Announcer:
Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program...”Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry! [music cues build dramatically]
Announcer:
Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play...”Twenty-One!" [lively theme music plays]
Announcer:
And here's your host... Jack Barry! [the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium]
Jack Barry:
[looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks. [as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced]
Stempel's opponent:
You nervous?
Herbie Stemple:
[chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money.
Jack Barry:
Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please? [a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand]
Jack Barry:
Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One." [a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]
Katherine:
Oh my god, I have to tell you about this reall artsy party this French-Canadian girl in my acting class threw. Like everyone there they wrote like poems or novellas or something. So this one college guy, he was asian, he gets up with his little leather portfolio with a satin ribbon to tie it shut and he's gonna read his poetry. But before he starts reading, he tells us about his fascinations with the human body and he says what fascinates him even more is what comes out of the human body. [sighs to her french fries]
Katherine:
I know I'm really lactose intolerant but I really wish these had cheese on them. Anyway, evidentally he's tasted everything that's come out of his body except shit and he says he'll probably taste that one day too. And then he reads a poem about "shit" so I'm thinking, "Okay, this guy really likes shit," right? And then he keeps reading and he reads 17 poems all about shit. 17! I'm not kidding. And he's talking about the smells and the colors and the farting... Gabe, can you pass me the ketchup? Thanks. Anyway, I was so relieved when he got tired of reading. Then this ethnic woman stands up, she was like Native American or Pilipino, I can never really tell the difference, she didn't have a poem to read so she tells us about a problem that she's having. A sex problem. She says that there's like some force that's making her screw around all the time. All these guys are after her and I mean, she's not what I would call sexy. Well, not that I'm into women that way, but I can tell when a woman's sexy. I mean, she's not what I would call a skank or anything, she's just not what I would call sexy, that's all. So, anyway, this is really funny [chuckles]
Katherine:
, I drank soo much homemade ice tea that I really had to pee right in the middle of her story, right? So I get up, I go to the bathroom, but the bathroom door's locked. So I'm kind of standing there looking at the wallpaper, which is really kind of giving me a headache. Then all of a sudden the toilet flushes, the door opens and the "shit guy" walks out and he's smiling. And not one of those like polite acknowledgement smiles, but he's like SMILING like he's happy about something and all of a sudden I didn't have to pee anymore.
Ari:
When I was in like, 5th grade, the miniseries "Roots" was this big thing. So, our teacher had us make family trees. I consulted my mom, and my grandmother, but we couldn't trace it back any further than New York, which was embarrassing. So, I lied and said that we were descended from Russian Tsars. Which is possible if any of them married poorly. Now Liam on the other hand, if there's a good Monty Python rerun on, or if he's had enough Guinness, will confess to a lineage of pirates. Dashing, hearty, seafaring men, known for their rich appetites and poor showings on college placement exams. Supposedly, he claims, they started out with the best of intentions. Rebellion against a tyrannical crown. But then conditions changed, and they lost track. They became desperados. Seduced, driven mad by a combination of lust and endless, chickless months at sea. They raped, they pillaged, they took things that were not theirs. See, that's the literal definition of piracy today. Record pirates, video pirates, love pirates. Maybe that's why Sam and I broke up. Maybe it was just sex. Maybe it was something we let our careers get away with. But no matter what, if we didn't have a hold on it, if it wasn't truly ours, then we had no right fucking with it. Yeah, we had a lot in common with Liam's pirates, Sam and I. The lust... the abandon... the tendency to just burn everything in sight. I don't think I'll ever fall in love again.
Jake}:
Police Department! Let's see your hands!
Alonzo}:
Put your hands up! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Driver, right side passenger, hands on the windshield!
Jake}:
[to female] Rear seat passenger, palms on the glass. Look that way!
Alonzo}:
Put it in park!
College Driver}:
Stick shift.
Alonzo}:
Take your keys out and throw 'em in the window. Take your keys out and throw 'em in the window.
Male College Passenger}:
I'm sorry.
Alonzo}:
[to front passenger] Shut up! Too late for that. [to driver]
Alonzo}:
Fork it over!
College Driver}:
What are you talking about?
Alonzo}:
You know what I'm talking about. The marijuana. Give it to me! Give it to me! [to front passenger]
Alonzo}:
Gimme that pipe underneath your seat.
Male College Passenger}:
My mom gave it to me.
Alonzo}:
I don't care who gave it to you. She can pick it up in jail. What else you got? C'mon, c'mon, gimme, gimme, gimme. [female removes hands from glass]
Alonzo}:
[to Jake] Hey, control your suspect!
Jake}:
Miss, palms on the glass!
Alonzo}:
[to female] You move those hands again, I'll slap the taste out of your mouth. Put your hands over there. Right there. [to driver]
Alonzo}:
Now what are you doing out here? You know this is a gang neighborhood?
College Driver}:
Yeah.
Alonzo}:
Then don't come down here again. I catch you down here again, I'ma take your vehicle. I'ma make you walk home. I'ma let the homeboys up the hill run a train on your girlfriend. You know what a train is, don't you?
College Driver}:
Yeah.
Alonzo}:
All right, thanks for your cooperation. [to Jake]
Alonzo}:
Let's go. Safe your iron, son.
Male College Passenger}:
Shit!
Gym Teacher:
Evan, get into the game.
Evan:
Kick it over... to me.
Gym Teacher:
Seth, get off the field!
Evan:
Dude, get out of here. There gonna make me run laps again.
Seth:
Dude, just fuckin' listen ok. Jules and her stupid fuckin' friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick in and around her mouth.
Evan:
Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Seth:
No, she's got an older brother and she could've asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said 'Seth, Momma's making a pubi salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing.' She's D.T.F. - down to fuck man. P and Vagi, she wants to [kicks soccer ball]
Seth:
fuck man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan:
You just sound like an idiot, you're not gonna be able to sleep with her man.
Seth:
No... dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit OK. But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks hand job, month blow job, whatever whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Evan:
K can you just get out of hear and we'll talk about this later?
Greg the Soccer Player:
What the fuck Evan we're down two points!
Evan:
Fuckin' calm down Greg, it's soccer, it's soccer.
Greg the Soccer Player:
Fuck you man.
Seth:
Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants again?
Greg the Soccer Player:
That was like eight years ago asshole.
Seth:
People don't forget. [turning back to Evan]
Seth:
You wanna hear the best part? Becka! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as highschool people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becka in coming up with this plan.
Evan:
I should buy Becka alcohol?
Evan:
Yeah, man that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like 'ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn't have fucked that guy,' we could be that mistake!
Evan:
Have you talked to Fogell?
Seth:
Alright, you talk to Becka. I'll talk to that retard Fogell. Don't worry.
Gym Teacher:
[Blows whistle] Seth, get off the field!
Seth:
[Kicks soccer ball into the stands] Goal!
Gym Teacher:
You're getting that!
Seth:
No I'm not.
Chris Berman:
From Champs to chumps. Just six months ago, The Texas State Fighting Armadillos were billed as the greatest college football team in history, and now, they are history. Yesterday, the commision slapped Texas State with a staggering list of infractions including recruiting violations, steroid abuse, illegal payments to players and , of course, grade tampering. To where these guys are going, their yearbook photos will be used as mugshots. Joining us tonight is our guest commentator, the legendary Ed "Straight Arrow" Gennero, the man who once threw five All-Americans off his football team for taking money from boosters, but still won the Cotton Bowl. Thanks for joining us tonight, coach.
Coach Gennero:
Good to be here, Chris.
Chris Berman:
Coach, what's the latest on the Armadillos?
Coach Gennero:
Well, Chris, the penalty handed down to Texas State will set an example for the future of College Football.
Chris Berman:
What happened to the players?
Coach Gennero:
All the players from the old team have been expelled and all the coaches have been fired.
Chris Berman:
Where will they get their new players?
Coach Gennero:
Their new players must be real students. No more scholarships, no more monkey business, no more special favors or else no more football.
Barry Worth:
Listen, I made a mistake, all right? I could have played college ball, and I could have gone pro. Listen to me when I'm talkin' to you. But I messed up. I dropped out of school, and I didn't get an education and that was it.
Quincy Worth, Barry's Son:
So because you messed up, I can't get the shoes?
Barry Worth:
No. No. Because I messed up, you can't mess up. Thinkin' you need things you don't. You're listenin' to the wrong people, son. Well, when you're older, you'll understand.
Quincy Worth, Barry's Son:
When I'm older, I'll end up just like you.
Marshal Biggs:
This is hinky, this guy's a college graduate, he went to medical school, he's not gonna come through all the security, go to the county lockup, to find someone his one people say does not exist. Hinky.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard:
Well, what does that mean Biggs, 'hinky'?
Marshal Biggs:
I don't know. Strange.
Marshal Henry:
Weird.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard:
Well, why don't you say strange or weird? I mean hinky, that has no meaning.
Marshal Biggs:
Well, we say hinky.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard:
I don't want you guys using words around me that have no meaning. I'm taking the stairs and walking.
Marshal Biggs:
[sotto voice] How about 'bullshit?' How about 'bullshit', Sam?
[first lines]
Title Card:
"I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the WTC." - National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice
Title Card:
"There were lots of warnings." - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
Title Card:
"No warnings." - Press Secretary Ari Fleischer
Title Card:
"Your government failed you, and I failed you." - White House Advisor Richard Clarke
Narrator:
March 13, 1962. Lionel Lemnitzer, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, presents a proposal to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara named Operation Northwoods. The Document proposes staging terror attacks in and around Guantanamo Bay to provide a pretext for military intervention in Cuba. The plans included: starting rumors... staging a terror campaign in Miami, Florida and Washington, DC, and finally, destroying a drone aircraft over Cuban waters. The passengers, federal agents in reality, would allegedly be college students on vacation. A plane at Eglin AFB would be painted and numbered as an exact duplicate for a registered civil aircraft belonging to a CIA front in Miami. The duplicate would be substituted for the real plane and loaded with the passengers. The real plane would be converted into a drone. The two planes would rendezvous south of Florida. The passenger laden plane would land at Eglin Airforce Base to evacuate its passengers and return to its original status. The drone would pick up the scheduled flight plan and, over Cuban waters, transmit a mayday-signal before being blown up by remote control. - The plan is rejected by McNamara and President John F. Kennedy removes Lemnitzer as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff month later.
Narrator:
December 1, 1984. A remote controlled Boeing 720 takes off in Edwards AFB and is crashlanded by NASA for reseach. Before its destruction the plane flew unmanned for a total of 16h 22 min including ten takeoffs, 69 approaches, and 13 landings.
Elwood Blues:
[while the Russian's are at the burial sight of a loved one, Elwood is trying to get Mr. Fabulous, who has now become a funeral director, to rejoin the band] [loudly]
Elwood Blues:
Hey, Mr. Fabulous, what time you want us to come back and grab the rings and watch off the corpse?
Mighty Mack:
[Russians at the funeral begin to talk amongst themselves in Russian] [more loudly]
Mighty Mack:
And what about the deal with the medical college for his dick!
Mr. Fabulous:
[the Russians begin to yell, get out their weapons, and shoot at them] ... We're dead now. [Elwood, Mack, Buster, and Mr. Fabulous run to the Bluesmobile and drive away]
[Montage of teachers talking to David's classes]
College Counselor:
For those of you going on to college next year, the chance of finding a good job will actually decrease by the time you graduate. The available number of entry-level jobs will drop 31 percent over the next four years. Median income for those jobs will go down as well. Obviously, my friends, it's a competitive world, and good grades are your only ticket through. In fact, by the year 2000...
Health Teacher:
The chance of contracting HIV from a non-monogamous lifestyle will climb to 1 in 150. The odds of dying in an auto accident are only 1 in twenty-five hundred. Now, this marks a drastic increase...
Science Teacher:
...from fourteen years ago, when ozone depletion was just at 10 percent of its current level. By the time you are thirty years old, average global temperature will have risen two and a half degrees, causing such catastrophic consequences as typhoons, floods, widespread drought, and famine. [Cut to David absorbing all this grim information and looking really depressed]
Science Teacher:
[With a bright smile:] Okay! Who can tell me what "famine" is?
Sam Witwicky:
Bee, I want to talk to you about the college thing, okay?
Bumblebee:
[does a dance] "I'm so excited, / And I just can't hide it..."
Sam Witwicky:
Hey! I'm not taking you with me! [Bumblebee is downcast]
Mikaela Banes:
I'm gonna wait outside... [goes outside and starts to strip]
Sam Witwicky:
Bumblebee, just hear me out okay? You know, freshmen aren't allowed to have cars, that's all it is. It is best for both of us. I know it doesn't sound like it but... you're an Autobot, you shouldn't be living in my dad's garage. I mean you're suffocating in here. Hey will you look at me please? Hey, come on big guy... [gives Bumblebee a hug]
Sam Witwicky:
Look, the guardian thing is done, okay? You did your job. It's over with. You've gotta be something else, you've got have a bigger purpose then just me, Bee! I can't be the end all deal in your life! I wanna be normal, I want to go to college. Everybody has this, and I should be able to experience this. And I can't do that with you. [Bumblebee bursts into tears; literally, with his windscreen cleaners malfunctioning]
Sam Witwicky:
Come on... it's not the last time I'm gonna see you, you know? Come on, don't do that... Bee, you're killing me... [Bee angrily gesticulates to Sam to go away]
Sam Witwicky:
You'll always be my first car man. I love you. [leaves the garage]
