Quotes and Sayings about humor

Humor Topics

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Tags: drinking humor

Women are sneaky.

Tags: humor women

I hate girls that giggle all the time...

You hate any girl that David looks at.

Tags: humor

The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time.

Tags: humor lyrics music

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

Tags: dogs fashion humor respect

The British nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

Tags: british humor

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Tags: humor sarcasm wisdom

He'll get tired of chasing someone who doesn't chase back!

Tags: humor

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

Tags: humor inspirational wisdom

Comedy breaks down walls. It frees us for just a moment from the ugliness of this world.

Tags: humor

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Tags: funny humor relationships

When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Tags: humor

Macho does not prove mucho.

Tags: humor

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Tags: cobain humor kurt nirvana perfect practic

Her heavy peasant face was fringed by a bang of red hair like a woollen table-spread, a colour at once strange and attractive, an obstinate colour, a colour that seemed to make Lena feel something alien and bad-tempered had settled over her forehead...

Tags: alien color humor

90% of the work in this country is done

by people who don't feel good

Tags: humor

Did you know that I can see you?

Tags: humor

What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.

Tags: humor shakespeare

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality.

Tags: humor

In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.

Tags: books humor olympians

Nothing is so common as the desire to be remarkable

Tags: humor

You don't like me, but you love me; either way, you're wrong.

Tags: humor life love lyrics music

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Tags: humor work

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Tags: humor

Therefore was I created with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them. But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear. My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better.

Tags: humor love

I had a boyfriend who told me I

Tags: boyfriend fame grammy humor music relationship

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

Tags: food humor

Cleopatra: For what good turn?

Messenger: For the best turn of the bed.

Tags: humor

And make no mistake, my friend, your pointless life will end; but before you go, can you look at the truth?

Tags: humor life lyrics music

You can manicure a cat but can you caticure a man?

Tags: humor lennon

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Tags: alcohol drinking drinks humor

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, andwondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world amoung his compatriots. I'm not a finicky personwhen it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselces to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

Tags: humor

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell; but I was bored before I even began.

Tags: humor life lyrics music

I'm so sorry,

Tags: humor

The woman of my dreams - she never came along.

The woman of my dreams - well, there never was one.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Tags: humor

I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow and to the republicans for which they scam one nacho, underpants with licorice and jugs of wine for owls.

Tags: humor

Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with

Tags: celebrities humor

You have her father's love demetrious, do you marry him.

Tags: humor

These tears I'm wailing,

I spill not without reason.

Remove them, my dearest love.

Take me to the place I've been dreaming of,

where the grotesquely lonely

meet the grotesquely lonely

and they whisper,

just very softly,

Please be mine, Dearest Love.

Tags: humor love lyrics music

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

Tags: humor

There's so much destruction all over the world - and all you can do is complain about ME!

Tags: humor life love lyrics music

I dream that someone will love me as a person so wholly that it won't matter whether I have gray pubic hair or sagging breast.

Tags: humor inspirational

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Tags: christianity humor religion

Try to be sad on a wave runner, you cant. You smile as you're hitting the peir.

Tags: comedy humor

Close your eyes, and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you.

Tags: humor love lyrics music

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

Tags: humor inspirational

He kills her in her own humor.

Tags: humor shakespeare

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country.

Tags: england humor humour

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Tags: humor inspirational

The reason I talk to myself is because I

Tags: humor insanity lies lying truth

There was something else that [Christopher] Reeve told me privately, off camera, and it made me grin. While he was lying in the hospital, just becoming conscious with tubes connected to all parts of his body, a doctor in a white coat came in and with a Russian accent, commanded:

Tags: humor inspirational

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out - Thank you, drop dead!

Tags: humor life lyrics music

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.

Tags: humor

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized

biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first

book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

Tags: humor

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thy

friends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it...

deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,

a cooling fan of feathers.

Tags: beauty hair humor

I was driving my car, I crashed and broke my spine. So yes there are things worse in life than never being someone's sweetie.

Tags: crashing humor inspirational

There are some bad people on the rise;

they're saving their own skins by ruining people's lives.

Tags: humor lyrics music

Don't leave it all unsaid,

somewhere in the wasteland of your head.

Tags: humor life lyrics music

Disappointment came to me,

and booted me,

and bruised and hurt me,

but that's how people grow up.

Tags: humor life lyrics music

Humor Topics

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