     
Will Ferguson  - Quotes

 You ever want to negotiate a hostage situation in Quebec, I'm your man. Send me in for a little parley and the francophone miscreants will flee, hands over bleeding ears. 

Tags: canada   humour   travel     
Danny Wallace  - Quotes

 At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face. 

Tags: alcohol   humour   tequila     
Dave Barry  - Quotes

 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. 

Tags: funny   humour   jokes     
Saul Bellow  - Quotes

 If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog. 

Tags: humour   jewish     
Andrea Martin  - Quotes

 Of course I 

Tags: humour   simpsons     
Raymond Chandler  - Quotes

 It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it. 

Tags: hair   humour   metaphor   simile     
Rodney Dangerfield  - Quotes

 I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says 'shut the fuck up! 

Tags: fuck   funny   humour   libraries   neighborhoods   profanity     
Stephen Fry  - Quotes

 How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail despises? 

Tags: bigotry   conservatism   humour   reactionaries     
John Kennedy Toole  - Quotes

 ...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'



What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'



Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
 

Tags: employment   humor   humour   work     
Robert Clark  - Quotes

 When asked why I don't believe in God I reply, quite simply,  

Tags: homosexuality   humour   religion   women     
John Kennedy Toole  - Quotes

 Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity. 

Tags: humor   humour     
Roman Payne  - Quotes

 In life, more than in anything else, it isn 

Tags: accidents   death   dying   funny   humor   humour   life   payne     
Terry Pratchett  - Quotes

 I'd rather be a climbing ape than a falling angel. 

Tags: humour   inspirational     
Robert Clark  - Quotes

 The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol son i recommend that young people take more drugs. 

Tags: drugs   humour     
Douglas Coupland  - Quotes

 A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, V 

Tags: aging   humour   life   philosophy     
Charles Stross  - Quotes

 Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again. 

Tags: bogons   computers   humour   idiots     
John Irving  - Quotes

 Life is serious but art is fun! 

Tags: cynicism   humour     
Agatha Christie  - Quotes

 A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep. 

Tags: deception   humour   love   lovers   sheep     
John Kennedy Toole  - Quotes

 It smells terrible in here.'



Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.
 

Tags: humor   humour   odors   smells   stink   writing     
Robert Clark  - Quotes

 I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not; women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge. 

Tags: homosexuality   humour   women     
Christopher Hitchens  - Quotes

 Very often the test of one's allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course when things are boring, to run the risk of repeating an old argument just one more time, or of going one more round with a hostile or (much worse) indifferent audience. I first became involved with the Czech opposition in 1968 when it was an intoxicating and celebrated cause. Then, during the depressing 1970s and 1980s I was a member of a routine committee that tried with limited success to help the reduced forces of Czech dissent to stay nourished (and published). The most pregnant moment of that commitment was one that I managed to miss at the time: I passed an afternoon with Zdenek Mlynar, exiled former secretary of the Czech Communist Party, who in the bleak early 1950s in Moscow had formed a friendship with a young Russian militant with an evident sense of irony named Mikhail Sergeyevitch Gorbachev. In 1988 I was arrested in Prague for attending a meeting of one of Vaclav Havel's 'Charter 77' committees. That outwardly exciting experience was interesting precisely because of its almost Zen-like tedium. I had gone to Prague determined to be the first visiting writer not to make use of the name Franz Kafka, but the numbing bureaucracy got the better of me. When I asked why I was being detained, I was told that I had no need to know the reason! Totalitarianism is itself a clich 

Tags: 1950s   1968   1970s   1980s   1988   allegiance   arguments   arrest   boredom   bureaucracy   charm   cliches   commitment   communism   czechoslovakia   detention   dissent   exile   generosity   gorbachev   history   humour   irony   kafka   loyalty   mandela   mediocrity   moscow   police   politics   prague     
Orson Scott Card  - Quotes

 Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty. 

Tags: funny   humour   stupid     
Roman Payne  - Quotes

 I was glad to be made aware

that
 

Tags: alcohol   diet   germans   humor   humour   nanny     
Christopher Hitchens  - Quotes

 As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.) 

Tags: antiwar   civilisation   courage   enemies   fathers   humour   iraq   morality   resistance   sons     
Bertrand Russell  - Quotes

 Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. 

Tags: communism   democracy   funny   humour   politics   revolution   socialism     
Douglas Adams  - Quotes

 I eventually had to go down to the cellar... 

Tags: bypass   demolition   house   humour     
P.D. James  - Quotes

 Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false. 

Tags: charm   false   genuine   humor   humour   theo     
Robert Clark  - Quotes

 I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier. 

Tags: banking   banks   humour     
Scott Lynch  - Quotes

 ... It's perfect! Locke would appreciate it. 

Tags: danger   death   gods   humour     
Connie Willis  - Quotes

 Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself? 

Tags: barbie   bellwether   fads   humour   independence     
Aleister Crowley  - Quotes

 I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them. 

Tags: humor   humour     
Peter Ustinov  - Quotes

 I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. 

Tags: culture   hell   humor   humour     
Rodney Dangerfield  - Quotes

 What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. 

Tags: funny   humour   infidelity   parenthood   parenting   sexuality     


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