Zsa Zsa Gabor - Quotes

 I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

 

Tags: funny   humor   relationships     


Stuart Little - Quotes

 Snowbell:
You think you could help me?
Smokey:
Consider it done.
Snowbell:
Thank-you Mister Smokey sir, how could I ever think you?
Smokey:
Don't worry Tinkerbell, anytime.
Snowbell:
Tinkerbell! Ha Ha, He called me Tinkerbell! You're a funny guy!
Smokey:
Yeah, whatever. HOUSE CATS, Sheesh!
 

Tags: Help Quotes   Funny Quotes   Worry Quotes     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 [Thine] face is not worth sunburning. 

Tags: funny   shakespeare     


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Quotes

 Benjamin Button:
It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.
 

Tags: Funny Quotes     
Masashi Kishimoto - Quotes

 She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it...

-Kabuto 

Tags: funny   manga   naruto   women     
Johnny Depp - Quotes

 You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. 

Tags: careful   funny   silence   talking     
Jon Stewart - Quotes

 I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. 

Tags: canada   funny     
David Cook - Quotes

 If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell. 

Tags: cook   david   funny   life     
Laurie Halse Anderson - Quotes

 Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.  

Tags: accurate   funny     
Latter Days - Quotes

 Elder Aaron Davis:
Do you ever read the Sunday comics?
Lila:
[confused] I beg your pardon? [changes her mind]
Lila:
Yes, of course the Sunday comics.
Elder Aaron Davis:
Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this - make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now.
 

Tags: Day Quotes   Funny Quotes   Life Quotes   Right Quotes     
Baby Mama - Quotes

 Angie Ostrowiski:
[about Kate's ex-boyfriend's car] You know what we should do?
Kate Holbrook:
What? [Angie throws a trash can on Kate's ex-boyfriend's car]
Kate Holbrook:
I was gonna say leave a funny note!
 

Tags: Funny Quotes     
Lily Tomlin - Quotes

 When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. 

Tags: funny   humor   inspirational   wish     
George Carlin - Quotes

 As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. - (after his second heart attack, 1982) 

Tags: comedy   funny   humor     
The Mask - Quotes

 Doyle:
Really big sunglasses.
Cop:
Bike horn.
Doyle:
Small mouth bass
Cop:
Bowling Pin
Doyle:
[Yells in pain] Mouse Trap.
Cop:
Rubber Chicken.
Mask:
A little to the left... that's it.
Doyle:
[squeezes a stress releaver toy a few times] mmmm, I don't know. Funny eyeball glasses?
Mask:
I've never seen those before in my life.
Cop:
Bazooka?
Mask:
I have a permit for that.
Doyle:
[going through The Mask's pocket] Picture of Kellaway's wife.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway:
What?
Mask:
Uh-oh.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway:
Margaret! You son-of-a-bitch!
Mask:
Geez I thought you would have a sense of humor. After all - you married her! [slaps both Kellaway and Doyle in the face repeatedly]
Mask:
That's gotta hurt.
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway:
Get'em! [looks down to see his and Doyles wristes are handcuffed to eachother]
Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway:
Doyle!
 

Tags: Funny Quotes   Mouse Quotes   Stress Quotes   Thought Quotes     
Johnny Depp - Quotes

 One of the greatest pieces of advice I 

Tags: advice   bullies   funny     
Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie - Quotes

 Jeff:
Kids are great for a comedian, because kids are funny without even trying to be funny.
 

Tags: Kids Quotes   Funny Quotes   Trying Quotes     
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 - Quotes

 Walter Garber:
What's her name?
Ryder:
Lavitca, she was Lithuanian... she was an ASS-model.
Walter Garber:
She asked you what?
Ryder:
You heard of hand-models, right? Advertisements?
Walter Garber:
Right.
Ryder:
She was an ass-model... she did jeans and uh you know, magazines and shit. Anyway, it was fashion week in New York and uh... I took her to Iceland.
Walter Garber:
Lavitca, Lithuanian, Ass model, Iceland, you took her to the ice...
Ryder:
So, for five-hundred bucks they'll take you on a dog-sled ride on a glacier.
Walter Garber:
Dog-sled?
Ryder:
Yeah... and you know that whole saying that if you're not the lead dog, the view never changes?
Walter Garber:
Right, otherwise you're always looking at the asshole of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
That'll be funny in a minute when I get to that part.
Walter Garber:
It's funny now.
Ryder:
[next scene] And it's eight in the morning, we haven't been to bed yet... and we're tooling across this glacier and I got this hangover that's creeping up the back of my neck... and guess what I'm looking at?
Walter Garber:
You're obviously you're staring at... the ass of the dog in front of you.
Ryder:
You got it! So this dog... out of nowhere just lifts his hind-legs up and puts them in the, you know the harness there... and just takes a shit, while he's running on his front paws. So he's dumping and running, all at the same time... now that's multi-fucking-tasking if you ask me.
Walter Garber:
Get outta here, did it hit you?
Ryder:
Shit always hits you man. [next scene]
Ryder:
I didn't know it at the time, but it was profound.
Walter Garber:
Profound?
Ryder:
Yeah.
Walter Garber:
Why? Uh, you lost me.
Ryder:
Well, you know uh... when I went to prison later on, what you called. Uh, I had trouble going to the toilet... you know, a privacy thing. And I... couldn't take a shit. I was scared shitless... literally. So, you know what I thought of?
Walter Garber:
You thought of the dog.
Ryder:
That's right... I thought of that dog. If it could do what it needed to do... so could I. It saved my fucking live.
Walter Garber:
Wow, that is profound.
 

Tags: Bed Quotes   Fashion Quotes   Saying Quotes   Funny Quotes   New York Quotes     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 [Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms! 

Tags: funny   shakespeare     
George Carlin - Quotes

 If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. 

Tags: compassion   funny   humor   peace     
The War at Home - Quotes

 Bob Collier:
Seen all your stuff downstairs.
Jeremy Collier:
I want Karen to take me to the bus station.
Bob Collier:
Alright, fine. [pulls money out of his pocket]
Bob Collier:
I got twenty-one hundred dollars here for you; it's all the cash I had at the office. It's not a fortune, but it'll get you where you want to go, and help you get started if you're careful with it.
Bob Collier:
[pauses] And look, don't think that I'm kicking you out of the house, see. I think you should leave for for your own good, I think it's the right thing to do, and it's my responsibility as a father. Once you're away from here, and had time to think about, I think you'll agree.
Jeremy Collier:
I don't want it.
Bob Collier:
Well I want you to have it.
Jeremy Collier:
No you don't. You want me to take it, so you won't feel guilty, so you won't feel responsible.
Bob Collier:
[sighs] It's funny how I can be so wrong. I honestly thought you were gonna say 'thank you'.
Jeremy Collier:
Thank you? That's what you thought I'd say? No. You just want everyone to think you did the right thing.
Bob Collier:
I'm not doing this on what anybody might think. [puts the money down]
Bob Collier:
I'll have Karen drive you wherever you want to go. [starts to close the door]
Bob Collier:
I hope you'll think better of me someday.
 

Tags: Money Quotes   Help Quotes   Body Quotes   Funny Quotes   Hope Quotes     
George Carlin - Quotes

 I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. 

Tags: funny   humor     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show. 

Tags: funny     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no  

Tags: comedy   funny   humor   noremorse     
Lewis Black - Quotes

 Just relax and breathe through your ass. 

Tags: comedy   funny   humor   noremorse     
Sherrilyn Kenyon - Quotes

 Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick) 

Tags: funny   hero   sarcasm     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Thou art a very ragged Wart. 

Tags: funny   shakespeare     
George Carlin - Quotes

 I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest:  

Tags: alcohol   carlin   funny   george   humor   laugh     
Leslie Nielsen - Quotes

 Who are you and how did you get in here? 

Tags: comedy   funny   humor   locksmith     
George Carlin - Quotes

 Honesty may be the best policy, but it 

Tags: funny   honesty   humor   truth     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 she shall scant show well that now shows best. 

Tags: funny   jealousy     
Jerry Lewis - Quotes

 I've had great success being a total idiot.  

Tags: funny   humor   idiot   jerry   lewis   success     
Bruce Almighty - Quotes

 Bruce:
Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure [growls]
Grace:
Oh!
Bruce:
It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace:
Wow.
Bruce:
It can be quite... [yells]
Bruce:
PLEASURABLE!
Grace:
[Bruce's mind control sexually arouses Grace; Grace falls to the toilet seat; chuckles] Oh, my God. Ooh.
Bruce:
[mind controlling arousing continutes] Pleasurable, pleasurable, pleasurable...
Grace:
Oh, God! [moaning]
Grace:
Oh, Good God!
 

Tags: Pleasure Quotes   Race Quotes   Anticipation Quotes   Control Quotes   Funny Quotes     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 How art thou out of breath when thou hast breath

To say to me that thou art out of breath? 

Tags: funny   restlessness     
Chuck Amuck: The Movie - Quotes

 Chuck Jones:
I think you must learn - if you're in any filmmaking - you must respect the single frame. And there are twenty-four of those per second. If you don't respect that single frame you're in the same boat with a musician who does not respect an eighth note or a sixteenth note or a thirty-second note or whatever. You have to find the smallest unit and you have to love it and believe that one will make a difference. One frame to me will make the difference between whether the thing's funny or not.
 

Tags: Love Quotes   Will Quotes   Funny Quotes   Love Quotes   Respect Quotes     
Russell Brand - Quotes

 Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws. 

Tags: church   comedy   funny   humor   robots     
Aaron Eckhart - Quotes

 He 

Tags: fashion   funny   humor   obama     
The Dust Factory - Quotes

 
[last lines]
Grandpa Randolph:
Dust is a funny thing. It's everywhere all at once, like a teeny, tiny snowstorm, in every ray of light. Even the moon is just a big dust ball. But you know, it's all in the way you look at it. Not this way or that way, not forways or backways. Just believe before you look. The man in the moon has a magic all his own.
 

Tags: Magic Quotes   Man Quotes   Funny Quotes   Moon Quotes     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 Afore me! It is so very late,

That we may call it early by and by. 

Tags: early   funny     
William Shakespeare - Quotes

 I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him. 

Tags: funny   insult   pompey     
George Carlin - Quotes

 The planet is fine. The people are fucked. 

Tags: funny   humanity   humor     
The Boondock Saints - Quotes

 Yakavetta:
I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco:
Now? A joke? Uh... um, uh... A joke. Yeah, alright. Um... There's these, uh, three guys, uh... a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.
Yakavetta:
Nigger.
Rocco:
Yeah, n-n- Yeah. And-and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, you know, "You wish for anything you want." So, he asks, uh-uh, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, uh, uh, "I want, uh, all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - Poof! And, all the spics are in Mexico. And then he asks the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi:
Nigger.
Rocco:
Yeah, that's what I said. Goes to the, uh- uh, nigger, says, uh, "What do you want?" And he goes, um, uh, "I want all my African- my nigger brothers in America to be back in Africa and-and happy and everything." You know? So, genie goes poof! And, um, all the niggers in America are in Africa. And, uh, uh, uh, this is go- I'm not funny today. I-I know. I'm havin' a hard day. I-I-I- This joke sucks. It's-it's-it's a stupid joke.
Yakavetta:
Continue the joke.
Rocco:
So the genie says to the white guy, uh, um, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."
 

Tags: People Quotes   America Quotes   People Quotes   Brothers Quotes   Funny Quotes     
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Quotes

 Arthur Weasley:
Times like these, dark times, they do funny things to people. They can tear them apart.
 

Tags: Funny Quotes     
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity - Quotes

 
[after Peanut's joke about Jeff driving a Prius]
Peanut:
You know what would be funny as hell?
Jeff Dunham:
What?
Peanut:
When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show was sponsored by Toyota. [laughter]
Peanut:
And they have no idea. One night, they're watching this like [with a mock Japanese accent]
Peanut:
"Hey! He making fun of our car! He say our car is gay! It not gay, he gay! Let's get Godzilla to kill him!" [laughter]
 

Tags: Comedy Quotes   Driving Quotes   Fun Quotes   Funny Quotes     
Michael Scott - Quotes

 Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever. No matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... EVER. For any reason whatsoever. 

Tags: funny   humor   office     
Stephen Colbert - Quotes

  I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. 

Tags: funny   humor     
The St. Francisville Experiment - Quotes

 Psychic - Madison Charap - Participant:
All I'm saying is, is every little tiny thing in the house you can not jump to a conclusion and be like, "Oh my god, there's a ghost here!"
History Student - Ryan Larson - Participant:
That's funny cause there's no open window in this whole house! [reference to a door opening by itself]
 

Tags: History Quotes   Rap Quotes   Saying Quotes   Funny Quotes     
Roman Payne - Quotes

 The lot of the bride

to be wed before bed

desired until rotten.

The lot of the author

to be read before bed

admired then forgotten. 

Tags: admiration   authors   brides   desire   funny   humor   humour   marriage   payne   roman   weddings   writers     
George Carlin - Quotes

 That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it 

Tags: america   dream   funny   humor   wealth     
George Carlin - Quotes

 How is it possible to have a civil war? 

Tags: funny   humor     
George Carlin - Quotes

 How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. (on God) 

Tags: funny   humor     
The Station Agent - Quotes

 Finbar McBride:
It's funny how people see me and treat me, since I'm really just a simple, boring person.
 

Tags: People Quotes   People Quotes   Funny Quotes     
John McCain - Quotes

 My friends... 

Tags: election   funny   government   presidents   speech     
Homer Simpson - Quotes

 Worst day of your life so far 

Tags: funny   homer   humor   simpsons     
Lawrence Ferlinghetti - Quotes

 If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. 

Tags: beatnik   cynical   funny   humour     
Matt Groening - Quotes

 This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Now let us say the lord's prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate. 

Tags: funny   religion   simpsons     
Johnny Carson - Quotes

 In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. 

Tags: craziness   entertainment   funny   hollywood   humor   insanity   psychotherapy   psycology   therapy     
Lewis Carroll - Quotes

 Door: Why it's simply impassible!

Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?

Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! 

Tags: alice   door   funny   humor     
Atlantis: The Lost Empire - Quotes

 Milo:
Say, Audrey. No-no offense, but how did a teenager become the chief mechanic of a multi-million dollar expedition?
Audrey:
I took this job when my dad retired. But, the funny thing was, he always wanted sons, right? One to run his machine shop, another to be middleweight boxing champion. But, he got my sister and me, instead.
Milo:
So, what... what happened to your sister?
Audrey:
She's 24 and 0, with a shot at the title next month.
 

Tags: Weight Quotes   Boxing Quotes   Funny Quotes     
Funny People - Quotes

 Dr. Lars:
It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George Simmons:
Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?
Dr. Lars:
You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George Simmons:
And I enjoy all of your movies.
Dr. Lars:
[surprised] Which movies?
George Simmons:
The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.
 

Tags: Movies   Medicine Quotes   Winning Quotes   Body Quotes   Funny Quotes     
Bill Cosby - Quotes

 gray hair is gods graffiti 

Tags: funny   graffiti   hair     


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