Paula Burns:
Onto new business. Mr. Radcliff is checking out of seven oh nine. Mr. Greenwald is checking in. He's back on the wagon, so let's clear out the minibar. Kanga CFO, Mr. Fukimoro is checking into eight fourteen. Stock Evian, shampoo the rugs and extra slippers for his guests. Marisa heads up on the Madison Suite.
Marisa:
Housekeeping.
Paula Burns:
Mrs. Sage is arriving with the children, preferably after Mr. Sage's girlfriend departs.
Mr. Sage's Girlfriend:
You son of a bitch!
Paula Burns:
Let's make sure it's a smooth transition. The Guedj sisters are back. Let's track them on surveillance, but do keep an eye on all bathrobes, cutlery and light fixtures. Sotheby's director, Caroline Lane has switched from the Four Seasons. She requested a park view and favors purple orchids and lavender scenes. Assemblyman Chris Marshall arrives today. He's gearing up his campaign, so his suite will be doubling as a conference centre, with the liquor and coffee bars turning over every four hours. And he's bringing his large dog, so we'll need proper accouterments. And finally, Mr. Newman is back in the Sherman Suite. Careful, ladies, he's a Full Monty.
Full Monty:
Oh... I had no idea anyone was here.
Stephanie Kehoe, Maid:
Don't worry about it, Mr. Monty. It's no big deal. And I do mean...
Marisa, Stephanie Kehoe, Maid:
...No big deal.
Gall:
There were no early crops. Now there will be no late crops. Does it seem to you that our coffee rations are smaller?
Sitting Bull:
Why do you tell lies about my part in the fight at the Little Bighorn?
Gall:
It was Agent McLaughlin. You angered him. He made me say these things against you.
Sitting Bull:
How can this be? All our lives, we were like brothers, sharing meat when we had it. When we had no meat, and when food was but a day's ride to an agency, we could not be made to take from the whites!
Gall:
I will go and speak straight and set things right.
Sitting Bull:
These words cannot be put back. I have said all I have to say.
Gall:
My brother, listen to me. Many would have taken from the whites for all those years, but they did not because you did not. I did not because you did not. Before you came, I was Big Man here. But now you've come and you do nothing. You sit and tell stories while I work my fields. You go with Cody, you write your name on a piece of paper and you take money - money that I must sweat for. I do not understand why you feel so honored by these things. I do not understand why you've come, because to me you are Sitting Bull, our leader who would never surrender. That is all I have to say.
Ray Pinker:
Bud White - what brings *you* to the basement?
Bud White:
I got a couple Nite Owl questions.
Ray Pinker:
I don't know if you'd read the papers, but that case is closed.
Bud White:
Is there anything bothering you about it, Ray?
Ray Pinker:
Yeah, the fact that the pack-up boys haven't carted this shit out of here yet. [Bud sees all the boxes of case files, and starts to look through the crime scene photos]
Ray Pinker:
I got three shotguns, taken from the suspects, that match the strike marks on the shells from the Nite Owl. What more do you want?
Bud White:
[suddenly spotting a detail in a photo] There's blood on the wall here. I thought everybody but the cook got shot in the men's room?
Ray Pinker:
That is Stensland's blood.
Bud White:
Stensland?
Ray Pinker:
He took a blow to the head. Was probably unconscious when they dragged him in the john.
Bud White:
Did they hit anybody else?
Ray Pinker:
No. But he was a cop, he probably tried to "do something."
Bud White:
[remembering that Stensland said he had a date that night, he studies a photo showing a table with two settings, including a coffee mug smudged with lipstick] Grilled cheese, black coffee... two of the victims were women, right?
Ray Pinker:
Yeah - Patti DeLuca, the night-shift waitress, and a Susan Lefferts.
Bud White:
Susan Lefferts...
Ray Pinker:
Yeah, what about her? [Bud runs out of the room]
Ray Pinker:
You're welcome!
Verena Von Stefan:
Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety:
I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena Von Stefan:
Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety:
Verena!
Momo:
Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for vagina.
Tinka Parker:
Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan:
No! Real life is boy *on top* of girl!
Momo:
Would you two stop it.
Verena Von Stefan:
You should know that.
Odette:
Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka Parker:
Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena Von Stefan:
Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo:
There ya go.
Odette:
They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena Von Stefan:
I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka Parker:
Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena Von Stefan:
You'd be scared too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo:
Order! Order!
Tinka Parker:
Prude!
Verena Von Stefan:
Tramp!
Tweety:
Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
John Givings:
You a lawyer, Frank?
Frank Wheeler:
No, I'm not.
John Givings:
I could use a lawyer...
Mr. Howard Givings:
John, let's not get started again about the lawyer.
John Givings:
Pop, couldn't you just sit there and eat your wonderful egg salad, and quit horning in? [Returns his attention to Frank]
John Givings:
See, I've got a good many questions to ask and I'm willing to pay for the answers... Now, I don't need to be told that a man who goes after his mother with a coffee table is putting himself in a weak position, legally; that's obvious.
Mrs. Helen Givings:
John, come and have a look out this fabulous picture window. [She walks to the window]
John Givings:
If he hits her with it and kills her, that's a criminal case...
Mrs. Helen Givings:
Oh, look, the sun's coming out!
John Givings:
If all he does is break the coffee table and give her a certain amount of aggravation and she decides to go to court over it, that's a civil case...
Mrs. Helen Givings:
Maybe we'll see a rainbow! John, come have a look...
John Givings:
Ma, how about doing everybody a favor? How about shutting up?
Bill:
[Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" [Bill laughs]
Bill:
I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White:
Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill:
Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff:
That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill:
Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show. [Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill:
That's where they compare things... [Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill:
So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?" [Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill:
I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff:
I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" [audience cracks up]
Jeff:
I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy:
[very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders." [Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff:
I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy:
No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!" [audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy:
My grandma, is uh, covered in moles. [cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy:
No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill:
I don't think he's kidding! [Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy:
No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff:
Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy:
They had 'em there.
Jeff:
I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy:
[laughing] Get well soon! [Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy:
Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign! [audience cheers and claps]
Ron White:
Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" [Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White:
Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff:
[after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill:
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy:
Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff:
[pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White:
He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff:
He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy:
I don't know about all that, but... [Bill cracks up laughing]
[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]
Paula:
Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?
Techie Guy:
A shocking number, actually.
Paula:
Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...
Techie Guy:
[imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.
Paula:
But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!
Techie Guy:
He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.
Paula:
That's you! You're Luke!
Dallas:
Just get the fucking coffee and let's go.
Billy Hill:
This ain't exactly Brazil. I coulda pissed you a fuckin' cup by now.
Nick:
[to Cashier] HEY? You're out of Chocolate Mac!
Cashier:
Sorry. No Chocolate Macadamia. You will please have something else?
Nick:
[filling cup] Fuckin' Hazelnut...
Cashier:
[ringing up cash register] That will be one dollar and eight cents.
Nick:
The sign says "All coffee: 69 cents."
Cashier:
I am very sorry, but that is a 44-ounce cup and the largest coffee cup is 20 ounces. Therefore, I must charge you 99 cents, plus tax, the price of a large fountain drink.
Nick:
That's bullshit! That sign says "Coffee: all sizes", not "all sizes up to 20 ounces."
Cashier:
I'm humbly sorry, but you must pay 99 cents, plus tax, for that cup.
Dallas:
Just pay the bitch the dollar-eight and let's get the FUCK outta here!
Nick:
Fine, but it's bullshit. Just get me my fuckin' snackie cake.
Cashier:
I'm sorry. I cannot do that. That is *only* available with the 20-ounce coffee. That is not a 20-ounce coffee.
Billy Hill:
This bitch is gettin' on my nerves, man. Forget it!
Dallas:
Just give him the fuckin' danish.
Nick:
That sign says, "Free snackie cake." I paid a dollar and eight cents for my coffee. I want my free snackie cake!
Cashier:
I *cannot* do that.
Dallas:
[puts snackie cake on the counter] Here. Hmmm? Take it!
Nick:
That's apple cinnamon! I wanted cream cheese.
Billy Hill:
For fuck's sake, pay her the money and let's go.
Nick:
[scoffs] Fine! Either of you got something smaller than a Ben?
Cashier:
[Billy opens his case and hands Nick a $50] I'm sorry. I cannot accept any moneys over a $20 bill.
Billy Hill:
[frustrated] That's it...
Cashier:
I should not sell it to you anyway, as that cup is very hot and might burn you. You are very strange. I'm going to call the police.
Dallas:
Fuck this. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!... BLAM!
