[the geography teacher uses a pointer to demonstrate, on the classroom blackboard, the world of Pleasantville, which consists of Elm Street, Main Street, and the Town Hall] Miss Peters: Last week, class, we discussed the geography of Main Street. This week we're going to be talking about Elm Street. Now, can anyone tell me the difference between Elm Street and Main Street? Tommy. Tommy: It's not as long? Miss Peters: That's right, Tommy, it's not as long. Also, it only has houses, so the geography of Main Street is different than the geography of Elm Street. [Jennifer is frowning in bewilderment. She raises her hand] Miss Peters: Mary Sue! Jennifer: Yeah. What's outside of Pleasantville? [the entire class turns to look at her] Miss Peters: I don't understand. Jennifer: Outside of Pleasantville? Like, what's at the end of Main Street? Miss Peters: [chuckles and shakes her head] Mary Sue. You should know the answer to that! The end of Main Street is just the beginning again. [the teacher points at the intersection of Elm and Main. The class feels released to giggle at Jennifer/Mary Sue's clearly stupid question, and Jennifer frowns again]
Billy Madison: [Veronica has taken Billy out of the classroom after making fun of the kid trying to read My sister Fanny] OW! Your tearing my ear off. [Sits down on chair] Veronica Vaughn: [scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a little kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul? Billy Madison: I'm sorry I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear. Veronica Vaughn: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm going to fail you. End of story. [Goes back into classroom] Billy Madison: I see your lips moving but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf. Oh Veronica Vaughn so hot want to touch the heiney. [Howls like a wolf] Billy Madison: Arrroooooooo!
Sister Rose: And Daisy, will you tell us what man represents in his purest form? [pause] Sister Rose: Yes? Chorus of schoolgirls: [whole classroom raises hand] Phallic symbol! Phallic symbol! Edward Malus: [laughs awkwardly]
[Goofy has walked into Max's classroom in full 70s attire, and Max is shocked and horrified] Max: [muttering] Oh no, oh no, oh... Bobby: Hey Max, is my vision blurred, or doesn't that guy look like your dad? Goofy: Maxie! Max: [grabbing and ringing at Bobby's shoulders] Kill me, just kill me now!
Michael Moore: As the attack took place, Mr. Bush was on his way to an elementary school in Florida. When informed of the first plane hitting the world trade center, where terrorists had struck just eight years prior, Mr. Bush decided to go ahead with his photo opportunity. [Bush enters the classroom] Michael Moore: When the second plane hit the tower, his chief of staff entered the classroom and told Mr. Bush the nation is under attack. [Bush picks up a children's book] Michael Moore: Not knowing what to do, with no one telling him what to do, and with no secret service rushing in to take him to safety, Mr. Bush just sat there, and continued to read "My Pet Goat" with the children. [the time is measured on a clock in the corner of the screen] Michael Moore: Nearly seven minutes passed with nobody doing anything.
Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks. Evan: What? Seth: Draw pictures of dicks. Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick? Seth: Yes. Like a man dick. [while you see Seth when he was a kid] Seth: I'd just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis. Evan: That's fucked. Seth: No shit. It's really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life. [you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one] Evan: Alright, I mean... I just don't see what this has to do with Becca. Seth: Just listen. Okay? [you see the kid Seth in a classroom] Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden... Kid: Pussy! [walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca] Evan: You hit Becca's foot with your dick? Seth: Yeah. I know. [kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it's a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher] Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out. [you see more of his dick drawings one by one] Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I'm possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he's asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles... You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds. Evan: Well, I don't... That's really messed up. Supergay.
Nancy: So hot-stuff how did it go? Sarah: How did what go? Nancy: Your date with Chris. Rochelle: Chris already told everybody. Sarah: [confused] Told everybody what? Bonnie: That you guys "did it". Sarah: But we didn't... do it. Nancy: Well then he was just trying to save-face because he's going around the whole school saying that you were the "lousiest lay he's EVER had" and coming from him that's pretty bad. Sarah: [looking over to the other girls in the classroom who were giggling] UH UH. [hoping it wasn't true] Rochelle: He said the same stuff about Nancy. Nancy: Told you he was a jerk.
Stan Ross: Our mission is to bring the story of the Tuskegee Airmen into every classroom in America.
Divinci: We're the teachers, and in our classroom two and two can add up to five if we say it does.
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