Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet? Elias: Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants. Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants? Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. [Randal stares] Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll? [scoffs] Elias: Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex? Randal Graves: ...Sure. Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex. Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this? Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend. Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet? Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend. Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it? Elias: [shakes head] Women.
Andrew: I would love to believe in a universe where you wake up and don't have to to go to work and you step outside and meet two beautiful 18-year-old sister who are also girlfriends and are also very nice people.
Mitch Robbins: Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
James Leer: You're mad at me, aren't you? You're mad because I shot your girlfriend's dog. Grady Tripp: It wasn't her dog, it was her husband's... [looking at James] Grady Tripp: Who said anything about a girlfriend? James Leer: [smiling back] Grady Tripp: Okay, James, I wish you hadn't shot my girlfriends dog. Even though Poe and I were not exactly what you'd call simpatico that's no reason he should've taken two in the chest
[Carl is walking past inmates on his way out of prison] Inmate: Carl, my man! Carl: Keep the faith, brothers! I'll look up on your wives and girlfriends and let 'em know you miss 'em! Inmate: FUCK YOU! Carl: ...not anymore.
Michael Makeshift: I saw two of my ex-girlfriends on Oprah. One had become a man. The other was dating him.
Linda: This is not your house, Doyle. This is my house and I decide who goes and who stays. You got a house, why don't you get some of your girlfriends and go home to it? Doyle: You know better than to talk to me like that when I'm hurtin', Linda. Don't make me knock the piss outta you. Vaughan: Don't you touch her. Doyle: That's funny, Vaughan. Linda, go to bed and take little snot-nose here with you. Linda: You're not staying here tonight. Go get sober before you come back, I'm tired of my child seeing this. Now you get your ass straight or I'll lock your ass out of my life for good. Doyle: If you even think about leaving me, Linda, I told you: I'm gonna kill you deader than a door nail. Linda: That might be better than this.
Debbie Jones: My mom killed one of my dad's girlfriends and shot my dad. That doesn't mean I'm not standing by her.
Stanny: I'll tell ya why we don't have girlfriends in three words: Women. Are. Morons.
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