Ben Gates: Of all the ideas that became the United States, there's a line here that's at the heart of all the others. "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and provide new Guards for their future security."
Ben Stein: What do think is the possibility that there then, intelligent design might turn out to be the answer to some issues in genetics... or in evolution? Richard Dawkins: Well... it could come about in the following way: it could be that uh, at some earlier time somewhere in the universe a civilization e-evolved... by probably by some kind of Darwinian means to a very very high level of technology and designed a form of life that they seeded onto... perhaps this... this planet. Um, now that is a possibility. And uh, an intriguing possibility. And I suppose it's possible that you might find evidence for that if you look at the um, at the detail... details of our chemistry molecular biology you might find a signature of some sort of designer. Ben Stein: [voice over] Wait a second. Richard Dawkins thought intelligent design might be a legitimate pursuit? Richard Dawkins: Um, and that designer could well be a higher intelligence from elsewhere in the universe. But that higher intelligence would itself would have to come about by some explicable or ultimately explicable process. It couldn't have just jumped into existence spontaneously. That's the point. Ben Stein: [voice over] So professor Dawkins was not against intelligent design, just certain types of designers. Such as God.
Eugene Cernan: [about the Apollo 1 fire] It's a cliché to say they didn't die in vain, Grissom, White and Chaffee, but they truly didn't. If it weren't for their sacrifice, and the mistakes we made early on in Apollo to get to the Moon as quickly as we could, we probably would have lost somebody on the way. But they stimulated the re-design of this spacecraft to allow us to get there safely and return home and get the job done; you know, and those three guys have never received the tribute that I think they deserve.
Simon Sheppard: [Translating Slavic text on a crossbow] "All fear he who walks beneath the crown of Eternal Night." Abraham Van Helsing: No, no, no, no, it's not crown, it's halo; beneath the Halo of Eternal Night Simon Sheppard: Oh, well, you see why the design never survived. And look how heavy it is compared to what they were using in England at the time. Abraham Van Helsing: [talking about the crossbow in his hands] Ah, while the English made them for firing arrow shafts of wood, this was made for firing metal... silver.
Ben Stein: I'm finally just beginning to grasp the complexity of the cell. Are there systems within the cell that go well beyond Darwinian evolution? Some type of cellular technology that drives adaptation, replication, quality control and repair? What if these new mechanisms have massive design implications? Well I say, so be it.
[the guys are meeting at a restaurant after their design was "stolen"] Andy: Guess what guys? I had a VISION! Tiny: [skeptically] That involved third-world school kids?
Mr. Newberry: Design Division wants me dead over a leaky sunroof and you want to kill me because of *that*? Martin Q. Blank: It's *not* me! Why does everyone always think it's personal?
Clear Rivers: Look, we drove a long way to get here, so if you happen to know how to stop Death, it would be really great if you told us. William Bludworth: You can't cheat Death. There are no escapes. Clear Rivers: Bullshit! You told me Death has a distinct design. But Alex and I cheated Death, not once but dozens of times. The design is flawed, it can be beaten. William Bludworth: Such fire in you now. People are always most alive just before they die. Don't you think? [rips of Evan's nipple piercing with a pair of pliers and begins to whistle as he cremates Evan's body]
Elliott: [to Towns, about the makeshift plane] The design is perfect, the only flaw is that we have to rely on you to fly it.
Gina: I'm finished speaking to both of you okay? You're both fucking insane. You want to know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. Hey Mitch. Thank you. [Looking at a porn magazine] Gina: Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that? Tommy: I could go along with that. Gina: Yeah, that's nice right? Well, it doesn't exist ok. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave ok? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits by design were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being too unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi bob, and our cellulite feel somehow inadequate. Well I don't buy it, all right? But you fucking mooks, if you think that if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're going to decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you going to find a cheerleader? Charge it Mitch. Tommy: I think you're over simplifying. Gina: Oh eat me. Look at Paul. With his models on the wall, his dog named Elle McPherson. He's insane. He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an once of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her. Tommy: Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her after about, what, twenty or thirty years? Gina: Get over yourself. Thank you Mitch. Say hello to Gertrude. Tommy: What? Gina: No mater how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there is some other shit going on in the relationship, besides the physical, it's going to get old, ok? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip. Otherwise, the future of the human race is in jeopardy. Willie Conway: What was that? Tommy: I don't know, but a great ass. Willie Conway: Nice tits. Come on let's go.
Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high. Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that? Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit! Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home. Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that. Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell] Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something. Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw. Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante? [Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars] Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you! Jay: What up, steel cage match! Dante Hicks: You ruined my life! Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me! Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show? Randal Graves: It was your going away present! Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison! Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration. Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey. Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict! Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss! Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick! Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?
Elliot Moore: [shots are heard firing in the distance] Oh no... Alma Moore: What "oh no"? Elliot Moore: The toxin? The toxin's affecting them? Woman in Group: Are those people killing themselves? Realtor: You were with the Private, what do we do? Alma Moore: We need to do something! Elliot Moore: Just let me think... Alma Moore: [as shots continually fire in the background] They're dying! Elliot Moore: I need a second... Realtor: They released it? We're not near the roads! Alma Moore: We can't just stand here as uninvolved observers! Elliot Moore: I need a second okay? Just give me a second! Alma Moore: We're not gonna be one of those assholes on the news who watches a crime happen and not do something! We're not assholes! Elliot Moore: Just a second! Woman in Group: There were children in that group! Alma Moore: Elliot please tell us what to do! Elliot Moore: I need a second okay? Why can't anybody give me a goddamn second? [talks to himself] Elliot Moore: All right, be scientific, douchebag. Identify the... rules... design the experiment... careful observation, measurements, that's what I'm trying to do, interpret the experimental pattern, interpret... What if it IS the plants? That group was larger than ours. This thing's been escalating all day. Smaller and smaller populations have been setting this off. They react to human stimulus. Maybe people are setting off the plants? Alma Moore: What are you saying? That guy was crazy! We have to save them! Elliot Moore: They're already dead! What if they're targeting us as threats? This part of the field may not have been set off. Something in this field could be releasing the chemical into the air when there's too many of us together. Let's just stay ahead of the wind!
Joe: Well, don't worry about it. I mean, what could happen? Of course, my design could have a few flaws. And after a few weeks, Will and I discover we hate each other. Abigail proves to be the flake of the century; she can't raise a dime. A giant sandstorm comes along, knocks this place over, we go broke, the IRS throws us in jail. The State Department wants to throw me out of the country. But I fool them: in jail, I catch pneumonia and die.
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