Announcer:
Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program...”Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry! [music cues build dramatically]
Announcer:
Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play...”Twenty-One!" [lively theme music plays]
Announcer:
And here's your host... Jack Barry! [the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium]
Jack Barry:
[looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks. [as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced]
Stempel's opponent:
You nervous?
Herbie Stemple:
[chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money.
Jack Barry:
Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please? [a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand]
Jack Barry:
Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One." [a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]
Henry Dawes:
We cannot allow a return to incivility.
Charles Eastman:
Incivility? And what has civility earned them, might I ask? Trained nurses? Even one hospital?
Henry Dawes:
All things the Sioux will provide for themselves, Charles, once this plan has passed. As you yourself agreed - they must adapt.
Charles Eastman:
Must they adapt, sir, to the point of their own extermination?
Henry Dawes:
Extermination? I suppose you say we've exterminated your Indian heritage rather than provided to you the benefits of an entire civilization?
Charles Eastman:
Senator, please sit. Sir, if every individual were taken personally under your care, as was my good fortune, I admit, the outcome might be what you seek. But I am not the example you held up to The Friends of the Indian. I am the example of nothing. I simply do not see how placing each Indian man on a desolate, 160-acre parcel of land is going to lead his children to medical school.
Henry Dawes:
It will, in time. But first, this must pass. Or I guarantee you, destitution is all the Sioux will ever know. I have many opponents, Charles, in the press, in Congress...
Charles Eastman:
You have an opponent before you, sir.
Ryan Bingham:
How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.
Professor Snape:
Potter, what's your hurry? Congratulations. Your performance in the Black Lake was inspiring. Gilllyweed, am I correct?
Harry:
Yes sir.
Professor Snape:
Ingenious. A rather rare herb, Gillyweed. Not something found in your everyday garden. Nor is this. [holds up a bottle]
Professor Snape:
Know what it is?
Harry:
[sarcastically] Bubble juice, sir?
Professor Snape:
Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you eve steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.
Harry:
I haven't stolen anything.
Professor Snape:
Don't lie to me! Gillyweed may be innocuous, but Boomslang skin? Lacewing flies? You and your little friends are brewing Polyjuice Potion, and believe me; I'm going to find out why! [shuts the door in Harry's face]
Dumbledore:
Hogwarts, let's entertain our friends in the best way we can, all stand! [the entire student body stands up as one]
Dumbledore:
Maestro, if you will! [Professor Flitwick and Dumbledore both begin conducting the students as they sing the school song]
Hogwarts student body:
'Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy warty Hogwarts, teach us something please. Whether we be old and bald or young with scabby knees. Our heads could do with filling with some interesting stuff, for now they're bare and full or air, dead flies and bits of fluff!' [as they are singing, the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students merely stare, as if they can't believe what they are seeing/hearing]
Christian:
Look, if there's a problem, I could come back.
Elder Aaron Davis:
Look, maybe I'm just homesick.
Christian:
Homesick? For Idaho?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Okay, fine, but...
Christian:
I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm... It's just... When I left home, it was just 'zoom', like a rocket. But if you've never been away from home before... Have you?
Elder Aaron Davis:
What? I've been away from home, just not for two whole years.
Christian:
[in an English accent] 'Could be worse, could be raining.'
Elder Aaron Davis:
That's Young Frankenstein.
Christian:
Yeah. So two years, huh?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Yeah. We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays and they're not allowed to visit.
Christian:
Wow, where do I sign up?
Elder Aaron Davis:
Hey. Happen to like my family. 'After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.'
Christian:
[confused for a while, then gets it] Psycho, that's Psycho, right? 'She goes a bit mad sometimes. We all go a bit mad sometimes.' [Aaron laughs]
Christian:
Least you got your friends here, right?
Elder Aaron Davis:
What, Ryder? No. We just got assigned to each other a few weeks ago.
Christian:
Oh. Well, better you than me.
Barry:
[First Line]
Barry:
Welcome to the University of Ithica. This is it, right here. This is what we're talkin about. I'm gonna give you a good tour today. Show you as much, as much as you need to know, plus a, plus a whole lt more actually. So this is the main area of the University. You'll be getting used to this area. This is sort of where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me everyone, come in around me. Don't straggle. We've had prblems... I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? It's not pretty, It's not pretty when it happens. This is the uh... By the way this is the Joseph H. Nelson library here, okay? It was built in the, uh... 1600s.
Student in the Tour:
1600s? It says 1951. [snickering]
Barry:
[Turns & looks, faces group] That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.
Will:
So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?
Sean:
October 21st, 1975.
Will:
Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date?
Sean:
Oh yeah. 'Cause it was Game 6 of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history.
Will:
Yeah, sure.
Sean:
My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets.
Will:
You got tickets?
Sean:
Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh, it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the eighth, Carbo ties it up at 6-6. It went to twelve. Bottom of the twelfth, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
Will:
Yeah, yeah.
Sean:
And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman.
Will:
Yeah, I've seen...
Sean:
He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know?
Will:
Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way!
Sean:
Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people...
Will:
I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin' game!
Sean:
Yeah!
Will:
Did you rush the field?
Sean:
[surprised at the question] No, I didn't rush the fuckin' field; I wasn't there.
Will:
What?
Sean:
No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife.
Will:
You missed Pudge Fisk's home run?
Sean:
Oh, yeah.
Will:
To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met?
Sean:
Yeah, but you shoulda seen her; she was a stunner.
[Courtcase of Snively versus Framm, just started and Timberwolves coach, Arthur Chaney just walked into the courtroom, un-expectedly]
Arthur Chaney:
Why not let the dog choose, Your Honor? They say a dog is man's best friend. If that's the case, shouldn't the dog be able to choose who he wants to be friends with?
Judge Cranfield:
Who are you, Barnum or Bailey?
Arthur Chaney:
Arthur Chaney, Your Honor.
Judge Cranfield:
Mister Chaney, do you reali... [Judge Cranfield stammered, in shock]
Judge Cranfield:
Arthur Chaney? New York Knicks, '56? Huh, I was at that Celtics game where you did the turn around jumper, at the buzzer. [light chuckle]
Judge Cranfield:
I spilt beer all over my wife. [light laughter in the courtroom]
Bailiff:
Your Honor?
Judge Cranfield:
What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. [Judge Cranfield then cleared his throat]
Arthur Chaney:
Well, I've been thinking. This dog is what, three, four years old. That makes him an adult, in our years. I say let Buddy decide. [court members mummur after hearing this advice]
Judge Cranfield:
Mister Chaney, during my forty years on the bench, I have heard a lot of lamebrain cockamanie proposals. But this one I like. [Norm Snively and Josh Framm were then both sent outside, to see who Buddy would respond to and be Buddy's permanent owner]
[all praying to God]
Tracy Flick:
Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now, I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn't, as you well know. I realize that it was your divine hand that disqualified Tammy Metzler and now I'm asking that you go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong so that I may carry out your will on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
Tammy Metzler:
Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting catholic school soon, I though I should at least practice. Let's see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.
Paul Metzler:
Dear God, than you for all your blessings. You've given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I'm told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful, but I sure am worried about Tammy. In my heart, I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes, she does get so weird and angry. Please help her be a happier person because she's so smart and sensitive and I love her so much. Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to you. You'll decide who the best person is and I'll accept it. And forgive me for my sins, whatever they may be. Amen.
Cady:
Hey!
Regina:
Why were you talking to Janis Ian?
Cady:
I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.
Regina:
She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
