Randal Graves:
So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks:
What?
Randal Graves:
The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks:
Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer:
I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
Randal Graves:
So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks:
Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves:
Yeah, not yet. [takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer:
And I remember this one time- [Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer:
I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks:
Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer:
Yeah, well, he missed!
Dante Hicks:
Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
Tabloid Reading Customer:
I'll never come in here again. [to Randal]
Tabloid Reading Customer:
And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him as he leaves]
Dante Hicks:
What the fuck'd you do that for?
Randal Graves:
Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks:
Oh, Jesus!
Randal Graves:
And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
Dante Hicks:
What?
Randal Graves:
If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks:
[gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves:
I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks:
Please, get the hell outta here.
Randal Graves:
You know I'm your hero.
interrogator [female]:
Samantha Carter?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Yes.
interrogator [female]:
It's common knowledge that 4 years ago, a computer failure forced the space shuttle Intrepid's main engines to shut down before it could reach a safe orbit or secondary landing site. When the auto pilot also failed mission commander, Samantha Carter, stayed behind to fly it while her crew bailed out of the escape hatch. The orbiter went down over the Atlantic and her body was never recovered.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
It wasn't me.
interogator [female]:
You just said you name... [Sam cuts her off]
interogator [female]:
[Cam, Sam, and Daniel are being interogated, all talking at the same time]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
I was recruited into the Stargate program in my timeline not N.A.S.A...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Stargate Command is a branch of the United States Air Force, founded in nineteen-ninety I forget the exact year; for the purpose of exploration and just... it operates in secret from...
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
...actually, at was less an altered timeline and it was this kind of... but i know what your thinking. You're thinking I'm insane.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
And so we had the Stargate powered and it was capable of operating, but none of the random addresses.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
A list, you, you want the whole list of every plant I've ever been to? Okay; Earth you never forget your first. Right!
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
It was just a matter of finding which of the 39 symbols represented the point of origin.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
The symbols in a combination of seven...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Known as Casa, it's kind of like space corn; but you know that is a story you are going to hear some day
interogator [male]:
You think this is funny?
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
Everything I can think of I've told you. I mean seriously, who would make this shit up!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
Because it is; funny! And you need to learn that things can be both funny and serious at the same time!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
I've listened. whereas I've been trying to tell you that Earth is in serious danger and you don't seem to give a rat's ass!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[annoyed] OK, fine! O'Neil wants nothing to do with us, what about Landry! No you see - I know him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
[dryly] if you'd like to hear to answer to that question, why don't you go and play your tape back, I'm going to take a break. [smiles quickly, then frowns and drinks coffee]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter:
Oh my God, for the umpteenth time - I want to talk to someone else!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
I am agitated because this is not the way things are suposed to be!
Major General Hank Landry:
[walks in] Unfortunately colonel, it's the way it is!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
General, thank you for coming. you flew F-4's in Vietnam, you have a daughter named Caroline, you're wild about Fulvous whistling ducks...
Major General Hank Landry:
Stop right there son, I believe you.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell:
[dumbfounded] You do?
Col. Porter E. Alexander:
We've been firing for a good while now, sir. It's apparent now that the Federals nor we will gain a clear advantage in this business. If we continue to expel our ammunition at this rate, we might endanger our ability to support the advance.
Lt. Gen. James Longstreet:
Did you not have enough ordinance when this was begun?
Col. Porter E. Alexander:
Federal fire compelled us to move the artillery train farther to the rear, sir. It's taken us longer to refill the capsules. Sir, we must slow down our fire now, or we will have to cut back on the guns sent in to support the infantry.
Lt. Gen. James Longstreet:
Damn! I'm going to have to order general Picket to hault his attack until these guns can be replaced!
Col. Porter Alexander:
Sir, the trains have little ammunition, it would take an hour to replace it. In the meantime, the enemy would improve on the time. The longer we delay, the more time the Federals have to strengthen their own line. And even if we recovered more supplies from the ordinance train, how much more damage could we inflict on them than they on us? They're bringing in fresh batteries as quickly as they drive them off!
Lt. Gen. James Longstreet:
Just get some more ammunition and keep it hot! I cannot send in Picket's division or the others, until we clear some of those guns off that ridge!
Randal Graves:
All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover:
Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves:
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias:
You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves:
Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover:
You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right? [in robot voice]
Hobbit Lover:
Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias:
[chucking] Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Randal Graves:
Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
