Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: Look what descended from the sixth floor, Hey, Jimmy. James Barcomb: Jack. How are you holding up, son? Bobby Keough: I'm good, sir. James Barcomb: You should've seen this kid. He was outstanding. Ever thought about doing a tour with public affairs? We could use a good-looking son of a bitch like you. Jack Van Meter: He's a good young cop, Jimmy, and he's mine. Well, I tried. James Barcomb: The board voted- In policy, You're off the hook, kid. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: There you go. Jack Van Meter: Congratulations. Have a cigar. James Barcomb: The report will be ready in the morning. You guys can get back into the field. So, the vote... The vote was four to one. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: What? Who the fuck pissed backwards, Holland? James Barcomb: Affirmatron. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: I'd like to see his bald-headed black ass back in a radio car in South Central. James Barcomb: We don't need that shit. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: He actually said out of policy. Jack Van Meter: Holland began contacting outside agencies a month ago. He's doing civil service testing with the city of Cleveland. He's leaving to run their P.D. Didn't hear it from me. James Barcomb: Didn't hear it from you. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: Fuck Holland. Good riddance. We're gonna have to pin his stars on another brother or the community will go apeshit. James Barcomb: Jesus, Eldon, you sound just like your old man. Jack Van Meter: It's not such a bad thing, Everything I know-his old man. A toast to Bobby. Right between the eyes. Bobby Keough: Thank you, guys. I mean it. Thanks for giving me the chance to prove myself in SlS. Jack Van Meter: Eldon, Jimmy has something to tell you. James Barcomb: You made lieutenant. You're next on the transfer list. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: Fuck you, too, Jimmy. James Barcomb: No. We're not pulling your dick. Det. Sgt. Eldon Perry Jr.: It's about fucking Time!
Naomi Hyman: If you want me to like you, stay true to yourself. If you're Caucasian, don't try to act like an African-American. If you're Asian, don't try to act Caucasian. Just be whoever you are. I want to see the confidence you have in yourself. That's it. Then I'll like you. The Twinkee: But again, what is being "Asian?" I don't know how to be "Asian." If I was raised in a white community all my life and I have no sense how to be Asian, even if I look it, what do you think that makes me? For the generation of Asian people raised in this country, I think this a problem that all of us have.
David Cross has this credibility with the indie-rock community, and I want that same kind of credibility.
Helen Lyle: We've got a real shot here, Bernadette. An entire community starts attributing the daily horrors of their lives to a mythical figure.
Bryan Woodman: But what do you need a financial advisor for? Twenty years ago you had the highest Gross National Product in the world, now you're tied with Albania. Your second largest export is secondhand goods, closely followed by dates which you're losing five cents a pound on... You know what the business community thinks of you? They think that a hundred years ago you were living in tents out here in the desert chopping each other's heads off and that's where you'll be in another hundred years, so on behalf of my firm I accept your offer.
Dennis: I thought my mom would be cooler, she was a 60's love child. When she caught me smoking pot with my friends all she said was 'I hope you didn't pay market for that'. But when I told her I was gay she didn't speak to me for a month. Kevin: How is she now? Dennis: Better. She still refers to the homosexual community as 'The Gays', like they live on her block. [in a feminine voice] Dennis: 'Dennis, I heard The Gays had a parade... did you go'?
The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man. Malibu Police Chief: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear? The Dude: [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little [Lego] Hal: community needs a school. Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart. Hal: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia. Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food. Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
Fletcher: [exclaims] AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client LIED about her age, she was only seventeen when she got married which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent, including? [looks at Dana] Dana: Prenuptial agreements. Fletcher: Prenuptial agreements! This contract is VOID. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard community property applies and she is entitled to half the marital assests, or $11.395 million dollars. Jordan fades back, shwoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor. Dana: [breaks pencil] Judge Stevens: [talks to crows] Quiet. In light of this new evidence, the court must rule in favor of Mrs. Cole. She is hearby awarded half the marital assests. [pounds gavel]
Charlie: Harvard will never accept me with a criminal record, and I am NOT going to community college.
Ethan Thomas: So, the judge thinks we should offer your client a new plea agreement. Apparently she thinks the community would be better served without this trial. Erin Bruner: How do you feel about it, personally? Ethan Thomas: My job is to represent the interest of the people, make an effort to be objective. Erin Bruner: Hm. I ask because I know you're a Churchgoer. Now you're sent to prosecute a man of God. Ethan Thomas: Your priest broke the law and a young girl is dead. If he's a man of God then personally I think he's even more subject to the laws of moral behavior and punishment. If it were up to me he'd get no deal at all. Erin Bruner: What about forgiveness and compassion? Isn't that part of your Creed or does that just get in the way of your work? Ethan Thomas: If you have compassion for your client, counselor, you'll persuade him to accept this: Charges reduced to reckless endangerment, 12 months in a county jail, reducible to 6 plus probation if he can stay out of trouble. Somehow I expect he can manage that, but please understand me... if he refuses I will seek the maximum.
Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma? Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
[last lines] Gale: Okay I think it's going to go something like this, just stay with me. Hi, this is Gale Weathers with an exclusive eyewitness account of this amazing breaking story. Several more local teens are dead, bringing to an end the harrowing mystery of the masked killings that has terrified this peaceful community like the plot of some scary movie. It all began with the scream of a 911, and ended in a bloodbath that has rocked the town of Woodsboro. All played out here in this peaceful farmhouse, far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities that its residents have fled. Okay, let's take it back to one. Come on, move it! This is my big shot. Let's go.
[discussing Eli's bad date with Tom the previous night] Eli Wyckoff: He kept saying, "You do the math," even when it made no sense sense. What a turn-off. Brett Miles Sanford: What's the turn-on? According to your mother you haven't had a hard-on since she first took you to see THE NUTCRACKER at the Jewish Community Center in first grade. Eli Wyckoff: Stop talking to my mother about my sex life. Brett Miles Sanford: What sex life? Eli Wyckoff: I have one! Brett Miles Sanford: Uh huh, right. [makes jerking off motions] Eli Wyckoff: Ok, y'know, it counts. I spent 10 years learning which buttons to push, now I just have to look at myself and I cum. Brett Miles Sanford: Eww.
Abie 'The Bug' Pinkwise: Max's Maxims: First: Buy now, save later. Having money and not flashing it is strictly for Gentiles. No offense. Second: Never forget the people who got you there. Charity and generosity don't just make sense, they make dollars. Do right by your community and your community will do right by you. And finally if you do get caught, God forbid, Don't snitch... it's better to do time than end up in an alley with a knife in your back.
Rusty Zimmerman: [singing can be heard from Rusty's open window] Yeah, gitchi gitchi ya ya da da, gitchi gitchi ya ya here, mocha chocolata ya ya... Walt Koontz: [shouts out the window] Hey! Hei! Shut the fuckin' window or shut the fuck up! Rusty Zimmerman: [Really fast] You shut you'r fuckin' window! Walt Koontz: Fuckin' faggots! Rusty Zimmerman: The gay community thanks you for your support, fucker! Walt Koontz: Fuck you and the gay community! Rusty Zimmerman: Fuck you and your "Lets get married, have kids and beat up the fuckin' dog" community, Fucker! Rusty Zimmerman: [singing really loud out of the window] Go sister, go sister, go sister, hei sister go sister, go sister... Walt Koontz: Fuckin' demented fuckin' fruitcakes!
Bill Clinton: Earlier today I ordered America's arm forces to strike military insecurity targets in Iraq. Their mission is to attack Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons progress, and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors. The international community gave Saddam one last chance to resume cooperation with the Weapons Inspectors. Saddam has failed to seize the chance and so we had to act and act now.
Mac Carter: [seeing tyler teaching a bunch of people the dance he and Nora made up] Man, what is this? Tyler Gage: It's part of my community service
Marshal Biggs: Sam! Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: What? Marshal Biggs: We just got a call from Harris Community Hospital. The wounded guard swears he saw Kimble outside the emergency room. Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Well, that's hot. Marshal Biggs: And an ambulance is missing. Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Where's he going in an ambulance?
Billy: Do you agree with Jeff Voss' opinions? Buck: Oh definitely, I'm voting Jeff Voss for community council.
Tiffany: Why are we volunteering at this place? Danielle: Because it looks good for our community service project, and so that Drew will like me. When I get what I want, I'm happy. And when I'm happy, I'm not a bitch.
Hudson Hawk: But I want to do community service; I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel.
President Garcia-Thompson: So this is the sewer where you persons breed your anti-community crimes.
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's liscense? [shows paper] Samantha: That's right. Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember perhaps Mr. Faulk will. Samantha: Brunette. Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there... Samantha: I'm a brunette! Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra. Dana: Your honor, I object. Fletcher: You would! Dana: Bastard! Fletcher: Hag! Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight? Samantha: 118. [Fletcher gives her a look] Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127. Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it! Samantha: No. Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth. Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything? Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question. Samantha: 1965. Fletcher: Now let get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT? Samantha: I changed it so I could get married. Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent. [to Dana] Fletcher: Including...? Dana: [sighs] Prenuptual agreements. Fletcher: Prenuptual agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been riden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!
Detective Terrence Washington: If it ain't L.A.'s deadliest white boy. Tom Ludlow: Aren't you on the wrong side of the yellow tape? Detective Terrence Washington: Congrats on four more notches for your gun belt. I'll be praying for the families of your victims. Tom Ludlow: They're called suspects. The victims are the fourteen-year-old schoolgirls the suspects kept in a cage and sold to chickenhawks to poke, prod, and put on the Internet. Suspects, Washington. Suspects. Detective Terrence Washington: As evil as those men were, they had a right to trial. There's gonna be some blowback from the Korean community on this one. Tom Ludlow: Now that you're all militant, why don't you just say it? You think I'm a racist. Detective Terrence Washington: You have another explanation? Tom Ludlow: No I don't. Because if I roll and determine the suspects are black, yellow or brown, I'll blow 'em out of their socks. But if they're white, I'll give 'em a ride home. You know why? 'Cause I'm a racist. Fuck you. Detective Terrence Washington: Man, I would give my right arm to have that shit on tape. Tom Ludlow: What happened to you, Terrence? We used to be brothers.
George 'Shaker' McNeil: Touchstone is a community of hermits who like people.
T.S. Quint: That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle. Brodie: Yeah, but only if they were really old.
Truman's Father: [Truman has disappeared and the whole community is looking for him. His dad calls out] Truman! It's Dad. [Awkward pause] Truman's Father: ...Let's talk.
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