Elder Aaron Davis:
Do you ever read the Sunday comics?
Lila:
[confused] I beg your pardon? [changes her mind]
Lila:
Yes, of course the Sunday comics.
Elder Aaron Davis:
Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this - make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now.
Walter Garber:
What's her name?
Ryder:
Lavitca, she was Lithuanian... she was an ASS-model.
Walter Garber:
She asked you what?
Ryder:
You heard of hand-models, right? Advertisements?
Walter Garber:
Right.
Ryder:
She was an ass-model... she did jeans and uh you know, magazines and shit. Anyway, it was fashion week in New York and uh... I took her to Iceland.
Walter Garber:
Lavitca, Lithuanian, Ass model, Iceland, you took her to the ice...
Ryder:
So, for five-hundred bucks they'll take you on a dog-sled ride on a glacier.
Walter Garber:
Dog-sled?
Ryder:
Yeah... and you know that whole saying that if you're not the lead dog, the view never changes?
Walter Garber:
Right, otherwise you're always looking at the asshole of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
That'll be funny in a minute when I get to that part.
Walter Garber:
It's funny now.
Ryder:
[next scene] And it's eight in the morning, we haven't been to bed yet... and we're tooling across this glacier and I got this hangover that's creeping up the back of my neck... and guess what I'm looking at?
Walter Garber:
You're obviously you're staring at... the ass of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
You got it! So this dog... out of nowhere just lifts his hind-legs up and puts them in the, you know the harness there... and just takes a shit, while he's running on his front paws. So he's dumping and running, all at the same time... now that's multi-fucking-tasking if you ask me.
Walter Garber:
Get outta here, did it hit you?
Ryder:
Shit always hits you man. [next scene]
Ryder:
I didn't know it at the time, but it was profound.
Walter Garber:
Profound?
Ryder:
Yeah.
Walter Garber:
Why? Uh, you lost me.
Ryder:
Well, you know uh... when I went to prison later on, what you called. Uh, I had trouble going to the toilet... you know, a privacy thing. And I... couldn't take a shit. I was scared shitless... literally. So, you know what I thought of?
Walter Garber:
You thought of the dog.
Ryder:
That's right... I thought of that dog. If it could do what it needed to do... so could I. It saved my fucking live.
Walter Garber:
Wow, that is profound.
Bob Collier:
Seen all your stuff downstairs.
Jeremy Collier:
I want Karen to take me to the bus station.
Bob Collier:
Alright, fine. [pulls money out of his pocket]
Bob Collier:
I got twenty-one hundred dollars here for you; it's all the cash I had at the office. It's not a fortune, but it'll get you where you want to go, and help you get started if you're careful with it.
Bob Collier:
[pauses] And look, don't think that I'm kicking you out of the house, see. I think you should leave for for your own good, I think it's the right thing to do, and it's my responsibility as a father. Once you're away from here, and had time to think about, I think you'll agree.
Jeremy Collier:
I don't want it.
Bob Collier:
Well I want you to have it.
Jeremy Collier:
No you don't. You want me to take it, so you won't feel guilty, so you won't feel responsible.
Bob Collier:
[sighs] It's funny how I can be so wrong. I honestly thought you were gonna say 'thank you'.
Jeremy Collier:
Thank you? That's what you thought I'd say? No. You just want everyone to think you did the right thing.
Bob Collier:
I'm not doing this on what anybody might think. [puts the money down]
Bob Collier:
I'll have Karen drive you wherever you want to go. [starts to close the door]
Bob Collier:
I hope you'll think better of me someday.
Yakavetta:
I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco:
Now? A joke? Uh... um, uh... A joke. Yeah, alright. Um... There's these, uh, three guys, uh... a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.
Yakavetta:
Nigger.
Rocco:
Yeah, n-n- Yeah. And-and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, you know, "You wish for anything you want." So, he asks, uh-uh, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, uh, uh, "I want, uh, all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - Poof! And, all the spics are in Mexico. And then he asks the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi:
Nigger.
Rocco:
Yeah, that's what I said. Goes to the, uh- uh, nigger, says, uh, "What do you want?" And he goes, um, uh, "I want all my African- my nigger brothers in America to be back in Africa and-and happy and everything." You know? So, genie goes poof! And, um, all the niggers in America are in Africa. And, uh, uh, uh, this is go- I'm not funny today. I-I know. I'm havin' a hard day. I-I-I- This joke sucks. It's-it's-it's a stupid joke.
Yakavetta:
Continue the joke.
Rocco:
So the genie says to the white guy, uh, um, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."
Milo:
Say, Audrey. No-no offense, but how did a teenager become the chief mechanic of a multi-million dollar expedition?
Audrey:
I took this job when my dad retired. But, the funny thing was, he always wanted sons, right? One to run his machine shop, another to be middleweight boxing champion. But, he got my sister and me, instead.
Milo:
So, what... what happened to your sister?
Audrey:
She's 24 and 0, with a shot at the title next month.
The Dude:
Hey, no, come on, Walter. We're ending this thing cheap, man.
Walter Sobchak:
No, what’s mine is mine.
Nihilist:
No funny shtuff.
The Dude:
Alright, alright, I've got four dollars, almost five...
Donny:
Hey, I got eighteen dollars.
Walter Sobchak:
What's mine is mine.
Nihilist:
We fuck you ups, man. We takes the money.
Walter Sobchak:
Come and get it.
[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]
Mac:
All right, how about "Cat Game?"
Foster:
Cat Game? What's the record?
Mac:
Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
Foster:
Ten? Starting right 'meow?' [Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]
Larry Johnson:
Sorry about the...
Foster:
All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration. [the man hands him his license]
Foster:
Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2) [Mac ticks off two fingers]
Larry Johnson:
Sorry. [the man laughs a little]
Foster:
Is there something funny here boy?
Larry Johnson:
Oh, no.
Foster:
Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson? [pause]
Foster:
All right meow, (3) where were we?
Larry Johnson:
Excuse me, are you saying meow?
Foster:
Am I saying meow? [Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]
Larry Johnson:
I thought...
Foster:
Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going? [man laughs]
Foster:
Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?
Larry Johnson:
I could have sworn you said meow.
Foster:
Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? [Mac is gut-busting laughing]
Foster:
Am I drinking milk from a saucer? [feigned anger]
Foster:
Do you see me eating mice?
Foster:
[Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)
Larry Johnson:
[the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.
Foster:
Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law. [rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]
Foster:
Not so funny meow, (9) is it?
Foster:
[Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)
Darryl:
Sydney, If you really want to dis someone, you have to stick with the 'yo mamma jokes', here, I'll tell you one, "Yo mamma's so big, that when she was hit by a school bus, she turned around and said, 'stop throwing them rocks!'"
Michael:
How 'bout this one? 'Your mamma's teeth are so yellow, that when she smiled, all the cars in the road stoped!'
Darryl:
[Darryl laughing] That's really funny son, now GO TO YOUR ROOM, I don't want you to be talking about my mamma like that!
Doug Hughley:
You know what? We're throwing down tonight over on Aloha Street! Yeah! We're gonna have three bands; it's gonna' be insane! Would you... would you get up and do a little "Wheels of Steel" for us?
Steve Dunne:
Oh, no, no...
Doug Hughley:
You sure? You're the only man I know who could mix Elvis Costello and Public Enemy! [singing]
Doug Hughley:
What's so funny about... peace, peace, peace... love and under... peace, peace. / Death Row, what does a brother know? peace, peace. / Yow, wow, wow, wow, wow, kapow! You're the King, man, you are the King!
Doug Hughley:
You've *gotta* be there, man, you *must* be there! [looks down; notices that Steve is buying several different pregnancy tests]
Doug Hughley:
Of course, you may be busy.
Cal McAffrey:
Mornin'...
Cameron Lynne:
So? Where are we, was he nobbing her or not?
Cal McAffrey:
Morning, Cam...
Cameron Lynne:
That's funny about you. Every time your friend runs for re-election or conducts a hearing, you drop his name to me until we give him some coverage... but he finally does something that actually might sell some newspapers, you render mute. Is he, he's in congress!
Cal McAffrey:
No, it does not... it's inconsistent.
Cameron Lynne:
Pfff, don't be an ass. What do you think? Those are the ideas for our facelift. I know, I know... it's crap! Our new owners have this odd idea that we ought to be turning a profit.
Cal McAffrey:
Yeah, well I hear our online site is doing great. I mean, not that I get to notice that sort of thing. I've been here what, uhh... fifteen years? I use a sixteen year old computer... she's been here fifteen minutes and she can launch a Russian satellite with the gear she's got.
Cameron Lynne:
Yeah, she told me you behaved like a pig.
Cal McAffrey:
That's too strong.
Cameron Lynne:
Well, pig-ish.
Cal McAffrey:
I showed her a little snout, uhuh.
Cameron Lynne:
Well, I happen to like miss Della Frye... and yes, I did send her down there to winkle something out of you. She's hungry, she's cheap and she churns up copy every hour.
Cal McAffrey:
Yeah, I now... I'm overfed, I'm too expensive and I take way too long.
Cameron Lynne:
Yes, you do.
Cal McAffrey:
I was Stephen Collins' room-mate in college... I don't live with him now.
Cameron Lynne:
Well, that's a shame isn't it.
Cal McAffrey:
Yeah... 'cause I could sell some newspapers.
Walter Harvey:
You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.
Jimmy Dugan:
I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.
Walter Harvey:
Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Jimmy Dugan:
Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Walter Harvey:
You've seen the error of your ways.
Jimmy Dugan:
No, I just can't afford it. [giggles]
Walter Harvey:
It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy: you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.
Jimmy Dugan:
Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.
Walter Harvey:
You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it.
Jimmy Dugan:
Well, there was a fire.
Walter Harvey:
Which you started, which I had to pay for.
Jimmy Dugan:
Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.
Sidney:
[Staring at Thorsen's Daughter] No! No, wait! [Gets up in front of Thorsen, faces the Nurse, and starts shouting]
Sidney:
No! Hey! Wait! Enough bullshit! You need to help her right now!
Nurse:
Excuse me...?
Sidney:
Man, why you given me all this shit? Ain't you got some oxygen or something you can give her?
Nurse:
All right! Let me get a supervisor! [Attempts to leave]
Sidney:
[Blocks her way] No, no, no, no! You don't need to get no supervisor! You the supervisor today! Huh? You are the supervisor today! You feel me on that? Now I want you to get your skinny ass down the hall, put the little girl on a tray and supervise her, and I want you to get her some goddamn air! [Patting Thorsen's Daughter's shoulder]
Sidney:
I got your back, sis! [Notices the Nurse hasn't left yet]
Sidney:
Aw, bitch you still here? [Gets out a gun and shotts and the floor. The nurse leaves]
Sidney:
Shit! Shit ain't funny now! [Thorsen's Daughter is put on a stretcher]
Sidney:
Aw! Aw come on, man! Come on! Come on man! Damn! Aw! [Sidney is arrested and put in handcuffs]
