Eddie:
In the Middle Ages everyone really had to worry about witches and goblins, but what we have is stuff eating at us. We've got stuff we don't even... I mean, why do you think that all the warlords of the world are so anxious to get their own personal little stash of chemical weapons. They call them weapons of mass destruction, but they're not. They're very *very* selective about what they destroy. They annihilate people and preserve things. They love things. You and I would be dead, gas... puke... gone. Whereas, you know, other earlier older people - the ancients - could look to the heavens, which in their minds was inhabited by this thoughtful, meditative, you know, maybe a trifle unpredictable and wrathful, but nevertheless up there - this divine onlooker. We've got anchorpersons and talking heads. We've got politicians who decide life and death issues on the basis of their media concerns. That's what we've got.
Canton:
[Captain Atherton has just been eaten by one of the monsters] I'm beginning to fear that our friends here may be some kind of strange offshoot of the Archaea Ottoia family.
Pantucci:
The Ottoia family, to think I was startin' to worry.
Canton:
At 4,000 feet the Ottoia are only as long as a pencil, with bodies about the size of a golf ball. But those at 20,000 feet have been known to eat full grown sharks! At 30,000 or 40,000 feet... [to Pantucci]
Canton:
Well you do the math.
Trillian St. James:
This is not good.
Pantucci:
Are we talkin' some kind of mutated sea monsters here?
Mason:
Who gives a shit what they are? Just tell us how to kill these motherfuckers.
Canton:
The Ottoia are very crafty. They hide in burrows, catch their victims with spiny tentacles, then they crush them between massive jaws.
Trillian St. James:
Then they eat you, right?
Canton:
No, they drink you. They drink you alive. Sucking all the fluids out of the body before excreting the skeletal remains.
[about the velociraptors]
Dr. Alan Grant:
What's their growth rate?
Muldoon:
They're lethal at eight months, and I do mean lethal. I've hunted most things that can hunt you, but the way these things move...
Dr. Alan Grant:
Fast for a biped?
Muldoon:
Cheetah speed. Fifty, sixty miles an hour if they ever got out into the open, and they're astonishing jumpers...
John Hammond:
Yes, yes, yes. That's why we're taking extraordinary precautions. [to Ellie]
John Hammond:
The viewing area is over there, and...
Dr. Alan Grant:
Do they show intelligence?
Muldoon:
They show extraordinary intelligence, even problem-solving. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one... when she looks at you, you can tell she's working things out.
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen:
You owe me money, blacksmith.
Doc:
How do ya figure?
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen:
My horse threw a shoe. And seein' as you was the one that done the shoein', I say that makes you responsible.
Doc:
Well, since you never paid me for the job, I say that makes us even!
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen:
Wrong! See I was *on* my horse when it threw the shoe and I got throwed *off*! And *that* caused me to bust a perfectly good bottle of fine Kentucky red-eye. So, the way I figure it, blacksmith, you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.
Marty McFly:
[hoarsely] That's the $80.
Doc:
Look! If your horse threw a shoe, bring him back and I'll reshoe him!
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen:
I done shot that horse!
Doc:
Well, that's your problem, Tannen!
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen:
Wrong! That's yours. So, from now on, you better be lookin' behind you when you walk. 'Cause one day you're gonna get a bullet in your back. [Buford and his gang gallop away on their horses]
Queen Adelaide:
You'll have to decide on a husband soon. What about Leopold's candidate?
Queen Victoria:
I can't marry the man they want me to marry.
Queen Adelaide:
Every suitor will come with strings attached.
Queen Victoria:
Can't I be my own mistress for a while, haven't I earnt it? Dear Lord M, he's so very kind, I couldn't have asked for a better tutor.
Queen Adelaide:
You may dream of independence, but you won't get it. From now on, everyone will push and pull you for their own advantage, Melbourne more than the rest. Just remember, you are the queen. He's a politician. And politicians, whatever their creed, always resent the monarchy. They pass through, you stay. So just keep dear Lord M in his proper sphere.
Queen Victoria:
He's already chosen the new household.
Flanagan:
Fucking black people, huh?
Graham:
What did you just say?
Flanagan:
I mean, I know all the sociological reasons why, per capita eight times more black men are incarcerated than white men... Schools are a disgrace, lack of opportunity, bias in the judicial system, all that stuff... But still... but still, it's... it's gotta get to you, I mean, on a gut level, as a black man. They just can't keep their hands out of the cookie jar.
David:
I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer:
Well, why don't you get her back right now?
David:
Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer:
It sounds horrible.
David:
Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.
Simon 'Sez' Simone:
These are the rules of comedy. Ok? For instance: right place wrong time - funny. Wrong place right time - funny. Wrong place wrong time - not funny! Stupid - funny, retarded - not funny! Fat - funny, bald - funny, hair - not funny. But, toupees and wigs - very funny, don't ask me why! Falling down - it's funny. Old is funny. Grandpa - funny, grandma - funny. Grandpa gettin' whacked in the crotch - funny. Grandma gettin' whacked in the crotch - not funny, but, grandma gettin' whacked in the head - very funny, don't ask me why! Farting is always funny, farting at inopportune times - killer funny. Pets, peeing on their owners - funny. Owners peeing on their pets - not funny. But bodily functions, by pets and people, in general - very funny, all the time, don't ask me why!
Ron White:
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. [Takes breath]
Ron White:
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand. [pause]
Ron White:
Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff:
Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White:
If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. [Confused, stupid look]
Ron White:
And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
[after their narrow escape, Izzy cheers wildly, then rounds on O'Connell]
Izzy:
[furious] O'Connell, you almost got me killed!
Rick:
[shrugs weakly] At least you didn't get shot. [Izzy is about to say more, when Evie grabs him and smothers his face with kisses]
Evelyn:
Izzy, thank you! Thank you!
Izzy:
[considerably more mellow] O'Connell, who the hell you been messing with this time, huh?
Rick:
Oh, you know, the usual. Mummies, pygmies, big bugs.
Stanley Cunningham:
Philadelphia is one of the oldest cities in this country. A lot of generations have lived here and died here. Almost any place you go in this city has a history and a story behind it. Even this school and the grounds it sits on. Can anyone guess what this building was used for a hundred years ago, before you went to this school, before I went to this school? Yes, Cole?
Cole Sear:
They used to hang people here.
Stanley Cunningham:
No, uh, that, mm-mm, that's not correct. Uh, where'd you hear that?
Cole Sear:
They'd pull the people in, crying and kissing their families 'bye. People watching would spit at them.
Stanley Cunningham:
Uh, Cole, this, this building was a legal courthouse. Laws were passed here. Some of the very first laws of this country. This whole building was full of, uh, lawyers, uh, lawmakers.
Cole Sear:
They were the ones that hanged everybody.
Interviewer:
Sir, how often should one evacuate one's bowels?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
One should never, ever, interrupt one's desire to defecate. I have inquired at the Bronx and London Zoos as to the daily bowel evacuations of primates. It is not once, twice, or three times, sir, but four. At the end of an average day, their cages are filled with a veritable mountain of natural health.
Interviewer:
And, sex?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sex is the sewer drain of a healthy body, sir! Any use of the sexual act other than procreation is a waste of vital energy! Wasted seeds are wasted lives!
Interviewer:
Uh, eating meat?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
"He that killeth the ox is as if he slew a man." Each juicy morsel of meat is alive, and swarming with the same filth as found in the carcass of a dead rat. Meat eaters, sir, are drowning in a tide of gore. What is a sausage? A sausage is an indigestible balloon of decayed beef, riddled with tuberculosis. Eat and die! For I have seen many a repentant meat glutton his body full of uric acid and remorse, his soul adrift on the raft in the ocean of poisonous slime, sloshin' against the walls of the body's kitchen.
Interviewer:
Smoking?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The liver is the only thing standing between the smoker and death! Also certain other things have to be avoided... like, uh, feather beds, and romantic novels... and the, uh, touching of one's organs. Masturbation is the silent killer of the night! The vilest sin of self-pollution! It is the sin of Onan!
Interviewer:
Uh, Dr. Kellogg, how did you come to invent the corn flake?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
The corn flake, sir, is just one of my 75 creations for heathy livin', among them peanut butter and the electric blanket.
Interviewer:
And what about your imitators? There are 103 other corn flakes presently being manufactured here in Battle Creek!
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
Sir, corn is the injuns gift to the new world, and the corn flake is my gift to the entire world.
Interviewer:
And what do you think about your brother?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg:
My brother, W.K. Kellogg, worked for me as a low-paid assistant for many years. Now he's off on his own and amassin' fortunes with my corn flake invention. Unfortunately, he has chosen the family name to promote it. But the whole world knows only one Kellogg: me, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg! Surgeon, inventor, author, and crusader for biological livin'! I do not seek monetary rewards, for I am called to a greater glory. Here at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, the spirits soar, the mind is educated, and the bowels - -the bowels are born again!
Alfred Borden:
He's prograsive, he's predictable, he's boring. I mean, Milton's got success, whatever that means, and now he's scared, he won't take any risks at all. I mean, he's squandering the goodwill of the audience with these tired, second-rate tricks...
Robert Angier:
They're all favorites, please...
Alfred Borden:
Favorites? come on, give me something fresh, he wont even try a bloody bullet catch!
Cutter:
A bullet-catch is suicide, all it takes is some smart-ass volunteer to put a button in the barrel
Alfred Borden:
Fine, use a plant!
Robert Angier:
You can't use plants for every trick!
Julia McCullough:
There'll be no seats left for the punters! [laughs]
Alfred Borden:
Fine, no bullet-catch, whatever, but the point is... a real magician, tries to invent something new, that other magicians are gonna scratch their heads over, you know?
Cutter:
Right, then you sell it to him for a small fortune?
Alfred Borden:
Alright...
Cutter:
I suppose you have such a trick?
Alfred Borden:
Actually, I do.
