Jay:
[singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2:
Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay:
[singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1:
What the hell are you singing?
Jay:
You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2:
You mean the guys in that Prince movie? [Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1:
Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2:
Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
[Prior is talking about his lineage with Ancestor #1]
Prior Walter:
I'm the thirty-fourth, I think.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
Actually the thirty-second.
Prior Walter:
Not according to mother.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
Oh, then she's including the two bastards. I say leave them out. I say, no room for bastards. These little things you swallow...
Prior Walter:
Pills.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
Pills. For the pestilence. I too...
Prior Walter:
Pestilence... you too what?
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
The pestilence in my day was much worse than it is now. Whole villages of empty houses. Look outdoors and you see Death walking in the morning, as plain as I see you now.
Prior Walter:
You died of the plague.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
The spotty monster. Like you, alone.
Prior Walter:
I'm not alone.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
You have no wife, no children.
Prior Walter:
I'm gay.
Prior Walter Ancestor #1:
Well, be gay, dance in your altogether for all I care, what's that to do with not having children?
Prior Walter:
Gay homosexual, not bonny, blithe and... never mind.
Rusty Zimmerman:
[singing can be heard from Rusty's open window] Yeah, gitchi gitchi ya ya da da, gitchi gitchi ya ya here, mocha chocolata ya ya...
Walt Koontz:
[shouts out the window] Hey! Hei! Shut the fuckin' window or shut the fuck up!
Rusty Zimmerman:
[Really fast] You shut you'r fuckin' window!
Walt Koontz:
Fuckin' faggots!
Rusty Zimmerman:
The gay community thanks you for your support, fucker!
Walt Koontz:
Fuck you and the gay community!
Rusty Zimmerman:
Fuck you and your "Lets get married, have kids and beat up the fuckin' dog" community, Fucker!
Rusty Zimmerman:
[singing really loud out of the window] Go sister, go sister, go sister, hei sister go sister, go sister...
Walt Koontz:
Fuckin' demented fuckin' fruitcakes!
Ron White:
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. [Takes breath]
Ron White:
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand. [pause]
Ron White:
Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff:
Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White:
If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. [Confused, stupid look]
Ron White:
And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
Sid:
You want subversion on a massive level. You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? Top Gun.
Duane:
Oh, come on.
Sid:
Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.
Duane:
It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.
Sid:
It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.
Duane:
What about Kelly McGillis?
Sid:
Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie... He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'll do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. Okay, now let me just ask you - I'm gonna digress for two seconds here. I met this girl Amy here, she's like floating around here and everything. Now, she just got divorced, right? All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!
Cal:
You're gay, now?
David:
No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal:
I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David:
You're gay for saying that.
Cal:
I'm gay for saying that?
David:
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal:
How? How do you know I'm gay?
David:
Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal:
You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David:
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal:
How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David:
You know how I know you're gay?
Cal:
How?
David:
You like Coldplay.
