Quotes and Sayings about humor

Humor Topics

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

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My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.

Tags: humor lyrics music

I've changed my plea to guilty, because freedom is wasted on me.

See how your rules spoil the game!

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I used to dream, and I used to vow;

I wouldn't dream of it now.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Tags: comedy encouragement humor

Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.

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To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.

Tags: humor love lyrics music

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Tags: funny humor

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

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I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

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I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

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My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

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Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

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We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

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Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don't say that to be mean- I don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend to this day I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there.. and it was amazingly strong. -Thirteen Reasons Why

Tags: humor love romance teenagers

You know what truth is? [...] It's some crazy thing my neighbor believes. If I want to make friends with him, I ask him what he believes. He tells me, and I say,

Tags: humor

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

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Written on her tombstone:

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Jamie: So, would it kill you to try?

Landon: Yup, and I'm too young to die.

Tags: humor movie

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest:

Tags: alcohol carlin funny george humor laugh

You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.

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The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.

Tags: death humor

Who are you and how did you get in here?

Tags: comedy funny humor locksmith

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Tags: humor sleep

I picture my epitaph: 'Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown.

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Even I, as sick as I am, I would never be you.

Even I, sick and depraved, a traveler to the grave, I would never be you.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no

Tags: comedy funny humor noremorse

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

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Don't chew on it. Don't even let it touch your teeth. Above all, don't let it stick to the roof of your mouth. Oh, God, you did it. You let it happen. God is stuck to the roof of your mouth. How are you going to get Him off? You have to get this off and swallow it. What if it just gets hard and stays there? You can't walk around for the rest of the day with God in your mouth. Oh, God. Melt, melt.

Tags: humor religion

Sometimes people are layered like that. There

Tags: humor

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is

Tags: humor religion

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Tags: humor political religion

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

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I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.

Tags: faith fool humor

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

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Twat is twat and that is that.

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Sane is boring.

Tags: boring crazy funny humor jarlaxle salvatore sane

I can see Russia from my window

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Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Tags: humor truth

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,

Tags: humor

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform...and so you think you can be rude to me.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.

Tags: humor lyrics music

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To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

Tags: hell humor living work

Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam.

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Why do you have to be so annoying sometimes?

Tags: annoying company humor

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

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I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

Tags: humor politics

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

Tags: exercise family grandmothers grandparents humor walking

If you put that straight jacket on me, I am going to pull your endocrine system out of your body.

Tags: humor

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

Tags: humor whores

Honesty may be the best policy, but it

Tags: funny honesty humor truth

Door: Why it's simply impassible!

Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?

Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!

Tags: alice door funny humor

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

Tags: humor religion

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Tags: humor

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say?

Tags: humor prayer religion

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Humor Topics

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