Ron White: So as I'm picking up dog turds, I notice one that is massive even by Sluggo standards. I look at this turd, which looks like it says something. So I go in the house and get my glasses, 'cause I can't read shit without my glasses. And upon closer examination of this turd, it does say something. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo has eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all. I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks.
Paul: It is the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself that you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself. To face ourselves - that's the hard thing. The imagination - that's God's gift, to make the act of self-examination bearable.
Alyssa: I remember those guys used to come over to my house almost everyday after school. They'd bug my sisters, look through my dad's closet for porno tapes, raid the fridge. They really took advantage of my parents never being home. This one day, Rick pulled his dick out and started chasing me around the house with it! Right in front of Cohee, man! I couldn't believe it! Holden: Rick pulled his dick out? Really? What did you do? Alyssa: [yells] I blew him while Cohee fucked me! Holden: Excuse me? Alyssa: That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? That's what this little cross-examination of yours is all about? God! Well, next time, try not to make it so obvious, alright? There's subtler ways of badgering a witness! Am I right? Bystander: Jeez, man. Even I knew what you were getting at. Alyssa: If you wanted some background information on me, Holden, all you had to do was ask. I would have gladly volunteered it. You didn't have to go playing Hercule-fucking-Poirot! Bystander: [to his friend] I told you these were good seats!
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