Charlie Kaufman:
We open on Charlie Kaufman. Fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant, across from Valerie Thomas, a lovely, statuesque film executive. Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment, wanting to impress her, sweats profusely. Fat, bald Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his hand held tape recorder, and he says: "Charlie Kaufman. Fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits at a Hollywood restaurant with Valerie Thomas".
Dr. Neil Miller:
[in a light-hearted phychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin:
[sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women... [honestly]
Scott Calvin:
I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller:
What book?
Scott Calvin:
[sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives." [Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]
Scott Calvin:
[honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
Steve:
[playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Ooh! Ooh! Um... Rosie O'Donnell! Tell him to get Rosie!
Kenneth:
Ooh, yeah! Rosie!
Tucker:
Nah, too easy! Give 'em something hard.
Ana:
You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?
Steve:
Hey, sweetheart, let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission, I ever turn into one of those things... do me a favor, blow my fuckin' head off.
Ana:
[nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that!
