Stephen Fry - Quotes

 Compromise is a stalling between two fools. 

Tags: compromise   foolishness   fools   humor     


Margaret Cho - Quotes

 I have so much hate that it has turned into love. 

Tags: comedy   hate   humor   love   margaret     
Jay Leno - Quotes

 Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. 

Tags: humor     


Lewis Black - Quotes

 Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain? 

Tags: atheism   atheist   humor   noremorse   religion     
Quentin Tarantino - Quotes

 You guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Giggling like a bunch of young broads in a school yard. Well, let me tell you a joke: Five guys sitting in a bull pen, San Quentin. Wondering how the fuck they got there. What'd we do wrong? What should we've done? What didn't we do? It's your fault, my fault, his fault. All that bullshit. Finally, someone comes up with the idea, wait a minute, while we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around and tell fucking jokes. Got the message? 

Tags: humor   procrastination     
Jeremy Clarkson - Quotes

 Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. 

Tags: cars   humor     
Ronald Reagan - Quotes

 I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. 

Tags: humor   politics     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Beauty is all very well at first sight; but whoever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?  

Tags: humor     
George Burns - Quotes

 Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them. 

Tags: evil   fool   humor   money   sayings   wisdom     
RuPaul - Quotes

 All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money. 

Tags: humor   money   past   present   sins   thought   truth     
Paula Deen - Quotes

 Bein' rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo' tongue fly outta yo' mouth and smack yo' brains out. 

Tags: humor   southern     
Woody Allen - Quotes

 I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. 

Tags: absurd   humor   music     
Terry Pratchett - Quotes

 Divers alarums and excursions', she read, uncertainly. 'That means lots of terrible happenings, said Magrat. 'You always put that in plays.'

Alarums and what?', said Nanny Ogg, who hadn't been listening.

Excursions', said Magrat patienly.

Oh.' Nanny Ogg brightened a bit. 'The seaside would be nice,' she said.

Oh do shut up, Gytha,' said Granny Weatherwax. 'They're not for you. They're only for divers, like it says. Probably so they can recover from all them alarums. 

Tags: humor   plays     
Helen Keller - Quotes

 The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words of

some loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures--solitude, books and imagination--outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day. 

Tags: humor     
Orlando Bloom - Quotes

 I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be? 

Tags: humor     
Kathy Griffin - Quotes

 I was raised right....to talk about people behind their backs....it's called manners.  

Tags: etiquette   humor   manners     
Shel Silverstein - Quotes

 Runny's Nicpic



One day Runny Babbit

Met little Franny Fog.

He said,  

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. 

Tags: humor   school     
George Carlin - Quotes

 To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the

existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far

more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped

and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the

world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced

military and civilian radar operators.>> 

Tags: humor   religion     
Fran Lebowitz - Quotes

 In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.  

Tags: algebra   education   humor   mathematics     
Barack Obama - Quotes

 My little girls can break my heart. They can make me cry just looking at them eating their string beans. 

Tags: humor     
P.G. Wodehouse - Quotes

 I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so. 

Tags: attraction   brains   evolution   humor   intelligence   love   marriage   mating   stupidity     
Nicholas Sparks - Quotes

 Mom says it's because she has PMS.

-Do you even know what that means?

-I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at-men syndrome. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. 

Tags: humor     
Craig Ferguson - Quotes

 On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn 

Tags: celebrities   humor   music     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. 

Tags: humor   life   school     
Jerry Seinfeld - Quotes

 You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day 

Tags: humor     
Suzanne Collins - Quotes

 ...I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite. 

Tags: humor   rebellion     
Stephen Colbert - Quotes

 Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) 

Tags: humor   politics     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the r 

Tags: atheism   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.



Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I'm in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century. I'm not someone who buys into all that 'New South' shit you hear; I judge a place by the number of lynchings they've had, overall. 

Tags: humor   south     
Carol Burnett - Quotes

 No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful. 

Tags: humor   inspirational     
Barack Obama - Quotes

 Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been to fifty-seven states. I think, one left to go. 

Tags: humor   politics     
Anne Rice - Quotes

 A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note,' he said, 'but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor. 

Tags: glass   humor   lestat   logic   luxury   meaning   reason   singer   vampire     
Robin McKinley - Quotes

 She had always suffered from vague restlessness, a longing for adventure that she told herself severly was the result of reading too many novels when she was a small child. 

Tags: adventure   humor     
Tom Jones - Quotes

 You're...standing...in...my...KUMQUATS! 

Tags: humor     
Ogden Nash - Quotes

 Parsley is gharsley. 

Tags: food   humor   parsley     
David Cross - Quotes

 I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring

it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but

the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are

five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the

word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali.

Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far

away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather

never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain. 

Tags: humor     
Charles Dickens - Quotes

 Meow says the cat ,quack says the duck , Bow wow wow says the dog !

Grrrr !!!

-Mr. Boffin 

Tags: favorite   humor     
Charles Dickens - Quotes

 She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house.How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highky connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea. 

Tags: funny   humor     
Jerry Seinfeld - Quotes

 Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.  

Tags: humor     
George Lucas - Quotes

 Do or do not; there is no try. 

Tags: humor   inspirational   jedi   life   philosophy     
Glenn Beck - Quotes

 You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away to defend them or to spend your way out of debt defies common sense. 

Tags: humor   political     
Paris Hilton - Quotes

 Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?

 

Tags: humor   silly     
Roger Zelazny - Quotes

 Good evening, Lord Corwin,' said the lean, cadaverous figure who rested against a storage rack, smoking his pipe, grinning around it.

Good evening, Roger. How are things in the nether world?'

A rat, a bat, a spider. Nothing much else astir. Peaceful.'

You enjoy this duty?'

He nodded.

I am writing a philosophical romance shot through with elements of horror and morbidity. I work on those parts down here. 

Tags: humor   writing     
Fran Lebowitz - Quotes

 Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz



 

Tags: humor     
David Gilmour - Quotes

 I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one. 

Tags: humor   insight     
George Carlin - Quotes

 A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. 

Tags: humor   politics     
Frank Beddor - Quotes

 And even, if circumstances required, a contingency plan for his contingency plan's contingency plan. 

Tags: arch   circumstances   contingency   glass   humor   looking   plan   redd   seeing   wars   weird     
Homer Simpson - Quotes

 Worst day of your life so far 

Tags: funny   homer   humor   simpsons     
Douglas Adams - Quotes

 It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see...'

You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?'

No', said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, 'nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people.'

Odd', said Arthur, 'I thought you said it was a democracy.'

I did', said Ford. 'It is.'

So', said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, 'why don't people get rid of the lizards?'

It honestly doesn't occur to them', said Ford. 'They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want.'

You mean they actually vote for the lizards?'

Oh yes', said Ford with a shrug, 'of course.'

But', said Arthur, going for the big one again, 'why?'

Because if they didn't vote for a lizard', said Ford, 'the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?'

What?'

I said', said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, 'have you got any gin?'

I'll look. Tell me about the lizards.'

Ford shrugged again.

Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happenned to them', he said. 'They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it.'

But that's terrible', said Arthur.

Listen, bud', said Ford, 'if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say  

Tags: humor     
Chase Brooks - Quotes

 Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night and cries when it isn 

Tags: crazy   drunk   humor   needy   relationships     
Michael Scott - Quotes

 Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever. No matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... EVER. For any reason whatsoever. 

Tags: funny   humor   office     
George Carlin - Quotes

 How is it possible to have a civil war? 

Tags: funny   humor     
Jeremy Clarkson - Quotes

 No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. 

Tags: cars   humor     
Garrison Keillor - Quotes

 You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog 

Tags: humor     
John Lennon - Quotes

 I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry. 

Tags: apology   beatles   humor   humour   jesus   religion     
Kurt Cobain - Quotes

 I won't eat anything green. 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. 

Tags: driving   humor   killing   subways     
Carrie Fisher - Quotes

 Karl Marx:  

Tags: acting   addiction   alcoholism   celebrities   fiction   humor   play   producing   recovery   rehab   screenwriting   writing     

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