Charlie Kaufman:
We open on Charlie Kaufman. Fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in a Hollywood restaurant, across from Valerie Thomas, a lovely, statuesque film executive. Kaufman, trying to get a writing assignment, wanting to impress her, sweats profusely. Fat, bald Kaufman paces furiously in his bedroom. He speaks into his hand held tape recorder, and he says: "Charlie Kaufman. Fat, bald, repulsive, old, sits at a Hollywood restaurant with Valerie Thomas".
[first lines]
Narrator:
The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of 5 youths. It is all the more tragic in that they were young. But had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected, nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them, an idyllic summer afternoon became a nightmare. For 30 years, the files collected dust in the cold-cases divison of the Travis County Police Department. Over 1,300 pieces of evidence were collected from the crime scene at the Hewitt residence. Yet none of the evidence was more compelling than the classified police footage of the crime-scene walk-through.
Adams (officer in walkthrough):
Test test test... OK, uh, this is, uh, August 20th, 1973. The time is, uh, 3:47 P.M. Our location is the Hewitt residence on Route 17; it's where victim one was found. We're gonna do a walk-through, and we're now descending the stairs into the furnace room... uh... There's - over here - there's scratch marks along the wall. There's some more over here, right over here. And, oh, there's something over here. Seems... Looks like a clot of hair and an embedded fingernail. All right, we're gonna go move into the actual furnace room.
Narrator:
The events of that day were to lead to one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history - the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]
Uber Film Narrator:
[U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938. [Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]
Uber Film Narrator:
Hey there, Timmy!
Timmy:
[yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.
Uber Film Narrator:
How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?
Timmy:
Boy, would I! [the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]
Timmy:
Wow! Where am I, Mister?
Uber Film Narrator:
You're in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.
Timmy:
A.D.A.A.?
Uber Film Narrator:
That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!
Timmy:
Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!
Jane:
I don't jump from job to job because of money.
Ally:
[struggling with the camera] Wait, I want to get this.... What is wrong with this thing?...
Jane:
You guys seem to feel the world owes you, that you deserve happiness. My dad worked for twenty-six years in a job he hated, and at fifty, he was laid off, two week's pay and a thank you very much -
Ally:
Wait, Jane!
Jane:
And where did that leave us? A miserable man who became even more bitter, a mother who had to take care of other people's children, and me, knowing that you can never trust any job - will you hand me the sugar? [Georgia does, with a little SLAM]
Jane:
... Any employer, anyone but yourself.
Ally:
[Ally finally gets the camera to film normally again] Shoot... Now say that all again.
Steven Spielberg:
So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin Powers:
Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah. [laughs]
Austin Powers:
Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Steven Spielberg:
[holding an Oscar] Really? Well, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin Powers:
Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo babe, yeah. Hit it.
Bobby McCallister:
Did she ever make you nervous?
Jack McCallister:
Why would missy make me nervous?
Bobby McCallister:
Not Missy. Girls, I mean.
Jack McCallister:
Not since 4th Grade. Is that about that little girlfriend of yours? Still not going to tell me who it is, huh? [pause]
Jack McCallister:
OK, lay it on me.
Bobby McCallister:
Well, I was wondering. She said that I kiss like a girl.
Jack McCallister:
[laugh]
Bobby McCallister:
It's not funny. So, what do I do?
Jack McCallister:
Learn to kiss better?
Bobby McCallister:
How?
Jack McCallister:
I don't know. Watch a movie like everybody else.
Bobby McCallister:
Which? Like "Pillow Talk"?
Jack McCallister:
God, you are do weird. Look, you got to tell Mom to knock it off with that Film Society stuff.
Bobby McCallister:
Is there anything that you can tell me?
Jack McCallister:
I'm not teaching you how to kiss, dumbass.
Bobby McCallister:
Not How to, it's not how to.
Jack McCallister:
Well, don't kiss like a girl for starters.
Bobby McCallister:
Well, what does that mean?
Jack McCallister:
You know take the initiative, be the guy. Beyond that I'd say: no biting, drooling, or anything too crazy. You think you can handle that?
Bobby McCallister:
Maybe.
[last lines]
Tom:
If you would have asked me a month ago, why I was making this fanfilm, I really don't know what I would have said. For the experience, recognition, chance at fame... stupid excuse to make a lightsaber duel? Revenge would have been my most honest answer, but still not the right one. The real reason for anyone, ANYONE to make a fanfilm, in my opinion - Man, just have fun. My film isn't going to change the world, I understand that. But I learned a lot, and I had a lot of laughs because I made it with my friends. And if you're not having fun... why are you making this fanfilm in the first place? Who cares if your film's not perfect? Who cares what other viewers or some stupid short-sighted radio critic says on some flashy website? Sometimes you have to step back and say, "Hey, it's only a movie."
