Don: [in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine? Don: Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh we are! Don: Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: That's nice. How much? Don: Price is not important Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No price is very important, actually. Don: Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Uh huh. Don: And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: How much does it cost, exactly? Don: [Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh! Don: I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: $1,300? Don: Final offer. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm. [unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar] Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm. Don: [Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh yeah!
[after Peanut's joke about Jeff driving a Prius] Peanut: You know what would be funny as hell? Jeff Dunham: What? Peanut: When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show was sponsored by Toyota. [laughter] Peanut: And they have no idea. One night, they're watching this like [with a mock Japanese accent] Peanut: "Hey! He making fun of our car! He say our car is gay! It not gay, he gay! Let's get Godzilla to kill him!" [laughter]
Callie Webb: [during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA! [laughs maniacally]
Pete Jubois: Somebody said it's raining outside. Lauren: Oh no. Adam Taylor: What? Every good romantic comedy needs a rain scene. Lauren: But this isn't a movie. Adam Taylor: Life's kinda like a movie sometimes.
Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Narrator: [from the Trailer] A comedy about a family who can escape anything - except their job.
Professor Utonium: Crying is easy, girls. Comedy is hard.
[opening scene: Walter, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Jeff's wife Paige, and José Jalapeño on a Stick are all in bed] Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons! Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow. Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak! Paige Dunham: Would you idiots give it a rest? José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick? Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah!
Father Phillip McNulty: I've been giving that sermon for years and I never realised that its the work of some comedy mastermind. The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fucking monkeys.
Lee Simon: Just in time. Another minute, I'd have been found dead of comedy poisoning...
Ira Wright: I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me. Deli Manager: Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny. Chuck: Nah, he's right man. No way, man. That shit was painful. I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. I had fucking nightmares after that. Ira Wright: That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since then. Chuck: Then you bored my wife to sleep. I couldn't get no pussy that night, man. Ira Wright: Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
George Simmons: [at the end of song to comedy club audience] George Simmons soon will be gone, and he's not going to miss any of you people at all. We've always had a strained relationship. You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you.
[Playing "Chicken" riding a bike] Danny Madigan: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work! [Danny thinks again] Danny Madigan: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
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