Barack Obama - Quotes

 I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby. 

Tags: humor   politics     


P.G. Wodehouse - Quotes

 The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.  

Tags: golf   humor     
George W. Bush - Quotes

 I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. 

Tags: bushism   dumb   fish   gaffe   human   humor   humour     


George Carlin - Quotes

 The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Sports fans eat shit. 

Tags: humor   sports     
Stephen Colbert - Quotes

  I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. 

Tags: funny   humor     
Jason Mraz - Quotes

 You make all the fashion statements just by dressing up your mind. 

Tags: fashion   humor   intellectual     
James Patterson - Quotes

 I can talk to fish! 

Tags: books   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. 

Tags: atheism   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good! 

Tags: humor     
Charlton Heston - Quotes

 From my cold, dead hands 

Tags: humor   kindle     
John Barrowman - Quotes

 I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments. 

Tags: happiness   humor   music     
Jay Leno - Quotes

 You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.  

Tags: humor     
Shel Silverstein - Quotes

 why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.

Why try to make me like you?

Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?

Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?

Why do you scream when I do what I did?

Im a kid. 

Tags: humor   poetry     
Brandon Sanderson - Quotes

 You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.



It's really funny. 

Tags: humor   sarcasm     
Robert B Parker - Quotes

 REST IN PEACE, MR. PARKER.



'You want us to be surreptitious?' Hawk said.



'Surreptitious?' Sapp said.



'I educated in Head Start,' Hawk said.



'Really worked,' Sapp said.



'No reason to be covert,' I said.



'You too?' Sapp said.



'Nope,' I said. 'I'm a straight Anglo white guy of European ancestry. We're naturally smart.'



'You missed Bernard,' Sapp said.



'Tall straight Anglo white guy,' I said.



'Hey,' Bernard said.

 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! 

Tags: childhood   humor   playing     
Cassandra Clare - Quotes

 Lawful good to lawful evil! 

Tags: clary   humor   simon     
Peter Ustinov - Quotes

 I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. 

Tags: culture   hell   humor   humour     
Jeremy Clarkson - Quotes

 If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). 

Tags: cars   humor     
Lisa Kleypas - Quotes

 And Poppy, remember that someday you will meet a frog who will turn into a handsome prince. 

Tags: beatrix   courtship   hathaways   humor   poppy     
Abraham Lincoln - Quotes

 If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? 

Tags: humor     
Edna St. Vincent Millay - Quotes

 Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;

In my own way, and with my full consent.

Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely

Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.



Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping

I will confess; but that's permitted me;

Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping

Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.



If I had loved you less or played you slyly

I might have held you for a summer more,

But at the cost of words I value highly,

And no such summer as the one before.



Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,

I shall have only good to say of you. 

Tags: feminism   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 

Tags: fighting   humor   peace     
George Carlin - Quotes

 There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. 

Tags: humor     
Jimmy Buffett - Quotes

 It's not the books by Stephen King that I read,

I need protection from the things in my head . . . 

Tags: horror   humor     
Nikki Sixx - Quotes

 A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary

Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)



Addiction - When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.

Cocaine - Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.

Depression - When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can't seem to stop.

Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.

Psychosis - When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don't care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Tags: addiction   drugs   humor     
Jerry Seinfeld - Quotes

 Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. 

Tags: dance   humor   music   radio   shower     
Lucille Ball - Quotes

 Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

Tags: humor   humour     
Adam Rex - Quotes

 Is there a short-eared koobish, then?'

Mmmyes ...' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.'

We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. 

Tags: belief   humor     
Jerry Seinfeld - Quotes

 It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it 

Tags: america   dream   funny   humor   wealth     
George Carlin - Quotes

 How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. (on God) 

Tags: funny   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick. 

Tags: humor     
Gary Larson - Quotes

 Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion. 

Tags: cartoon   humor   satire     
Oscar Wilde - Quotes

 It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon 

Tags: humor   procrastination     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck 

Tags: humor     
Charles Bukowski - Quotes

 Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink. 

Tags: humor     
John McCain - Quotes

 I guess he believes if a lie is big enough and repeated often enough, it will be believed.

 

Tags: humorous   political     
Jane Bled - Quotes

 Humanity was a passing notion to him; something he liked to try on for size and model in the dressing room, but never actually felt compelled to buy.  

Tags: amazon   author   dark   ebook   glbt   humor   janebled   kindle   lgbt   master   vampire     
Kresley Cole - Quotes

 I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons. 

Tags: assumptions   humor     
John Wayne - Quotes

 Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid. 

Tags: humor   life     
Greg Behrendt - Quotes

 We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you 

Tags: dating   humor   humour   love   marriage   romance   truth     
Swordfish - Quotes

 Stanley:
What are you still doing here? Look, I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about all this.
Ginger:
Ok, then I'll cut to the chase. If you want a chance in hell at getting your daughter back you better listen up. Unless of course, you want to stay here, in this loser existence, while your daughter grows up to be a fluffer in her new daddy's videos.
Stanley:
With the courtesy of not confusing your own childhood with my daughter's.
 

Tags: Beginning Quotes   Chance Quotes   Childhood Quotes   Hell Quotes   Sense Of Humor Quotes     
Rick Riordan - Quotes

 She'd also called me brave... unless she was talking to the catfish. 

Tags: books   humor     
Erma Bombeck - Quotes

 There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. 

Tags: comedy   humor   hurt   laughter   pain   tragedy     
Candace Bushnell - Quotes

 Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.  

Tags: humor     
Woody Allen - Quotes

 I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. 

Tags: dirty   humor   nature     
Steven Wright - Quotes

 I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said,  

Tags: feet   humor   shoes     
Ishmael Beah - Quotes

 My conception of New York City came from rap music. I envisioned it as a place where people shot each other on the street and got away with it; no one walked on the streets, rather people drove in their sports cars looking for nightclubs and for violence. 

Tags: humor     
Christopher Hitchens - Quotes

 When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine's Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini's fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was, if I can phrase it like this, a matter of everything I hated versus everything I loved. In the hate column: dictatorship, religion, stupidity, demagogy, censorship, bullying, and intimidation. In the love column: literature, irony, humor, the individual, and the defense of free expression. Plus, of course, friendship 

Tags: atheism   bastille   bullying   censorship   demagogy   dictatorship   enlightenment   fascism   fatwa   friendship   hate   humor   individualism   intimidation   iran   irony   khomeini   literature   love   principles   religion   rushdie   stupidity   theocracy     
Stephen Fry - Quotes

 No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time. 

Tags: adolescence   complaints   humor   understanding     
Will Smith - Quotes

 We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care. 

Tags: humor   inspirational     
Mark Twain - Quotes

 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 

Tags: humor   writing     
Jerry Seinfeld - Quotes

 Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason 

Tags: humor     

Free facebook fans, followers, likes - SocialBirth.com


Quotes of the Day


Warning: mysql_query() [function.mysql-query]: Unable to save result set in /home/quotesby/public_html/right_column.php on line 117

Warning: mysql_fetch_array(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/quotesby/public_html/right_column.php on line 119

RECENT MEMBERS

all recent members

POPULAR MEMBERS

all popular members