Buzz McCallister: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I'd like to apologize to my family for whatever displeasure I may have caused you... Kevin McCallister: What? Buzz McCallister: My prank was immature and ill-timed. Uncle Frank McCallister: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-darn hilarious. [laughs; everyone else glares] Buzz McCallister: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.
Judge Rosaria: [on a taped conversation between Gwen and Hammond] ... This is going to air on tonight's news. Would someone care to explain where it came from? Danielle Kline: Don't look at me. You think, if I had that, I'd just sit on it? Merle Hammond: This whole thing is a setup! Danielle Kline: Setup for what, Merle? Did you announce, beforehand, that you intended to trash the entire jury system? Merle Hammond: That's a little disingenuous, don't you think? Gwen Saticoy: Your Honor, if I had planned on taping him, I would have started it as soon as we got in the car... not when we were almost at the Osborne Farm. Judge Rosaria: Anyone who's ever argued in my courtroom knows how much I hate surprises. And when something like THIS falls anonymously out of the sky, I get REALLY angry. Before we proceed with this trial, and consume any more of the "dumb" jury's time, I recommend counsel rethink their approach. I'm going to lunch. Miss Saticoy, I suggest you do the same. [she leaves] Danielle Kline: [leaving with Gwen] Call me when you two GENTLEMEN have the plea terms worked out. Merle Hammond: I *forbid* you to plead this case out! Hammond's lawyer: Fine. I'm sure, when all the "sheep" in the jury box hear this tape, they'll immediately sympathize with your ordeal and convict Gwen. Merle Hammond: You're assuming the jurors pay attention to the news, much less this case. That woman is guilty! She kidnapped me and everyone knows it! Hammond's lawyer: You just don't get it, do you? If you let this thing play out any longer than it has to, you're gonna find the word "UNEMPLOYABLE" stamped across your forehead in big red letters. You think that's ridiculous, huh? Who's gonna recommend a lawyer who took a dump all over the entire jury pool of the western world? I'm telling you, stop now and cut your losses.
Nick Naylor: Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organizing that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; twelve hundred people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor the face of cigarettes, the colonel sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were gonna claim cigarettes were not addictive they better have proof. This is the man they rely on, Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany. I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius, he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel. Well you know without all the espionage. Most importantly we got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a baccalaureate in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl, I'm him on crack.
Richard Jeni: Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt." How hard can that be? I don't even have a law degree and I think *I* could get Michael Jackson, y'know? I would just go "ladies and gentlemen of the jury... there he is! That's all I have. Y'all get a good look at my boy? See if you think he's capable of anything out of the ordinary. There he is." But it's a tough thing to prosecute Michael Jackson, y'know? Because everyone's entitled to a jury of their peers! You could run the vaccuum up and down the gene pool 24/7 without suckin' up *this* much of whatever *that* has become. He has no peers. He's peerless. So why am I pickin' on poor little mutated Michael Jackson? Because Michael Jackson is a cautionary tale for the rest of us, folks. Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart: You wish to see me, sir? General Robert E. Lee: [Lee nods and sighs; there is a short pause] It is the opinion of some... excellent officers that you have let us all down. Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart: [angry at the slight to his honor] General Lee, sir, if you will please tell me who these gentlemen are... General Robert E. Lee: There will be none of that. There is no time. Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart: Sir, I only ask that I be allowed to defend my... General Robert E. Lee: [raising his voice slightly] There is no time. [Stuart looks stunned] General Robert E. Lee: General Stuart... your mission was to free this army from the enemy cavalry and report any movement by the enemy's main body. That mission was not fulfilled. You left here with no word of your movement or movement of the enemy for several days. Meanwhile, we were engaged here and drawn into battle without adequate knowledge of the enemy's strength or position, without knowledge of the ground. So it is only by God's grace that we did not meet disaster here. Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart: General Lee, there were reasons... General Robert E. Lee: [Lee holds up his hand to silence Stuart] Perhaps you misunderstood my orders? Perhaps I did not make myself clear. Well, sir... this must be made *very* clear. You, sir, with your cavalry, are the eyes of this army. Without your cavalry, we are made blind. That has already happened once. It must never, *never* happen again. Maj. Gen. J.E.B. Stuart: [Stuart stares at the floor, then slowly draws his sword in token of his resignation] Sir... since I no longer hold the General's... General Robert E. Lee: [suddenly furious, Lee pounds the table with his fist] I have *told* you, there is no time for that! There is no time! [he pauses, takes a deep breath, and calms down again] General Robert E. Lee: There is another fight comin' tomorrow, and we need you. We need every man, God knows. You must take what I have told you, and learn from it, as a man does. [he takes Stuart's sword and replaces it in its scabbard] General Robert E. Lee: There has been a mistake. It will not happen again; I know your quality. You are one of the finest cavalry officers I have ever known, and your service to this army has been invaluable. Now... let us speak no more of this. [he turns and slowly walks away, then turns back to Stuart] General Robert E. Lee: The matter is concluded. Good night, General. [not knowing what to think of this show of mercy, Stuart snaps a crisp salute, and Lee returns it]
Bob Pigeon: Scott. When you inherit your fortune, on your twenty-first birthday, let's see... how far away is this? Scott Favor: One week away, Bob, just one more week. Bob Pigeon: Let's not call ourselves robbers, but Diana's foresters. Gentlemen of the shade. Minions of the Moon. Men of good government. Scott Favor: [under his breath] When I turn twenty-one, I don't want any more of this life. My mother and father will be surprised at the incredible change. It will impress them more when such a fuck-up like me turns good than if I had been a good son all along. All the past years I will think of as one big vacation. At least it wasn't as boring as schoolwork. All my bad behavior I'm going to throw away to pay my debt. I will change when everybody expects it the least.
Lewis: You are, all of you, amateurs. And international affairs should never be run by gentlemen amateurs. Do you have any idea of what sort of place the world is becoming all around you? The days when you could just act out of your noble instincts, are over. Europe has become the arena of realpolitik, the politics of reality. If you like: real politics. What you need is not gentlemen politicians, but real ones. You need professionals to run your affairs, or you're headed for disaster!
[Addressing the jury in summation] Bobby DeLaughter: Today, thirty years later, I'm asking you twelve ladies and gentlemen to act boldly; to hold this defendant accountable and find him guilty... simply because it is right, it is just, and Lord knows, it is time. Is it ever too late to do the right thing?
[last lines] Adult Toni Whitney: [voice over narration] Many years ago, a seal named Andre made his first historic swim home and his life became legend. Every winter he lived the life of a gentlemen at the country aquarium. Every Spring my Dad set him free, and every time Andre made the two hundred and fifty mile journey home to spend the Summer with us, his family. By the time Andre was twenty four years old, he could hardly see. But that didn't stop him from completing his final trip. In all the journeys since my youth, and on all the journeys I have ahead of me, I know I'll never find a better friend than Andre.
Miss Higgins: Now. Before you ladies get pregnant and you gentlemen murder one another you'll learn the joy of reading. This way, you have something to do in your ninth month or in your jail cell.
The Joker: [to Gambol's thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... [breaks pool cue over knee] The Joker: Tryouts. [throws broken pool cue at the thugs] The Joker: Make it fast.
Mary Maceachran: What will Lady Sylvia do now? Lewis: If I were her, I'd set up in London as a glamorous widow with all the gentlemen chasin' me for my money!
Jack Bellamy: Well, I've got an offer from Goldman Sachs to work in investment banking in New York City. Himself - Fmr. editor Harper's Magazine: That's fantastic. Are you excited about that? Jack Bellamy: Sure, I guess. Himself - Fmr. editor Harper's Magazine: No guess. Great career. You meet a lot of nice people. Make a lot of money. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Jack. And what about you, Mike? Mike Vanzetti: Actually, I thought I might take a year to write and work some odd jobs. Himself - Fmr. editor Harper's Magazine: A shocking misuse of your parent's money. Mike Vanzetti: So they tell me. Himself - Fmr. editor Harper's Magazine: Both you gentlemen have a chance to become members of the American ruling class and I don't see why you don't avail yourself of that opportunity. Jack Bellamy: Ruling class? Himself - Fmr. editor Harper's Magazine: As was true in the early years of the Republic, the country is governed by a commercial oligarchy and the citizen who cannot afford the luxury of a contrary opinion learns, of necessity, to dance the beggar's waltz.
Charles Wheeler: Please, wherever you are, return my wife to me. Kate, if you're listening, I want you to know that I'm okay. I hope you're holding up well, I hope that these gentlemen are treating you correctly, the way you should be treated, and speaking of which, I'm going to Spain next week, so if your kidnappers would like to contact me, they can get in touch with my people, and you know who they are, and the house is waiting for you, right here, where you belong. And the house misses you, I miss you... [Kate turns off the television]
Harry Faversham: Willoughby, you look wonderful, darling. Jack Durrance: Princess Willoughby. Harry Faversham: Miss Willoughby. William Trench: A hair is out of place there, Tom. Willoughby: When are you gentlemen going to grow up? Harry Faversham: Gentlemen! Did he call us gentlemen? Jack Durrance: I believe he did. Harry Faversham: I won't take that from him. Jack Durrance: Nor will I.
Thomas Devoe: [approaching enemy truck in a helo] All right, gentlemen - whatever you do, do not shoot any civilians, do you understand? [minutes later, pointing to a couple of gunmen on the bridge below] Thomas Devoe: Those fuckers you can shoot!
Ned Alleyn: [singing the stage directions] Gentlemen upstage; ladies downstage... Are you a lady Mr. Kent?
Nash: I will not buy you gentlemen beer. Bender: Oh, we're not here for beer, my friend.
Lola: Ladies, gentlemen and those who are yet to make up your mind.
Sergeant: Gentlemen you are the fliers of the FUTURE! [Tailfeather and Toughwood crash into each other] Sergeant: [Holds face] The FAR future!
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