Chelsea Handler - Quotes

 Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. 

Tags: drinking   humor     


Patricia Briggs - Quotes

 Women are sneaky. 

Tags: humor   women     
Audrey Hepburn - Quotes

 I hate girls that giggle all the time...

You hate any girl that David looks at. 

Tags: humor     


Morrissey - Quotes

 The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time. 

Tags: humor   lyrics   music     
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Quotes

 A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.  

Tags: humor   sarcasm   wisdom     
Ralph Waldo Emerson - Quotes

 There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes. 

Tags: dogs   fashion   humor   respect     
Billy Ray Cyrus - Quotes

 He'll get tired of chasing someone who doesn't chase back! 

Tags: humor     
Winston Churchill - Quotes

 The British nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst. 

Tags: british   humor     
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Quotes

 Macho does not prove mucho. 

Tags: humor     
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Quotes

 I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

 

Tags: funny   humor   relationships     
Louis C.K. - Quotes

 When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. 

Tags: humor     
Margaret Thatcher - Quotes

 I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. 

Tags: humor   inspirational   wisdom     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable 

Tags: humor     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell. 

Tags: humor   shakespeare     
Katt Williams - Quotes

 Did you know that I can see you? 

Tags: humor     
Chelsea Handler - Quotes

 He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week. 

Tags: humor     
Kurt Cobain - Quotes

 Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice? 

Tags: cobain   humor   kurt   nirvana   perfect   practic     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Therefore was I created with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them. But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear. My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better. 

Tags: humor   love     
Morrissey - Quotes

 You don't like me, but you love me; either way, you're wrong. 

Tags: humor   life   love   lyrics   music     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Cleopatra: For what good turn?

Messenger: For the best turn of the bed. 

Tags: humor     
Lady GaGa - Quotes

 I had a boyfriend who told me I 

Tags: boyfriend   fame   grammy   humor   music   relationship     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers. 

Tags: food   humor     
Bill Gates - Quotes

 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. 

Tags: humor   work     
Chelsea Handler - Quotes

 There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. 

Tags: alcohol   drinking   drinks   humor     
John Lennon - Quotes

 You can manicure a cat but can you caticure a man? 

Tags: humor   lennon     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 You have her father's love demetrious, do you marry him. 

Tags: humor     
Goldie Hawn - Quotes

 Comedy breaks down walls. It frees us for just a moment from the ugliness of this world. 

Tags: humor     
Z.A. Maxfield - Quotes

 I'm so sorry, 

Tags: humor     
Megan McCafferty - Quotes

 You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality. 

Tags: humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 Tried living in the real world instead of a shell; but I was bored before I even began. 

Tags: humor   life   lyrics   music     
Stephen Colbert - Quotes

 Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. 

Tags: humor     
Lauren Conrad - Quotes

 Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with 

Tags: celebrities   humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 And make no mistake, my friend, your pointless life will end; but before you go, can you look at the truth? 

Tags: humor   life   lyrics   music     
Morrissey - Quotes

 The woman of my dreams - she never came along.

The woman of my dreams - well, there never was one. 

Tags: humor   lyrics   music     
Chelsea Handler - Quotes

 The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, andwondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world amoung his compatriots. I'm not a finicky personwhen it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselces to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock. 

Tags: humor     
Djuna Barnes - Quotes

 Her heavy peasant face was fringed by a bang of red hair like a woollen table-spread, a colour at once strange and attractive, an obstinate colour, a colour that seemed to make Lena feel something alien and bad-tempered had settled over her forehead... 

Tags: alien   color   humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 These tears I'm wailing,

I spill not without reason.

Remove them, my dearest love.

Take me to the place I've been dreaming of,

where the grotesquely lonely

meet the grotesquely lonely

and they whisper,

just very softly,

Please be mine, Dearest Love. 

Tags: humor   love   lyrics   music     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 He kills her in her own humor. 

Tags: humor   shakespeare     
Aleister Crowley - Quotes

 First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country. 

Tags: england   humor   humour     
Theodore Roosevelt - Quotes

 90% of the work in this country is done

by people who don't feel good 

Tags: humor     
Teri Hatcher - Quotes

 I dream that someone will love me as a person so wholly that it won't matter whether I have gray pubic hair or sagging breast. 

Tags: humor   inspirational     
Morrissey - Quotes

 Close your eyes, and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you. 

Tags: humor   love   lyrics   music     
George Carlin - Quotes

 The reason I talk to myself is because I 

Tags: humor   insanity   lies   lying   truth     
Daniel Tosh - Quotes

 Try to be sad on a wave runner, you cant. You smile as you're hitting the peir. 

Tags: comedy   humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME! 

Tags: humor   life   love   lyrics   music     
Chelsea Handler - Quotes

 We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized

biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first

book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure. 

Tags: humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out - Thank you, drop dead! 

Tags: humor   life   lyrics   music     
Steve Harvey - Quotes

 The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy. 

Tags: humor     
Jon Stewart - Quotes

 Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively. 

Tags: christianity   humor   religion     
Stieg Larsson - Quotes

 Kalle Fucking Blomkvist 

Tags: humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 What year did Jesus think it was? 

Tags: christianity   humor   religion   time     
Thomas Dekker - Quotes

 Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thy

friends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it...

deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,

a cooling fan of feathers. 

Tags: beauty   hair   humor     
Morrissey - Quotes

 There are some bad people on the rise;

they're saving their own skins by ruining people's lives. 

Tags: humor   lyrics   music     
Morrissey - Quotes

 I was driving my car, I crashed and broke my spine. So yes there are things worse in life than never being someone's sweetie. 

Tags: crashing   humor   inspirational     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear.



-Hamlet 

Tags: fools   humor   ignorance   intelligence   wisdom     
Barbara Walters - Quotes

 There was something else that [Christopher] Reeve told me privately, off camera, and it made me grin. While he was lying in the hospital, just becoming conscious with tubes connected to all parts of his body, a doctor in a white coat came in and with a Russian accent, commanded:  

Tags: humor   inspirational     
Morrissey - Quotes

 Disappointment came to me,

and booted me,

and bruised and hurt me,

but that's how people grow up. 

Tags: humor   life   lyrics   music     
Morrissey - Quotes

 Don't leave it all unsaid,

somewhere in the wasteland of your head. 

Tags: humor   life   lyrics   music     
Morrissey - Quotes

 I can chase you, and I can catch you,

but there is nothing I can do to make you mine. 

Tags: humor   life   love   lyrics   music     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? 

Tags: humor     


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