Don:
[in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine?
Don:
Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh we are!
Don:
Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
That's nice. How much?
Don:
Price is not important
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No price is very important, actually.
Don:
Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Uh huh.
Don:
And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
How much does it cost, exactly?
Don:
[Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oh!
Don:
I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
$1,300?
Don:
Final offer.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm. [unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm.
Don:
[Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh yeah!
Host:
Now, you may have some questions concerning the validity and integrity of the organization. Well, no less than the Internal Revenue Service of the United States government conducted a review of Scientology. The most thorough investigation of any church in its history. Over a period of many years, they examined millions of pages of church documents, and financial records. They studied every aspect of the religion, and its corporate and ecclesiastical structure. And their findings? The IRS determined that Scientology *is* a bona fide religion. That the churches of Scientology, and their related social betterment organizations, operate *exclusively* for religious, charitable, and educational purposes. That they benefit the *public*, rather than the interests of private individuals. And that no part of their income goes to the benefit of any individual or noncharitable entity. It is likely that Scientology was scrutinized more deeply than any other church in history. And it passed that review with flying colors, gaining full religious and charitable recognition. In doing so, the IRS granted the church, and all its affiliated organizations, full tax exemption. In fact, you'll be happy to know, even your donations are tax deductible. Just like every religion. Now that you know the factual and legal standing of the church, you may well ask the question, "What are the advantages of Dianetics and Scientology for me?" So, let's ask some people.
