Russell Brand  - Quotes

 The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness. You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump. It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then. I'd been so far away but I knew I was home.(Pg. 89) 

Tags: comedians   performance     


John Oliver  - Quotes

 Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. 

Tags: comedian   hilarious     
Doug Stanhope  - Quotes

 Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. 

Tags: comedian   doug   stanhope     


Bill Bailey  - Quotes

 A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he? 

Tags: 1998   comedian   humour     
Jeff Dunham  - Quotes

 Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?

Peanut: Yes we had a great day!

Jose: No we did not.

Peanut: Yes

Jose: No

Peanut: Yes

Jose: No

Peanut: Yes

Jose: No we did not have a good day.

Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!

What?

Jeff: Did you have a good day?

Peanut: Yes

Jose: No

Peanut: Shut up

Jeff: A good day?

Peanut: Yes

Jose: No

Peanut: Shut up

Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.

Peanut: I took him to the spa!

Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.

Peanut: It's the same thing!!!

 

Tags: comedian   humor   peanut     
John Mendoza  - Quotes

 Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 

Tags: comedian   literacy     


Quotes of the Day