Nino Brown:
You cut a side deal with that motherfucker. [G-Money opens his mouth, but Nino interrupts him]
Nino Brown:
Yes, you did. Yes, you did, Gee. Fucking Cain. My brother's keeper. Was it this... [takes crack pipe from him]
Nino Brown:
... glass dick you've been sucking on? Was that it? Now I see how you let that motherfucker infiltrate. He used you, Gee. What ever happened to, "Am I my brother's keeper?"
G-Money:
[Sullenly] You know what happened to it. "The world is mine." Remember that? "Everything is mine. Everything!" Even my woman.
Nino Brown:
Is that what this is about? [about Uniqua]
Nino Brown:
That fucking skeezer? You think I give a fuck about her? Fuck that ho bitch! I don't give a fuck about her!
G-Money:
It ain't about her! It's about us. I love you, man. [Nino turns his back on G-Money, making him angrier and angrier]
G-Money:
You embarrassed me, man! In front of all them people, you treated me like I was soft. You treated me like I was spineless! We built this shit! You didn't do this shit by yourself! You forgot about me, man, your brother.
Nino Brown:
What has this done to us? Keisha... dead. The Duh Duh Man... dead.
G-Money:
Let's just make it like it was. Let's be a family. Let's make it like it was. Fuck them cars and them bitches and all that shit. Fuck that shit! Let's do us, me and you. Let's be a family again. [Nino, in tears, hugs G-Money]
Nino Brown:
I'm on the run. It can never go back the way it was. [Nino kisses G-Money on the cheek]
Nino Brown:
But I'll tell you how we can make it right. [Nino shoves G-Money away and pulls out his gun; G-Money falls to his knees]
G-Money:
CMB. CMB! We all we got! [Nino grips his wrist in order to steady the gun he is holding]
G-Money:
Am I my brother's keeper.
Nino Brown:
[Grits his teeth] Yes I am! [Nino shoots G-Money dead and for a brief moment turns the gun towards his own head, but stops himself]
Batman:
Commissioner Gordon?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
He's at home. I sent the signal.
Batman:
What's wrong?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Last night, at the bank, I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin. It's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited.
Batman:
I know. You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional.
Batman:
You trying to get under my cape, doctor?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
A girl can't live by psychoses alone.
Batman:
It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was guys with earrings. College, motorcycles, leather jackets. Now, *oh*, black rubber.
Batman:
Try firemen, less to take off.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask.
Batman:
We all wear masks.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
My life's an open book. You read?
Batman:
I don't blend in at a family picnic.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Oh, we could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche.
Batman:
Direct aren't you?
Dr. Chase Meridian:
You like strong women. I've done my homework. Or do I need skin-tight vinyl and a whip?
Batman:
I haven't had that much luck with women.
Dr. Chase Meridian:
Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.
Lucius Malfoy:
Mr. Potter! Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. Forgive me, your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you.
Harry:
Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer.
Lucius Malfoy:
You must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish.
Hermione:
Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.
Lucius Malfoy:
And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you. And your parents. Muggles, aren't they? Let me see. Red hair... vacant expressions... tatty second hand book... you must be the Weasleys.
Arthur Weasley:
Children, it's mad in here. Let's go outside.
Lucius Malfoy:
Well, well, well. Weasley senior.
Arthur Weasley:
Lucius.
Lucius Malfoy:
Busy time at the Ministry, Arthur, all those extra raids? I do hope they're paying you overtime. Though judging by the state of this, I'd say not. What's the use in being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?
Arthur Weasley:
We have a very different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy.
Lucius Malfoy:
Clearly. Associating with muggles. And I thought your family could sink no lower.
JB:
[narrating in song] A long-ass fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo / There lived a humble family religious through and through / But yea there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do / His name was young JB and he refused to step in line / A vision he did see of fucking rocking all the time / He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align... [young JB enters playing a guitar]
Lil' JB:
[singing] Oh, the dragon's balls were blazin' as I stepped into his cave / Then I sliced his fucking cockles with my long and shiny blade / 'Twas I who fucked the dragon, fuckalye sing fuckaloo / And if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too / Gotta get it on in the party zone / I gotsta shoot a load in party zone / Gotta lick a toad in the party zone / Gotta suck a choad in the party zone! [Jack's father takes him to his room and spanks him with his belt. A guitar riff is heard starting]
Jack's Father:
[singing] You disobeyed my orders son, why were you ever born? / Your brother's ten times better than you, Jesus loves him more / This music that you've played for us comes from the depths of Hell / Rock 'n' roll's the Devil's work, he wants you to rebel. [begins to tear down JB's rock 'n' roll posters]
Jack's Father:
You'll become a mindless puppet! Beelzebub will pull the strings! / Your heart will lose direction and chaos it will bring / You better shut your mouth, you better watch your tone / You're grounded for a week with no telephone / Don't let me hear ya cry, don't let me hear ya moan / You gotta praise the Lord when you're in my home! [Dad storms out, leaving only one poster: Ronnie James Dio]
Lil' JB:
[singing to the poster] Dio, can you hear me? I am lost and so alone / I'm asking for your guidance, won't you come down from your throne? / I need a tight compadre who will teach me how to rock / My father thinks you're evil, but, man, he can suck a cock / Rock is not the Devil's work, it's magical and rad / I'll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad. [the poster comes to life]
Ronnie James Dio:
[singing] I hear you brave young Jables, you are hungry for the rock / But to learn the ancient methods, secret doors you must unlock / Escape your father's clutches in this oppressive neighborhood / On a journey you must go to find the land of Hollywood / In the City of Fallen Angels, where the ocean meets the sand / You will form a strong alliance and the world's most awesome band / To find your fame and fortune, through the valley you must walk / You will face your inner demons, now go my son and ROCK! [JB jumps out the window and runs away from home]
JB:
[narrating in song] So he bailed from fucking Kickapoo with hunger in his heart / And he journeyed far and wide to find the secrets of his art / But in the end he knew that he would find his counterpart / Rock! / Rah-ha-ha-ha-hock / Rah-ha-ha-ha-ha... [babbles]
JB:
Rock!
Dr. Schreber:
I call them the Strangers. They abducted us and brought us here. This city, everyone in it... is their experiment. They mix and match our memories as they see fit, trying to divine what makes us unique. One day, a man might be an inspector. The next, someone entirely different. When they want to study a murderer, for instance, they simply imprint one of their citizens with a new personality. Arrange a family for him, friends, an entire history... even a lost wallet. Then they observe the results. Will a man, given the history of a killer, continue in that vein? Or are we, in fact, more than the sum of our memories?
Attalus:
[Raising a toast at Philip's wedding party] To Philip and Eurydice! And to their legitimate son! To Philip...
Alexander:
[Alexander throws a wine cup at him] And what am I? You son of a dog. Come then.
Philip:
[Attalus throws his cup at Alexander and soon a fight breaks out] Quiet. Shut up! Shut up all of you! This is my wedding, not some public brawl! Apologize, by Zeus, before you dishonor me.
Alexander:
You defend the man that calls my mother a whore and me a bastard? And I dishonor you?
Philip:
Bah! You listen like your mother. Attalus is family now, same as you.
Alexander:
Then choose your relatives more carefully. Don't expect me to sit here and watch you shame yourself.
Philip:
Shame?
Attalus:
You insult me!
Alexander:
I insult you? A man not fit to lick the ground my mother walks on? You dog, questioning your queen!
Philip:
Shame? I've nothing to be ashamed of, you arrogant brat! I'll marry the girl if I want, and I'll have as many sons as I want, and there's nothing you or your harpy mother can do about it!
Alexander:
Why, drunken man, must you think everything I do and say comes from my mother?
Philip:
Because I know her heart, by Hera! And I see her in your eyes. You covet this throne too much. Now! We all know that that she-wolf of a mother of yours wants me dead! Well, you can both dream boy.
Philip:
Come Philip, 'tis the wine talking. Leave the boy, it can wait till the morning.
Philip:
Now! I command you... apologize to your kinsman. [Alexander stands in silence looking at Attalus]
Philip:
Apologize!
Alexander:
He's no kinsman to me. Good night old man, and when my mother remarries, I'll invite you to her wedding. [Walks away]
Philip:
You bastard! You'll obey me. Come here. [Alexander looks at Philip and continues to walk away, Philip grabs his sword and prepares to attack Alexander, but falls to the ground in a drunken stupor]
Alexander:
This is the man who's going to take you from Greece to Persia? He can't even make it from one couch to the next.
Philip:
Get out of my palace! You're exiled, you bastard! Banished from the land, you're not welcome here! You're no son of mine!
Ari:
When I was in like, 5th grade, the miniseries "Roots" was this big thing. So, our teacher had us make family trees. I consulted my mom, and my grandmother, but we couldn't trace it back any further than New York, which was embarrassing. So, I lied and said that we were descended from Russian Tsars. Which is possible if any of them married poorly. Now Liam on the other hand, if there's a good Monty Python rerun on, or if he's had enough Guinness, will confess to a lineage of pirates. Dashing, hearty, seafaring men, known for their rich appetites and poor showings on college placement exams. Supposedly, he claims, they started out with the best of intentions. Rebellion against a tyrannical crown. But then conditions changed, and they lost track. They became desperados. Seduced, driven mad by a combination of lust and endless, chickless months at sea. They raped, they pillaged, they took things that were not theirs. See, that's the literal definition of piracy today. Record pirates, video pirates, love pirates. Maybe that's why Sam and I broke up. Maybe it was just sex. Maybe it was something we let our careers get away with. But no matter what, if we didn't have a hold on it, if it wasn't truly ours, then we had no right fucking with it. Yeah, we had a lot in common with Liam's pirates, Sam and I. The lust... the abandon... the tendency to just burn everything in sight. I don't think I'll ever fall in love again.
Lt. Aldo Raine:
You know, where I'm from...
Col. Hans Landa:
Yeah, where is that, exactly?
Lt. Aldo Raine:
Maynardville, Tennessee. [pause]
Lt. Aldo Raine:
Up 'ere, when you engage in what the federal government calls "illegal activity" but what we call "a man tryin' to make a livin' for his family sellin' moonshine liquor," it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true... it ain't.
Col. Hans Landa:
Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999 point 999 times out of a million, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. [pause]
Col. Hans Landa:
What shall the history books read?
[first lines]
Train Conductor:
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. This train, originating from New York's Grand Central Station, is back in service. Next stop will be New Canaan, Connecticut. New Canaan, Connecticut next stop.
Paul Hood:
[narration] In issue 141 of the Fantastic Four, published in November, 1973, Reed Richards had to use his anti-matter weapon on his own son, who Aannihilus has turn into the Human Atom Bomb. It was a typical predicament for the Fantastic Four, because they weren't like other superheroes. They were more like a family. And the more power they had, the more harm they could do to each other without even knowing it. That was the meaning of the Fantastic Four: that a family is like your own personal anti-matter. Your family is the void you emerge from, and the place you return to when you die. And that's the paradox - the closer you're drawn back in, the deeper into the void you go.
Maudeline Everglot:
[singing] It's a terrible day.
Finnis Everglot:
Now, don't be that way.
Maudeline Everglot:
It's a terrible day for a wedding.
Finnis Everglot:
It's a sad, sad state of affairs we're in.
Maudeline Everglot:
That has led to this ominous wedding.
Finnis Everglot:
How could our family have come to this?
Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot:
To marry off our daughter to the nouveau riches?
Maudeline Everglot:
They're so common.
Finnis Everglot:
So coarse.
Maudeline Everglot:
Oh it couldn't be worse!
Finnis Everglot:
Couldn't be worse? I'm afraid I disagree. They could be land-rich bankrupt aristocracy without a penny to their name. Just like you and me.
Maudeline Everglot:
[speaking] Oh dear!
Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot:
[singing] And that's why everything, every last little thing, every single tiny microscopic little thing must go...
Maudeline Everglot:
According to plan!
Finnis Everglot:
Our daughter will wed.
Maudeline Everglot:
According to plan!
Finnis Everglot:
And our family led...
Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot:
From the depths of deepest poverty...
Maudeline Everglot:
To the noble realm...
Finnis Everglot:
Of our ancestry.
Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot:
And who would've guessed in a million years, that our daughter with the face...
Finnis Everglot:
Of an otter in disgrace...
Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot:
Would provide our tickets to our rightful place?
RJ:
[showing the other animals around the houses] They *always* got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about!
RJ:
[as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'.
RJ:
[signifies telephone] *That* is a device to summon food.
RJ:
[signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food.
RJ:
[signifies front door] *That* is the portal for the passing of food.
RJ:
[signifies delivery truck] *That* is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food!
RJ:
[signifies microwave] *That* gets the food hot!
RJ:
[signifies refrigerator] *That* keeps the food cold!
RJ:
[signifies turtle pinata] *That*... I'm not sure what that is.
RJ:
[kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD!
RJ:
[signifies table where family prays before dinner] *That* is the altar where they WORSHIP food!
RJ:
[signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food!
RJ:
[signifies treadmill] *That* gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough?
RJ:
[everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us!
RJ:
[opens the thrash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!
Jenkins:
[Voiceover] The Supermarket in Ellington, Connecticut was always a constant in my life. Unchanged from my first memories of the place as a little kid, from the front end to the back room, aisle seven to seafood, it was timeless, like the town it was built in. Lying below the Johnny Appleseed Orchards, and just across the street from the Kelly family's cornfields, the place always felt like it was simply a natural part of Ellington. The Supermarket was an important link in the town: it was where all the families got their food, where all the local kids worked, where all the farmers would come to cool off. But most of all it was a community, for the customers, for the long time employees, and especially for all of us. This was where we worked, where we hung out. It was like a smaller version of our town. And I guess I should tell you about the town, 'cause Ellington is pretty important to this story as well. Ellington, Connecticut was a town everyone always said had more cows than people, and even if they wouldn't admit it, it was somethin' they were proud of. It was one of the last of its kind, an old fashioned family farm town. I've lived in Ellington my whole life, and it seemed as though the town and the Supermarket always stayed the same. They stood the test of time, almost immortal. Or at least, that's what I had thought. Bus as usually happens in these stories unfortunately, that was all about to change...
Vincent:
Wow.
RJ:
Vincent!
Vincent:
So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. [Chuckles]
Vincent:
Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, your gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.
RJ:
But I already had that.
Vincent:
What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
RJ:
Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this! [Takes the wagon with all the food]
Vincent:
RJ!
Dr. Evil:
Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!
Number Two:
Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil:
Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. [pause]
Dr. Evil:
Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
Number Two:
[pause] That also already has happened. [in original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."]
Dr. Evil:
Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Number Two:
Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!
Dr. Evil:
Really? That's a lot of money. [pause]
Dr. Evil:
Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
Dr. Evil:
One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
